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Old 09-21-2003, 08:34 PM   #1
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castlebravo HB User
Question Had a bad sexual experience, what Now?

Last year I met this really beautiful girl. We became friends and eventually got together. Everything went really well, we kissed and cuddled, hung out together. After about 3 months we had sex for the first time. I had not done it in a long while, I managed to last for a couple minutes before ejaculating. After that she pushed me off and jacked herself off to orgasm. I was a little put off. She told me she really needed to orgasm , I felt inadequate for her and quite insecure. I tried to talk about it to her. We had sex a few times after that, I guess it wasn't enough for her. Basically to sum it up of what she said to me. She told me in detail about the other guys she's had sex with and how they made her orgasm, so why couldn't I? She asked me if any girl has orgasmed while having sex with me, and I said wasn't sure, so she almost yells, "What do mean you don't know, where have you been?" She straight out yelled at me for not putting out or performing like a real man. I was constantly being compared to other men. She also remarked about how "most guys squirt a lot more semen than I do." She really put me down, I felt rejected, inadequate, humiliated, like I wasn't good enough or whatever. She still tried to get sxual with me, but now I was totally turned off. I tried to talk about it with her but she blamed me for being insecure. I'd had enough of her so I told her off and that was the end of that.
Well that was over a year and a half ago and I haven't been with anybody since. I tried not to let it get to me, but I feel like my whole sex ego was shot to hell. I get depressed about it frequently. I don't even pursue women hardly, even a date seems remote. I have had other relationships that lasted for years with healthy good sex, so I know I can. I guess I'm not sure how to move on or forget about it.


[This message has been edited by bfl (edited 09-26-2003).]

 
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Old 09-22-2003, 12:46 AM   #2
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edgework HB User
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I'm sure you've heard this old joke:

Why do women fake orgasm?
Because they think we care.

First, let me point out the obvious: you have allowed what must surely rank as an example of women at their worst to govern and define your opinion of yourself. Trust me, if you'd blown her eyes out and sent her around the moon and made the angels sing, she'd still have had issues. Most guys enjoy pleasing women, not just sexually, but will really stretch themselves to make her happy. Sad truth is, some women are simply unpleasable. You found one. First clue: she's unhappy, and you're wrong. And it will always be thus.

So. Solution No. 1: pick the right partner. And since the wrong partner can often disguise themselves as the right partner, learn the art of tactical retreat and get the hell out when the mask comes off, the fangs come out and the screeching begins. It will only get worse. Her problem is obvious. What's not obvious is why you should want to make it your problem.

Okay, so you take care of problem No.1 and now you're with someone who really likes you and has some sense of what relationship is about, and now you REALLY want to please her. You have to work at it. You might have to study a little. You might need to get over your fear of not being a porn star stud (you're not, you won't be and she already knows and it's okay with her. Remember, she's the right partner). Pick up some literature. There's plenty out there, and it's not hard to find information that rings true for you. You've already said you've had good sex with women, so we'll assume this is a confidence issue. So prepare yourself. You probably spent more time and effort preparing for your drivers license test then you've spent actually learning about your plumbing, your reactions and what's real and what's fantasy. Because right now, you are living in a fantasy, and the fantasy is "I can't succeed, and I can't face the embarrassment." Self-fulfilling prophesy, nothing more.

There are simple techniques that can be learned, things that can be done with your partner... but the most difficult thing is for you to write a new script that doesn't end with you sitting home alone. It's your script. As long as you're writing it, give it a happy ending.

You're not broke, you don't need fixing. You need to take some actions.

------------------
If they get you asking
the wrong questions,
they don't have to worry
about the answers
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If they get you asking
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they don't have to worry
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Old 09-22-2003, 08:52 AM   #3
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Well to tell you the truth, the whole thing seems to be an issue inside of her and I have a feeling that your not the first guy that she's done this too. I can understand a woman being disappointed if she doesn't orgasm but to go off the wall like that and be so hurtful tells me that its about her and had nothing to do with you. Its like she wanted to hurt you and it sounds like she suceeded so far.....well that is if you continue to allow her.

Just a woman perspective
Seasons

 
Old 09-22-2003, 03:43 PM   #4
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Your right about her having done this before. I remember she once told me her past boyfriend called her a "black widow". I am just trying to figure out how to get beyond this and not let her continue to hurt me. I guess I feel stuck.

 
Old 09-22-2003, 09:42 PM   #5
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Darkfur HB User
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Castlebravo, you have my sincere sympathies for experiencing what you did. This woman sounds like a real female dog. Since she's "really beautiful" she might feel like she can say and do whatever she wants to a guy. She did not have to treat you like she did. You tried to work it out and she wouldn't cooperate. And expecting sex from you after tearing into you like that? I'm glad you finally told her off!

The best part about this relationship is that it's over. She is someone else's problem now. I am sorry she scarred you. You've had good sex in the past, so you know you can do it. You have done it.

Edgework's reply is excellent! Reading that has made even me feel better about looking for a girlfriend! My biggest worry is the initial encounter. I've never had sex, and have no idea how good I will be. If I find the right woman, she won't look down on my 4.5 inch penis. If there's a problem, she will work with me to make sex an enjoyable experience for both of us. I've said "No woman will ever want me" before, and it will remain true as long as I believe it. I am making progress in seeking my first girlfriend. If she treats me anything like your old one did, I'll find another one.

I'm very happy that you've had good experiences in the past: other memories to compare this to. This is not the end of your sex life. Look at the title of this thread: "Had a bad sexual experience, what Now?"

What now? Turn around and move on! Gotta do it.

Use what you've learned from this painful experience. Could it be your technique needs some polishing? Maybe. Maybe not. It wouldn't hurt to look up some stuff on sexual positions, giving better oral, etc. And when you find the "right partner" and become sexual, you can use her feedback (if you dare ask it) to improve your pleasuring techniques. Girls are not all like that last one!

Don't get me wrong: this was not your fault. When it comes to chicks like that, who cares if they get off, lol!

Good luck!

 
Old 09-23-2003, 10:30 PM   #6
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Exclamation

i have a simlar problem

i am 19 and not had many sexual experiances, and i have met someone very special.

she is 23,and i think i love her. she says she loves me, and really seems to as wel, for example she gets real jelous if anohter girl rings me etc (mite not sound like a big deal but i have not been loved b4)

now, i have been seeing her for a month and we have not yet had sex.

i am very nervous about the size of my penis and wether or not i will "do a good job" in the bed

i suppose if she loves me it wont matter...

but it feels better just to talk about it!

castlebravo, i really wuddnt worry, she sounds like a real "player" u can do with out her and her opinions!
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Old 09-24-2003, 12:42 AM   #7
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Castlebravo you poor dude

OK all sympathies aside, I agree: You are not broken and do not need to be fixed dammit!!! Just relax once you have have met the right girl and its time. And DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT think of Ms. Black Widow when the time comes, sweety.

I wish you the best in life

Oh and Olly, don't worry so much hehe

 
Old 09-24-2003, 05:45 AM   #8
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I guess what I was trying to say is that you need to disregard anything that she said to you because it wasn't even about you. As Edgewood said......you could have been the best lover on earth and she still would have dumped on you....for whatever reason that is inside HER she seems to need to make men feel bad about themselves sexually. Take a look at what happened for what it is and realise that it wasn't even about you...it's about her.
Something you might want to ask yourself though....using myself as an example....if a man told me that I was awful in bed I would laugh because I know that's not true and it would have absolutely no impact on me. So ask yourself what is going on inside you that is allowing her to have so much say in how you feel about yourself. It may not have anything at all to do with sex....maybe just an insecurity in general that is eating you up......?? Think about it.

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Old 09-24-2003, 03:55 PM   #9
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Yes, it sounds like the girl was a little rushed: But women need to orgasm too. She might have been a little mean about it, but PLEASE! How could a man not know if a woman has ever had an orgasm with him??!? That is an incredibly selfish way of looking at things, and it sounds like the man doesn't even know how to make sex last or be enjoyable.
Sometimes a guy needs a little smack in the face to wake him up. The question remains as to whether he'll learn anything from it.

[This message has been edited by bfl (edited 09-26-2003).]

 
Old 09-25-2003, 06:38 AM   #10
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edgework HB User
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Quote:
Originally posted by Cordy:

Sometimes a guy needs a little smack in the face to wake him up. The question remains as to whether he'll learn anything from it.
And where's the best place to smack you, to make you learn?

Just wondering.



------------------
If they get you asking
the wrong questions,
they don't have to worry
about the answers
__________________
If they get you asking
the wrong questions,
they don't have to worry
about the answers

 
Old 09-25-2003, 08:25 AM   #11
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savysac HB User
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dude,

dont sweat the small stuff

look at it this way, at least you got to ejaculate on a hot chick, just put another notch on your belt and move on. We cant make all of the people happy all of the time, and I think that you put way to much emphasis on her enjoyment and not yours.

If she was this much of a monster in bed, she had to have other traits away from bed that were just as rude as well. Sometimes we are blinded by love or at the very least blinded by beauty.

I have had women compare me to other men, and I really dont care. I know if a woman is willing to bring in other men into our bedroom, she is not a keeper. So you might as well get as much enjoyment as you can before you move on.

Man, dont be so hard on (no pun intended) yourself over this. I like to think of sex as a game of baseball. Every at bat is not going to be a grandslam or even a home run. If you can bat .350 to .400 consider yourself lucky. Some teams are just sore losers is all, and it seemed like the last team you played with was an exceptionally sore loser. Remember, it is not whether you win or lose, just that you enjoyed playing. And in the end, it is still just a game and you shouldnt beat yourself up over a game.

Well good luck in regaining your confidence, it seems to me that you should have never let this woman take it away from you in the first place. Just put on your glove, grab your bat and come out swinging and your next at bat may be a homerun.

peace

terry

[This message has been edited by bfl (edited 09-26-2003).]

 
Old 09-25-2003, 08:44 AM   #12
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KingFootie HB User
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Don't worry about it, she wasn't for you anyway. Sounds like she has a horrible attitude and she has no concern for your feelings.

However, you should seriously consider foreplay before sex because women generally need more time to climax than men. I've been married for several years and there are times after intercourse when I'd ask my wife if she had an orgasm or how many times. I do this because I need to know if she's satisfied, if not then I need to do something differently in order to please her. You simply can't have sex and not discuss it afterwards.

The right girl is out there for you, keep looking and move on.

Hope this helps.

 
Old 09-25-2003, 03:08 PM   #13
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castlebravo HB User
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Quote:
Originally posted by Cordy:
Yes, it sounds like the girl was a little rushed: But women need to orgasm too. How could a man not know if a woman has ever had an orgasm with him??!? That is an incredibly selfish way of looking at things, and it sounds like the man doesn't even know how to make sex last or be enjoyable.
Sometimes a guy needs a little smack in the face to wake him up.
So, if she doesn't get off then it is OK to smack him around? How about if she doesn't put out I smack her around? I think you're the selfish one. Why don't you go do yourself and if you don't enjoy it just smack yourself in the face, maybe you'll learn something!



[This message has been edited by bfl (edited 09-29-2003).]

 
Old 09-25-2003, 03:14 PM   #14
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You were verbally abused by that self centered, uncaring woman. You are a victim, and I hope you realize that she would be pretty happy to know she has caused you such grief. Are you going to continue to give her that satisfaction? Please, pick up the pieces and find someone else who will care for you in return.

 
Old 09-25-2003, 03:50 PM   #15
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The "smack" in the face was a euphamism for the use of strong words. I certainly don't advocate physical violence of any form. And as I said before, the woman didn't sound very nice. It's better to deliver that euphamistic "smack in the face" in a slightly less nasty way.
Thanks for your advise anyway Castle...

 
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