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Old 09-26-2003, 08:33 AM   #1
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Unhappy What am I doing wrong?

Sorry for the length of this post, but I want to be sure to post all the "facts" before asking your advice.

I have been seeing a guy for 4 months now & things seem to be going great, except our sex life. (He's 26)I consider myself to be attractive as is he & I've never had issues with this before. When we first got together he said sex was very important to him in a relationship which was a relief to me because I have a very high sex drive. (I'm 30) The thing that baffles me is that we're lucky to have sex once a week and I usually initiate it. He rarely kisses me, which is one of my major "hot" buttons & four play is pretty much non-existent on his part, I usually am the only one to "play."

He told me from the very beginning that he doesn't like going down on women due to a couple bad experiences. This was fine for me because I don't allow a guy to go down on me until feelings run pretty deeply. Well, now I'm ready & he refuses yet he CONSTANTLY wants head. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE giving head & am very good at it...until now. I can't seem to bring him to orgasm! Also, he's always trying to talk me into anal which is something I just don't like to do. I've tried it once, and never wish to try it again.

It seems like sex is all about HIS needs & honestly I feel like I don't fulfill them. I am VERY energetic in bed and have never had complaints, in fact...quite the opposite. WHY does it seem he's not interested in 1. having sex that often and 2. pleasing me sexually? I'll give him this....he DOES hold off until I orgasm which isn't very often because I'm rather difficult to get off, by clitoral stimulation only. Many times I have to have my "toy" in addition to him penetrating me to climax. BUT that's not important to me. I'd trade rarely having an orgasm for sex more often. Our schedules ARE busy because I have a child & he has to come to my house if we see one another during the week and every other weekend we both have our girls, but there's lunch hour, him coming over to my place at night...plenty of time to sneak sex in but I feel like he just isn't interested.

WHAT am I doing wrong???!!!

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~Shae

"The only ignorant questions, are the one's that remain unasked."
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Old 09-26-2003, 09:04 AM   #2
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You are doing nothing wrong....he is being an insensative, selfish *****. If I were you, unless he starts going down on you, I would stop giving him head, or at least not do if very much. Plain and simple. As far as the anal goes, don't let him push you into anything you don't want to do. Not all women can do it, and for a woman to be able to do it without pain, she HAS to want it to, or at least not be nervous about it. If you are tense about it, your muscles down there are going to be tense, and it is going to cause pain. IMO, if he doesn't make some compromises, I would move on.....sorry, I don't mean to sound harsh, it just seems like you could do much better, and find someone less selfish who cares more about your feelings.

 
Old 09-26-2003, 09:16 AM   #3
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Thank you, I appreciate that. I do love him though. I've also tried talking to him about it but he says I over analyze. Do you think he's getting sex elsewhere? I've never had a feeling he's cheating nor have any clues appeared in that direction, but why doesn't he want sex more if it's "so important" to him? I'm feeling neglected. I'm used to having sex daily in a relationship and here we are NEWLY 3 months into it and I'm lucky to be with him once a week. My last boyfriend was 21 and we did it 2-3 times a day, sometimes more....the guy before him was 20 and it was the same....What's going on with this one? Does a man's sex drive diminish at all from 20 to 26? ***? I'm so confused & need advice on what to try....maybe I need to "spice it Up" a little. I've been contemplating trying new things like tying him up or playing more with toys for him and I both, not just my **** stimulator.

I just find it hard to believe that he could be getting bored after 3 months when we only average sex once a week! LOL

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"The period of greatest gain in knowledge and experience is the most difficult period in one's life."
-- Dalai Lama



[This message has been edited by Shaelynn (edited 09-26-2003).]
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Old 09-26-2003, 09:29 AM   #4
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Hey! It's hard to say if he's getting it somewhere else. He still want's BJ's all the time, right? huh. Again, not to be harsh, but it seems he may just be kinda lazy...preferring you giving him head so he doesn't have to work at anything, and refusing to go down on you. I don't know...I don't think you are doing anything wrong, I think he is the one with the problem. I know you love him, but sometimes love just isn't enough, you know?

 
Old 09-26-2003, 09:30 AM   #5
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Hey! It's hard to say if he's getting it somewhere else. He still want's BJ's all the time, right? huh. Again, not to be harsh, but it seems he may just be kinda lazy...preferring you giving him head so he doesn't have to work at anything, and refusing to go down on you. I don't know...I don't think you are doing anything wrong, I think he is the one with the problem. I know you love him, but sometimes love just isn't enough, you know?

 
Old 09-26-2003, 09:48 AM   #6
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Hey

Normally I would be the last person to oversimplify and suggest this, but when I was first reading your post, one gut reaction kept going through my head: "he's gay".
I mean, maybe he does normally have a strong sex drive (with men), and no wonder he (a) doesn't want to go down on you (b)always wants head (easy to close your eyes and pretend it's a man... but then your conscience sneaks in and makes it hard to get off)and (c)places an emphasis on anal sex (see a & b).

Of course, there could be a million legit reasons why he doesn't want sex right now and things aren't as he claimed they are/would be, from stress at work to illness to depression to another woman to many others. There could be alot of things that you're not telling us which might make my suggestion seem reactionary and impossible, but just from what you're giving us, I had an immediate thought and I'm going with it. 24 is still pretty young; it wouldn't be that unusual for a 24-yr old to be closeted and still dating women in order to maybe convince himself he's not gay.... Sorry! Hope I'm wrong & I don't mean any offense.

 
Old 09-26-2003, 09:58 AM   #7
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He's 26....but you just freaked me out...he DOES love it from behind & he lives in an apartment complex owned by a gay man & occupied by mostly gay men. I joke with him about being gay.....HOLY ****...I hope to God that isn't true! How will I know! LOL
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Old 09-26-2003, 10:29 AM   #8
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Well.....there are straight men out there who don't enjoy going down on a woman, and actually pretty much EVERY straight guy I know loves anal sex, but I have to admit jamie and Shaelyn, that thought did cross my mind too.....

 
Old 09-26-2003, 10:29 AM   #9
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Well.....there are straight men out there who don't enjoy going down on a woman, and actually pretty much EVERY straight guy I know loves anal sex, but I have to admit jamie and Shaelyn, that thought did cross my mind too, but I didn't want to say anything..... LOL

 
Old 09-26-2003, 11:00 AM   #10
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So how will I know...I can't ASK him. God, now I'm paranoid about it. Maybe it is just me. Maybe he's not as attracted to me as I thought he was. I don't want to ask him that though because I don't want him to think I'm insecure. Advice?

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"The period of greatest gain in knowledge and experience is the most difficult period in one's life."
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[This message has been edited by Shaelynn (edited 09-26-2003).]

[This message has been edited by Shaelynn (edited 09-26-2003).]
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Old 09-26-2003, 11:44 AM   #11
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Is your lover ok with your toy? I'm not sure but could this toy be dulling your sensitivity?

Anyway, that he could be gay did not cross my mind until I read the other posters. But then you can't get him off giving head.... Don't bring in the tinkerbells and then some. Any healthy guy stands to attention when he sees a woman in the nude. Could it be that he is worrying about something, stress at work?

Regarding the gay question. I think you can ask him flat out, straight in his face. Why avoid it? Why drag on? Get it out and move on! You may have to take that last bit literally. Any outcome is better than continuing this ordeal.

[This message has been edited by bfl (edited 10-06-2003).]

 
Old 09-26-2003, 12:57 PM   #12
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Gosh, I'm sorry to have freaked you out. After re-reading your first post, I was thinking to myself that maybe I was wrong, but if other people have had that thought, too.... There seem to be alot of things in this guy's life pointing in that direction. They could all be coincidences or explained some other way, but... I'm a gay man... maybe my gaydar was going off even over cyberspace! (LOL)

I think you should just ask him. Don't be all threatening and accusatory, of course --- make it sound like you are his friend and are only concerned with his happiness (which I'm sure you are, even if you have other reasons for wanting to know, also.)If he IS gay, and maybe he is struggling with it, and if you guys are really close, maybe he will be relieved that he has someone to finally talk to about it. But if he's not ready, he may totally deny it and it could get ugly --- you should be prepared for that, too.

Personally --- and this may be hard to see right now --- but I'd think that if he is gay, it might be kind of a relief in a way: I mean, not nice that he's kind of involved you in his own little drama, but hey, at least it's not you. But if he's straight and he's just an insensitive a**hole who doesn't appreciate you or respect you enough to give you what you need or even talk about it, then what do you do with that info???

Either way, I have a feeling it might be time for a new boyfriend... sorry! Best of luck to you!

 
Old 09-26-2003, 01:40 PM   #13
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Well, from a guy's point of view, it sounds like you're giving a lot more than your getting. I wouldn't give him any more head until he goes down on you. It also sounds like you are doing all the work. You have made it too easy for him. He doesn't have to do anything to get what he wants from you. Maybe not just in the bedroom, but is the whole relationship like this too? I would back off and see if he chases you, he needs a good tease. Sometimes men are like dogs, if you walk up up too him and feed him out of your hand sure he might eat it, but if you hold up some food from a distance he might come charging.
The only other thing is he might feel pressured to put out. Don't nag him. And what ever you do, don't ever tell him about how often you had sex with your other boyfriends, like a comparison. It would all be over then. Good luck.

 
Old 09-26-2003, 02:44 PM   #14
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hey castle bravo are you gay ? just wondering , it seems like u know what men want..

anyway , i dont think you should stop just giving head , i think your should stop doing anything , i mean .he doesnt get off,doesnt put out , only wants to go in th anal, and now there is a possibilty he is gay ? and your stressed or sles you wouldnt be here talking about it . i mean i think its time to give this loser the boot and go get a real man .

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Old 09-26-2003, 03:05 PM   #15
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Cool

Quote:
Originally posted by Rap it up everytime!:
hey castle bravo are you gay ? just wondering , it seems like u know what men want..
No, do you want me to be?

 
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