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Old 08-06-2003, 09:04 AM   #1
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leslie01 HB User
Post What could be wrong with him?? Please Advise...

My fiance and I have not had sex in three weeks! He has no sex drive. He used to have a HUGE sex drive and we'd have sex sometimes numerous times in one day. Now I realize that would not last and I did not enjoy haveing sex that much. At least once per week would be nice. (This has been going on now for about 6 months)

He keeps telling me its not me, but I can't help but think it is. I'm going crazy here! He works hard, but his hours aren't too bad, usually 7am-5pm. What could be causing this? Its tearing me up. If we're not having sex now, what will things be like in a few years of marriage?? I definately feel that a healthy sex life promotes a healthy relationship.

And I don't feel like he's even trying to overcome this problem. If I'm ever not in the mood, it doesn't take me three weeks to get myself in the mood.
What kind of doctor should I recommend to him??

Please advise.
Thank You!

 
Old 08-06-2003, 02:08 PM   #2
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projapoti HB User
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Your husband might be having trouble with impotence or just simple trouble keeping an erection. It might've happened the last time you had sex and is really bothering him. It's funny, but a lot of the time, inability to keep an erection is more of an anxiety thing rather than an actual organic problem. You have to approach your husband and tell him how you feel. Don't attack him; sit him down, and tell him that you need to talk to him about something that is important to you. Then ask him gently if there's a reason why he hasn't made love to you in the recent past. Tell him it's concerning you, because it seems like something's wrong.

 
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Old 08-06-2003, 09:34 PM   #3
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roni624 HB User
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My bestfriend is having the same problem with her boyfriend. He keeps telling her he's just tired. He has the same hours as your fiance. She has already told him she would stand beside him and go see a doctor to find out...but he doesn't say anything back. He had the same problem 10 years ago when he dated me. I think his problem is health related. Do you think your fiance may have a health problem or does he not show any interest in you at all? Sorry to pry.-Roni

 
Old 08-07-2003, 01:53 PM   #4
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Yes, he still is interested in me. We hug, kiss, snuggle, talk several times a day from work, talk about everything, do things together, etc.....we're best friends.

When I have tried to talk to him about his sex drive, he gets frustrated with me. I think he's embarassed or frustrated with himself and can't figure out why he doesn't have the urge or desire to have sex with me.

I hope its not anything medical, but if this goes on for a long time, I guess we'll have it checked out. I keep trying to chalk it up to the fact that he is unhappy with his job right now, works hard, is still adjusting to "real world" (we've only been out of college for a year now), stressed because he's worked full-time to pay almost all of the bills while I went to graduate school and only worked part time.

Somehow writing all this down makes it seem more clear to me. I'm sure these are all the reasons for his loss of sex drive. I graduate this Sat and start my job next Friday and he's in the process of changing jobs. Hopefully things will change soon. If not, then we'll look at medical explanations.

Thanks!

 
Old 08-07-2003, 02:03 PM   #5
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roni624 HB User
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Good luck Leslie...I think it was more stress related. Hope everthing goes well for the both of you. Congatulations on your graduation. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/grad.gif-Roni

 
Old 08-08-2003, 07:26 AM   #6
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somewhatworried HB User
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maybe he;s cheating? thus using his sex dive elswhere...

 
Old 08-08-2003, 09:35 AM   #7
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Oh no. Trust me, he's not cheating. I come from a family of divorce. I honestly don't know of one happy marriage. He went through hell to get me to trust him and to open up to him. We've talked about how cheating is the ultimate betrayal and that if either of us ever felt the need to go elsewhere, that we could both live without each other.

He always called me the 'jackass guy' and said he was the 'anxious girl' because he started talking about marriage after we had only been together for a year. After seeing what my mother went through, I made myself a promise that I would not get married till I had my bachelor's degree and master's degree to take care of myself. I just finished my master's and we are getting married in April '04.

Like I said in a previous reply, after writing it all down, I think I've answered my own question. I think its just stress and fatigue that is ruining his sex drive.

 
Old 08-08-2003, 10:22 AM   #8
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Lambtube HB User
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Stress can do a lot to ruin a guy's ability to get and maintain an erection. A big one is performance anxiety. The worst thing a woman can do is get worked up about it, suggest he see a Dr. etc. That gets the guy worried, and when he is worried, he won't get hard.

he sounds like a good guy - so, build him up. reassure him that its normal and will go away on its own. 98% chance it will go away. If after, say a year it doesn't - or if he has any pain, unusual discharges etc. - see a Dr.

 
Old 10-06-2003, 02:41 PM   #9
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Something bothers me, you said, "I don't feel like he's even trying to overcome this problem..." If he really loves you enough to marry you, he will discuss the problem with you and be willing to see a doctor if it comes to that. There are many things that can cause a man to lose his sex drive, stress, a lack of sleep, medications and diet are just a few. Finally, please do not rush into marriage until this is resolved because marriage is intended to be for life and he must be open and honest with you now. If he can't open up to you now, don't expect it in the marriage.

I hope it works out well for you.

 
Old 10-08-2003, 10:30 PM   #10
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I have to agree with KingFootie, but also , and remember it is only with your best interest at heart I say to you, if everything is, as you think, then why couldn't he just tell you? Why as you said,"Every time I bring it up, he gets frustrated", can't he sit down and have a heart 2 heart with you? You are the woman he had to work so hard for to win her trust , isn't that what you wrote? So why if he earned yours, haven't you earned his? His inability to open up to me would hurt more then not having sex with me, do you understand what I mean? I hope as you said , "Things should get better once I graduate and he moves jobs", but all of that still doesn't explain why he won't acknowledge or see , he is 1/2 of a couple and what effects him will inevitably effect you. Therefore , it's only rational he should care about what it's doing to you, and be willing to sit with you, and talk it all out. This makes me think he hasn't or doesn't really equate what being a couple is all about. I mean, isn't how a person handles a bad situation as important as the situation itself? The "how" usually tells me at least a lot about the person as well. So if it doesn't feel right to me in my gut, I would have to wonder if entering something as serious as marriage with them would be wise.

 
Old 10-08-2003, 11:53 PM   #11
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See I disagree with this mindset entirely, I'm a man so maybe its a man thing a pride thing, but I can totally understand why a guy would be embarassed to talk about something like this, I know I would. It has nothing to do with 'love' or 'trust' it has everything to do with humilitation and the guys own ego bieng torn up about it.

I dont know how you can consider a guy not wanting to talk about his impotence something to be held against him, sure its his soon to be wife wich makes it all the more painful and uncomfortable to talk about.

I think the last thing to do if you love him is go and get angry with him about this and try to crack him open like a clamshell, be delicate and approach it openly he probably needs stress medication.

__________________

 
Old 10-09-2003, 05:08 PM   #12
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You don't say how old you are but I assume you are both young (twenties or thirties ?). In which case, I feel there is a real problem, physical, mental or both, and the sooner it is sorted out the better - definitely before marriage. See a doctor together to eliminate physical issues and, if necessary, a sex therapist about mental ones.

 
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