Sorry if I am not in the right place, but I just wanted a guys thoughts on something. Yes, I am married but maybe you can help me understand, Why do guys cheat? Is it because they just can't be faithful, or because they just can't go without sex? I honestly don't understand....I mean I do know that everyone isn't compatible when it comes to different levels of sex drive, some are but not all. My husband has cheated 3 times that I know of, and said that he has (since we have been married) has never slept with anyone but me. One of the times I caught him on the internet, actually I seen the chat archives and couldn't believe what I read. And then one time I got a letter in the mail (of course with no named sighed to it) that told me to watch him, because he was spending alot of time with his X wife, which works at the same place of business that he does, just a different building. And one other time, he had left his email open, and I seen he had been emailing his old girlfriend. (So the whole time we have been married he has been talking to some other woman, other then his wife)I have confronted him on all, and he said that he had never been with any of them. I am sorry but I don't buy it. And no I am not a perfect wife, I have pushed him away, probably after the first time I found out, because (I am sorry, but I am only human) it was very hard for me to look him in the eyes and makelove to someone I couldn't trust. (Trust is a big thing with me) Don't get me wrong I didn't just cut him off, I just haven't been that interested in him after the first time or much less after the last 2 times he did this to me, which by the way was about 2 months after we were married. I did find out from his daughter, that he has cheated on all of his X wives.... We are now separated, he is staying in a Hotel closer to his work about 45 minutes from me. We both agreed to have some time apart, but this is very hard for me....does it ever get any better. I do love him still, I just don't believe that he hasn't slept with any of these women, just from the things I have found and read. I would just like him to be honest with me and lay it all out on the table (but why won't he do that)....I have to have that....closure...to heal. Thanks guys for letting me talk, I have no one to talk to where I live so I guess I just needed someone to let me vent alittle. Thanks in advance for any replies.....
I have no idea why someone would cheat, male or female. I guess they're not happy in their situation or people find them so attractive, and they just don't have the strength to say "no". It's a weakness.
I would feel too guilty cheating. I've never done it and never will.
First off let me start by saying I am sorry to hear your are in such pain, and I hope you get your closure you seek.
Now as to why guys cheat, since we all think different it is hard to land on one answer. Personally I have never cheated on my wife nor ever will. But I have a lot of friends who cheat on women left and right....I will detail one....
My friend is an aspiring director who enjoys the fast pace of Hollywood life....he is in his early thirties and sees sleeping with as many "Hot" women as he can as a kind of conquest in life. He is a very good hearted person in most other areas, but in that area he seems to feel that having sex with all the women of the world will win him something, or make his life happier since he will have "experienced so much". I do not agree with him and feel bad when meeting his new girlfriends who have the starry-eyed "me and him are gonna be an item someday" look, and then he gives me the "don't mention anything bad about me" looks. It is all very confusing to me as well sometimes, but I guess we all evolve differently...
Anyhow, a man who has a lot of X's (even still works with one) and cheated on them, even to the point his lil KID noticed is maybe feeling TRAPPED somehow in all his relationships. I guess one does not always find out if a person is a cheater till it is too late sometimes, but I can tell you from my experiences, my friends who have cheated once will cheat again(and have many times with some)...and even though I have heard some of their rambling excuses or apologys, about how they messed this or that up, they still do it again with others!
Ahh well, all I can recommend for you to do is to perhaps seek marriage counseling and try to get it out in the open if ya feel the marriage is at all worth saving (since you have not actually VERIFIED any of his cheating, and plus it will get you backup ON RECORD if it comes to a divorce). Also perhaps go to psychology boards and ask for help from more skilled people in that area. Just my 2 cents...hope ya work it out for the best....
I agree with the above post. Some men are just jerks. Really STUPID jerks.
Somehow these guys have never really grown up. They still want to impress their buddies as to how many women they can "score".
They are losers. They are home-wreckers. They can not be trusted.
Now what I am about to say is not anti-female, but what amazes me is "Why do women stick with these A-holes for so long?"
I have a woman friend (a coworker) who is absolutely gorgeous... a fantastic mother to her kids... was very loyal to her husband... very smart woman... very talented... very stong person... and sexually appealing. Yet it took her 10 years of her husband's cheating and sleeping around on her to finally throw the dirt-bag out.
And it is not like she was financially worried. She has better earnings capability than he does. Weird.
To the original poster: If your husband is sleeping around, be extremely careful with your health. If you have sex with him, you do not know how many tramps he has stuck that thing in to.
[This message has been edited by bfl (edited 09-16-2003).]
There are plenty of women out there who cheat also. I personally do not understand why anyone would do it. I guess you have to determine what kind of personality your partner has and what their strengths and weaknesses are, before you get too invested in a relationship.
I am truly sorry you've been so hurt by your husbands cheating. I don't mean to sound insensitive, but you couldn't have gone into this blind, you must have had some knowledge of his past, didn't you? A big misconception is, he's just not with the right woman and so he cheats on her with the other woman. She in turn believes this is why he cheated, and it won't happen to her, because they are the correct pair for each other. But it inevitably does. Was he still married or involved with another woman at the time you met him? Chances are he was and it's a pattern for these guys.
I know that some men cheat because their wives just won't give it up anymore. I have been married for fourteen years, I love my wife and children and will never leave them. However, for the past five years we have been lucky if we average sex once a month. I have been thinking about cheating, just so that I can have sex again. No sex at home really sucks! I haven't done it yet because it goes against everything I have believed in so far in my life, but man, I need to have sex.
Oh ritgh! Talk to ur wife! Cant u do that? Expose your feelings! Tell her about your necessityes!
If cheating is REALY against ur personal beleaves u wont cheat. If she doesnt care about ur needs after u talk with her about, then I guess is betther to consider to leave her. I know this will distroy ur home but, will be probably worse for the kids to live through with u 2 together, if ur relationship came to this lack of concern with each other.
Talk with ur wife about your needs!
I have talked to her. She says we can have sex whenever I want. The problem is that when I ask, or try to be sweet she's too tired, not in the mood, etc. I doesn't matter when or where. Lately, she says that she feels like a pressure release valve. I have told her that if we had sex once in while that she wouldn't feel that way, because it wouldn't be quite so frantic that we do it. She has no sex drive anymore, and doesn't really care that she doesn't. She used to really like it when I went down on her, but now she says it feels weird. She won't go down on me either. Yeah, I've talked to her, it doesn't work. She says I am only being selfish.
Yeah! I mean, if she had a sexual drive before, like u said, It just cant have gone away nacturaly like that.
There must be sothing whrong. As far as I know, its normal for the sexual drive level to fall a LITTLE bit as the years go passing by. But just a little bit, and not sudently like that, ritgh? http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/confused.gif
DONT CHEAT ON YOUR WOMAN! You may as well not have one in the first place and go around screwing everything that moves! Dont comit unless you mean it - ITS IMPORTANT! It'll only destroy your self esteem in the long run - your going against your word - it'll lead to nightmares if you have a soul.
lonelyingeorgia.....did your dw just have a baby? Do you all have more than 1 small children? Also, is your dw on any type of medication for anything specific?
The reason I ask this is because all of these things can cause her to have a low sex drive.
I went through this with my dh. After our first child was born I was okay with sex still. In fact I got pregnant again 5 1/2 months after our dd was born. During my second pregnancy I didn't want to have sex as much but we were still averaging 3-4x a month. Well, when our second child came I was so exhausted of taking care of our first child, being pregnant and giving birth. Now I had another baby to care for. I thought I was just going to collapse. My dh was ready for sex but I wasn't. I told him I was just too exhausted. I wanted to be with him but by the time we were able to be alone all I wanted to do was rest and get some sleep. We were only having sex once a month if even that. I felt really bad for him. All this went on for about a year. I went to see my reg dr and he ran some tests on because I was having chest pains and I thought it was from all the stress of taking care of two toddlers, keeping up with our home and worrying about my dh happiness. I ended up being diagnosed with hypothyroidism. Evidently this illness alters your libido and there are many women who do not get diagnosed properly for it. I did some research and started taking vitamins and eating right and I have noticed each month has been getting better sexually between me and dh since the beginning of this year. We are now having sex about 14x a month. That is great and we are both happy. He never cheated but I knew he felt neglected. I wanted to just give up and not care also but I remember how much I loved sex with him and I wanted it back.
I felt pressured to have sex and I would lash out at him also. I told him he was selfish too. I was extremely stressed over this. I thought I was going to just hate sex completely because it had become such a big issue in our home. I am very grateful for my dh and his patience with me. He in return has found ways to help me a little more around the house and with the kids.
Please don't cheat on your wife. Sit down and talk with her. Ask her why she is tired all of the time. If she sounds like she may be unhappy ask her to see a dr to make sure she is okay. Not a psych dr but a general practioner or her gyno dr. I had to really push myself out of the house to see a dr.
My dh doesn't help me with the kids because he works so much and most of his hours are night/graveyard shifts. Plus he was always calling me from his work to talk and I was not getting enough sleep at night. I am a stay at home mom and I thought doing this would be easier than me working but it is harder than my previous job before my children came along.
We wanted to try for our third child first thing next year but a recent talk with a friend of mine who has 3 very small children changed my mind. I am enjoying our time together and we are going to wait until our daughters are old enough to do things for themselves. I am 30 yrs old and I am so happy to feel 30 and not 70 anymore.
Please give this some thought before you regret and have to live with a burden of infidelity weighing on your shoulders. Take care and keep us posted on how things are going.-Roni
[This message has been edited by roni624 (edited 09-12-2003).]
to the original poster, think about it this way for a second..
a man doesn't have to have sex to cheat. a man can cheat on you in sooooooo many ways. this chat room talking, does this count as cheating to you?
to me it does.
I can see how lost you are in your post. I don't think you have a clue to what to think. If he's betrayed you so many times, what makes you think next time will be any better.. like poof, magicly it will all just stop. you know better than that. you seem like a very smart woman. I know it's hard to listen to your head when your heart is overpowering. listen to what everyone is telling you, they offer a fresh look at your situation.