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Old 12-22-2012, 06:38 PM   #1
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Struggles With Sex

Hi, move this if appropriate, and I'll try and be brief, thanks for any advice you can help with.

Brief sexual history, when I was 18, I hooked up with a girl I liked on a weekend away, it was some sort of exchange program; the first time I went for 15 minutes without finishing and we stopped as she had finished, it didn't feel great, might explain me not finishing. The night after we apparently had amazing sex but I was black out drunk and don't remember. We met a month later and had better sex, think it was for about 5 minutes or so.

For the next 2 and a half years I had done various things with girls but not had sex. Ofcourse a lot of self pleasing, on average daily to fulfill the void.

Now on a year abroad, I've just turned 21 I have met a girl I really like, shes probably the best looking girl I've even kissed let alone gone further. We cuddle loads and even though its meant to be based around sex and not really doing the girlfriend/boyfriend thing to prevent feelings developing as we hooked up a month before she left so we are comfortable around each other. The first time I couldn't get fully hard or even hard enough to have sex the first time and had sex with a not fully hard penis the next morning which didn't last too long nor worked too well. For the next few times I was aware of not being hard and even though when we were making out, grinding and doing other four-play, I was very excited but when it comes to going sex, it kicked into my head that we were to have sex and I started feeling a different feeling than I was with the other stuff and went soft, her trying to rearouse me didn't work.

We talked about it and I felt more and more comfortable around her, we were very honest with each other and she said she doe enjoy herself with me due to the four-play. Anyway now after getting over that hurdle, sort of, when we have sex it doesn't last long (less than a minute). After a few times of that, we were close to leaving and that being the end of this relationship so she came out and said "I shouldn't say it but you always ask me how I'm feeling so here goes: I really like being with you, seeing you, that's why I invite you over. And you're a gentlemen and always nice and I love cuddling with you, making out with you, and you're actually very good with your hands and mouth, but sometimes that's not enough and I get really into it so its disappointing that if we get to have sex, it lasts so little. Even though you do you're very best before and after, sometimes I need more"

So what am I to do? I can get hard enough to have sex now, although she's gone so next time could be completely different. I'm very attracted to her but maybe next time with another girl I will be fully hard or not enough. Also, how do I go about lasting longer, I've tried thinking about boring stuff but the feeling it still new to me and I can't fight it. Also when watching porn, I'm constantly hard, fully all the time, not necessarily the case with her. I last maybe about 2 and a half minutes whilst masturbating to porn.

So am I masturbating too much? What can I do, guys and girls perspective.
Thanks

 
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Old 12-22-2012, 11:40 PM   #2
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Re: Struggles With Sex

All I can say, is stop looking at porn.

Start looking at her.

:-)

 
Old 12-24-2012, 11:50 AM   #3
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Re: Struggles With Sex

It sounds like you are having the problems of both high penile sensitivity (premature ejaculation) and low penile sensitivity (inability to maintain good erections in sex).

Too much masturbating will make it difficult to get (or keep) an erection and/or orgasm from sex (from reducing sensitivity), so masturbating less often should help you get better erections in sex, but it won't make you orgasm more slowly. Things that make orgasm take longer are generally things that reduce sensitivity (there are also psychological factors to consider). If you have foreskin, you can keep it retracted for some amount of time during the day to desensitize the most sensitive parts from the non-sexual contact with the fabric of clothing. The bad thing is that the reduced sensitivity might make it more difficult to get and maintain a good erection from sex (or orgasm from sex).

Maybe less masturbating combined with desensitizing could help you.

What do you think about your penile sensitivity? (Could it be too high or low?)

 
Old 12-25-2012, 06:08 AM   #4
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Re: Struggles With Sex

Quote:
maybe next time with another girl I will be fully hard or not enough
Mikey, that's your problem right there. Why are you worrying about your ability with another girl in the future? Answer: you are far too anxious. Over a period of time, you will have to learn some relaxation techniques before you attempt another serious relationship. It's great that you are into foreplay: you obviously know that giving pleasure is more important than receiving it in a sexual context. Learn to relax.
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Old 12-25-2012, 06:39 PM   #5
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Re: Struggles With Sex

Thanks for your responses.

Okay I'm not sure but I would guess I am quite sensitive. I don't feel great satisfaction during sex at the beginning whilst I am trying to get it in properly, make her feel comfortable, get the right pace etc but when we are both settled and I start feeling it properly, I very quickly want to finish, to the point of the pleasure comes so quickly I have very little to no time to be able to adjust, slow down or even pull out. It doesn't happen first and then happens all at once.

I am definitely anxious, although I am extremly comfortable around her, I like spending time with her, I want to see her, I initiate things but when we are to have sex, something takes over in my head saying Here we go this is the moment and then suddenly I start going soft. We've had to go from fourplay straight into sex, no interrim period, so I can get in whilst still hard.

When watching porn I can get hard again 10 minutes later whilst it takes about 30-45 minutes when with her to get hard again and its difficult to maintain it for a long time.

She loves the fourplay and says I geniunely do a good job but sometimes needs/wants more in terms of the actual sex itself, and I really want to give it to her.

That relationship has now finished as the semester has finished and she won't be returning, but this foreign exchange experience often sees people hooking up so I am more than likely to be in that situation again. Psychologically, when approaching girls, I have renewed confidence and am confident I can please the girl in any sort of kissing or four play, just the sex now worries me and I try to hold it off. A couple of times I have been so into it all I had in my mind was I want to have sex with you real bad and then we went for it but other times I'd rather finish her off with four play.

So as quick tips. masturbate less and stay away from porn, and when I do masturbate, try and last as long as possible, even if it means stopping and regoing, or does that defeat the point?

I want to try kegels and have tried but can't do it without holding my breath and my abs tensing, which I've read means I'm not doing it properly.

Yeah I want to do things right and of course this means a lot to me so I'll try things but need advice as it's all relatively new to me and wanted advice on what to start improving on.

Thanks again

 
Old 12-26-2012, 05:53 AM   #6
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Re: Struggles With Sex

Quote:
I want to do things right and of course this means a lot to me
Be confident that any girl you choose will appreciate the tender consideration you show in your post.

Mikey, most guys have problems with finishing too quickly. As you say, "It doesn't happen first and then happens all at once." Extend the foreplay, particularly oral. As you have already realised, you need to drop the porn.
Quote:
She loves the fourplay and says I geniunely do a good job
That sounds as if you know what you're doing: you just need a little more experience. Experience is the best teacher.
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Old 12-26-2012, 10:34 AM   #7
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Re: Struggles With Sex

One thing about early sexual experiences, you will get better with time and practice regardless of what you do otherwise. Sex isn't usually perfect at first. You'll get better at it as you get more comfortable.

Can kegels help make sex take longer? I only just read that. I don't know any more about that. I do know that developing those muscles can make orgasms feel quite a bit more intense. Stronger muscles make it feel like more is happening in ejaculation just for the stronger muscle movements.

If you're having difficulty figuring out how to do a kegel, the same muscle motion is actually part of the action of defecating (pooing). Contracting the sphincter is the same muscle action as a kegel.

 
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