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Old 03-20-2013, 12:58 PM   #1
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unhappywife HB User
Question hubby prefers porn and masturbating to having sex with me... please help!!!!

We have been married for about 3 years... when we first met we had amazing sex about 3 or 4 times a day... he told me back then that he used to watch porn everyday before he met me and since we met he never watched it. then i got pregnant and one morning i walked in on him masturbating and watching porn... after that (this was 2 years ago) this is all he wants to do now. He also takes a lot of pain meds for his back as he works outside doing construction... which he says makes him not able to get an erection or have an orgasm with me. He blames it on the meds... but he gets off to porn every chance he gets.

I am above average looking and have never had a problem with men in the bedroom. Before I met him I had a very active sexual life. I love sex and always have. He knows how I am.. I like everything.. I own several vibrators and have always had a very high libido. He says to me that I am going to cheat on him eventually because I love sex so much and he's not doing it for me anymore. He knows this but he wont try anymore... he just wants to watch porn.. I've tried everything with him, role playing, dressing up sexy for him, watching porn with him, talking dirty to him, everything I can think of. I try to keep myself as attractive as possible for him and wear sexy clothes for him all the time. We are both young and I know he loves sex as much as I do (thats part of the reason I married him). I dont know whats wrong with him now... its like he just doesnt want me. I ask him if hes seeing someone else and if hes just not attracted to me anymore and he says no he's not seeing anyone else and that he loves me and only me and only wants to be with me.

He's suggested seeing a therapist for our marital sexual issues. But I know what the problem is - he just wants to watch porn and masturbate and he doesnt want me.... I dunno what to do anymore... I love him sooo much - he's attractive and kind and a great dad, but I am soooo frustrated that I'm ready to pull my hair out. I'm deeply unsatisfied. I'm not even able to get pleasure out of my vibrators anymore because I'm so hurt by what he does. I just want him to make love to me like how we used to and its just not happening anymore. I really dont want to leave him or cheat on him. He is perfectly happy watching porn and masturbating - he prefers doing that than having sex with me - and sometimes I feel like he feels like sex with me is an obligation that he has to fulfill... like he gets his real pleasure out of looking at women on the computer and I'm just something that has to get done... like work or the dishes..

I dont know what to do anymore... I'm just so confused and frustrated and tired of the whole thing... if anyone has any suggestions please help me... just the fact that I'm writing this on here is proof of how frustrated I am and how much I just dont know what to do anymore... please help...

Last edited by Mod-S4; 03-20-2013 at 04:09 PM. Reason: Terminology.

 
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Old 03-21-2013, 12:36 PM   #2
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JustLooking123 HB User
Re: hubby prefers porn and masturbating to having sex with me...please help!!!!

It's ironic I came across this thread because I was just about to go looking for similar answers about my wife, who seems to have given up on sex. All I can say is, damn, I wish I was your husband! But back to you...

Since it sounds like you guys have probably tried everything sexually, he may just be going back to his old ways to find new thrills. It also sounds like getting pregnant was a turning point, so there could be something there to explore. Did you guys continue to have sex the whole time you were pregnant or what? If he had to "take a break" then maybe that's what caused him to slip back into the porn, or else for whatever reason he was no longer attracted to the idea that you were pregnant. Maybe he didn't want that to happen? That's what a regular sexual/marriage counselor can tell you.

Regardless, viewing online porn is an addiction, exactly similar to drugs or alcohol, his threshold may be getting lower and lower for what pleases him. Still, it's not right that he avoids you and now it's taking a toll on your marriage.

I think you are right to demand you two see a counselor. He probably needs an "intervention" more than anything, like a place where porn addicts can go and get counseling. He probably doesn't realize what an effect it is having on your and your family. There is nothing wrong with giving him an ultimatum that it's either you or the porn, take it or leave it. You have a lot of courage for avoiding doing anything rash in response like cheating on him, especially since you have a child with him now.

There could be all kinds of reasons. The fact that he told you up front he watched porn probably, in his mind, gave him permission to keep doing it, only he doesn't realize he's an addict. If you can reason with him, get him to see things in this light. Seeing sex as a chore could be it, too, but if he likes sex THAT much, I doubt it. Sounds like you keep it interesting. Does he allow you to watch porn with him? If he does, or if you can get him to, then maybe instead of jerking off he can just have sex with you when he's ready. In my opinion, having real sex with a real woman is far better than any porn can offer, even if I just want to "get off" quickly.

I think seeing a counselor is the best idea at this point. There is no advice I or any other man here can give you that will make him all of the sudden want to have sex with you again, but it sounds like you are doing everything right by thinking about it and looking for help.

Last edited by JustLooking123; 03-22-2013 at 10:50 AM.

 
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unhappywife (03-22-2013)
Old 03-22-2013, 11:01 AM   #3
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unhappywife HB User
Lightbulb Re: hubby prefers porn and masturbating to having sex with me...please help!!!!

Hello,

Thank you for your reply... it is a very difficult situation to be in and if yours is a similar one i wish you the best of luck in dealing with it. To answer some of your questions, yes we did continue to have sex while I was pregnant but my body was different and afterwards my body still hasn't returned to what it was before... i was modelling before and now I'm about 20lbs heavier. I think that it may be as simple as that - that I'm now not what he married - which was a skinny model girl... I'm now a regular mommy with a little baby fat around the middle... anyways thank you for your post... it was helpful in that it got me thinking about my body being different..

 
Old 03-22-2013, 01:26 PM   #4
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Houston, TX
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ck438 HB User
Re: hubby prefers porn and masturbating to having sex with me...please help!!!!

I think the fact that HE suggested seeing a therapist says he knows something is wrong. I would definitely get an appt. with a therapist. He may be a sex addict. One way or another, I would want to know. this is destroying your self-esteem and your marriage.

 
Old 03-22-2013, 02:59 PM   #5
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ssm43 HB User
Re: hubby prefers porn and masturbating to having sex with me...please help!!!!

I divorced my first husband over this,. I was 21 at the time and we had gotten married, had a baby, then it began, he started watching porn. I did not have sex for 18 months, and that was it, I tried to make it work, but he just wanted a divorce. They call it the Madonna Syndrome when the husband see's the baby be born, then he does not want to have sex with the Mom. Who know's if it is true or not, but that is what happened to me. If you want your marriage to work, go to counseling and work on it. The porn is going to have to go in the garbage because he is addicted to it!! The pain meds might be making him not want sex. Good luck!!

 
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