Ex and I are FWB

Operaghost

Me and my ex broke up 4 months ago. It was pretty bad, I didn't deal with it well and didn't get closure. A week after the break up, he was over for a talk where I tried to give things another shot, but we ended up having sex and he freaked out and left straight after, leaving me feeling more confused and totally used. We completely stopped talking, our only and mutual friends agreed we'd never be in the same room together with them because they felt so awkward, plus they lived with me at the time and had to see how the breakup affected me on a day to day basis when things were fresh.

My point is, since getting over things, and I say that loosely and you'll see why, I was ok with never seeing him. I packed his things, deleted him off social media etc. One day, completely out of the blue when things were starting to look up, he called and said he wanted to meet to talk. I said yes, but completely freaked out when I put down the phone. He got to my house, and we'd talked like nothing had ever happened and caught up like we were the best of friends that hadn't seen each other in a while. And I finally got my closure. After a few hours of talking, we both knew where the situation was going and I told him I didn't want to be used again, or confused. He repeated what he said the first time it happened, that he didn't love me anymore and too much has happened between us to get back together, but that he was still physically attracted to me. So since, we've been friends with benefits. He recently told his best friend, and him and his gf (those mutual friends that lived with me over the summer) made him promise not to see me again. But he has. For some reason, they think I'm going to be hung up on him and want him back etc, when the reality is, I don't feel any type of way about him when I think about it or even look at him.

I know this needs to stop, it isn't healthy for either of us and stops us both from properly moving on, and even though I don't feel any particular way about him, I still feel conflicted about ending things. Every now and again I'll remember something from when we were together, or we'll do something we used to when he's over, but I know that's not who we are. Yet for some reason, I can't just stop? Might I also add, im not sure about whether I should move to a different city next year. I feel like I have nothing holding me here anymore, I lost a lot this past year, but at the same time, the thought of never seeing him again breaks my heart and that confuses me so much. He's a different person, as am I. I loved him. And I would've done anything for him. But that was once upon a time and apparently, were not meant to be. Yet he still comes back to me. I don't want to see other people, I haven't met anyone I've clicked with, or had any sort of connection with. I know he's met up with a few girls he's been talking to, and things haven't worked for him. I'm guessing it's because he's set a standard and goals that are unrealistic, he seems to find faults in all of them. He called me once saying he cba with anyone, but then on the same evening after seeing me, he'd announce that he needs to call our "arrangement" off because he's been talking to someone for 2/3 days and it's "getting serious." And then comes back to me a week or so later. So maybe I'm not the only one that's confused. However, I'm tired of being a second choice, I'm tired of this situation. But at the same time, I look forward to seeing him and having, as funny as this sounds in all of this, someone to talk to if I need it. But this isn't a two way street anymore. And I guess I don't know what to do.

This is me just ranting and trying to get all my feelings out there, so I'm not expecting much. But maybe a few words of advice from people outside of the situation/circle would be appreciated.