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Old 11-30-2003, 07:35 PM   #1
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Little flower Amy HB User
Unhappy i don't think my boyfriend likes me anymore

i've been going out with my boyfriend (dylan) for the last four months, i'm 17 and he's 19 and things were going great uptil about two weeks ago but since then he's become very distant towards me.
about two weeks ago he wanted to be honest with me by telling me how many sexual partners he'd had and in exchange i tell him, that way we get everything out and we can have a completely honest and open relationship without wondering about eachothers past.
he told me that i was only his second sexual partner he'd ever had and then i told him i had had eight sexual partners before him, i think he was abit taken aback and since then he's started to avoid me by not answering his phone and when i'm finally with him he's no longer nice to me in the way he was, he has little digs at me and snide remarks which he never did before
if i had known he'd become so distant towards me i wouldn't have told him about it, i would have lied about the ammount of sexual partners i've had but he wanted to be honest with me and i wanted to be honest with him but i no longer think he loves me now and he's the first person i've ever met in my life who i truely love
i don't want him to be like this towards me, i wish i'd never had told him, he doesn't need to feel insecure towards me, i love him but now he's starting treat me like dirt and its tearing me apart

i desperately need help, how can i make him love me again like he did before??

thank you.

xAmyx
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Old 12-01-2003, 06:24 AM   #2
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Re: i don't think my boyfriend likes me anymore

I once had an ex-boyfriend who told me he had had over 25 sexual partners before me. It completely changed my perception of him. I think this is what happened with your boyfriend. From my perspective, I felt like I couldn't possibly be that special to this man if he has been with so many other women before me. I got over it eventually but the relationship didn't work out. I was just a blip on his radar screen. Maybe that's what your boyfriend is feeling. You should talk to him about it and ask him outright if he is bothered by this. Also tell him that if this relationship has any chance of working out, he should look forward not into the past. You are with him NOW and you love him and that's what's important. Also tell him that you've never felt this way about anyone before. Ask him if he is willing to start with a clean slate and have faith in your relationship.

 
Old 12-01-2003, 06:51 AM   #3
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Re: i don't think my boyfriend likes me anymore

Guys, especially young guys, sometimes act mean and distant when they don't want to be with you anymore but don't have the guts to leave you, in the hopes that if they're abusive enough to you, you will leave them, then they'll be off the hook. Don't play into this. Sit down and tell him what you've told us, "since we had that discussion about our past lovers, you've been distant and sometimes mean." He'll probably deny it, but you don't have to argue with him, just say that I know something's changed. Tell him how you feel about him and that you want the relationship to work, but you can't do anything about your past now. He needs to either accept you for who and what you are, or he needs to move on, but he needs to stop subjecting you to this kind of emotional abuse. If he needs time to process it, I'd say give it to him, but make it clear that you will no longer tolerate his snide, bitchy comments and insensitivity. And remember, you can't MAKE someone love you, and you can't love someone into loving you. You can have open communication, and if it's a problem that can be fixed, then you can fix it with more mutual respect and understanding, but if one partner just isn't in love anymore, there's not much to be done about that. And, really no judgment on you, but 17 does seem a bit young for 8 partners. Considering also the health issues (the more sexual partners a woman has, the higher her risk of cervical cancer, not to mention STDs), 17 is a great time of life to be focusing on the future, planning to achieve great goals, dreaming and enjoying being young and carefree. There's plenty of time to get bogged down with worry about sex, birth control, getting pregnant when you dont' want to be and all that other stuff. Consider reserving sex for when you find someone you can share an emotional and mental connection. It's soooo much better when body, heart, mind and soul are all involved, and that only comes with time. Hopefully your current guy can get over himself, accept your past and love you for the wonderful person you are today, and can build from there. If he can't, then chances are very good that if it wasn't this that turned him off, it would have been something else, and you're better off without him.

Last edited by Ninispjc; 12-01-2003 at 07:02 AM.

 
Old 12-19-2003, 07:33 PM   #4
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Little flower Amy HB User
Re: i don't think my boyfriend likes me anymore

update:

thanks for the advice guys, i told him how i felt, the way that i've never loved anyone like i loved him but he didn't change, his attitude towards me got worse and last weekend he said that he couldn't be with someone who had been so intimate with so many people and he broke up with me :cries:

i wish to god i had never had told him, just before he broke up with me he called me a ***** and a **** and that completely distroyed me, i am not any of those things and from loving someone in a way that i have never loved someone before i now consider him a complete *******
whats worse is, he's been so hurt that he told all his friends about how many partners i've had and he's told me that if/when i get a new partner he's gonna tell him how many partners i've had because he thinks that, "because you're a ***** you don't deserve love"
i've never felt so low at this time in my life, i've lost a guy who i wanted to spend the rest of my life with and now he thinks i'm a "*****", i am not a *****, i need someone to love and that person who i thought loved me now hates me all because i told the truth like he wanted me to

*hates self*
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Last edited by bfl; 12-20-2003 at 09:40 PM. Reason: please refrain from using inappropriate language on this board, but will allow the asterisks to remain due to the context in which it was used...

 
Old 12-19-2003, 07:41 PM   #5
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Re: i don't think my boyfriend likes me anymore

Hey. if he's gonna treat you that way. he doesn't deserve you. i'm not having 'sex' with my boyfriend. but he is the first to finger me or do oral on me and he is the first i have given a handjob or oral to. And it hurts me so much at times knowing he's done and had all this stuff done with 2 other girls. he is still a virgin though. I think your boyfriend just maybe got hurt. and didnt know how to handle it. and just decided avoidance and meanness was his way to deal with it. but you don't deserve that. you need to find someone better than him. who loves you know matter what. god knows how hard it is for me to love my boyfriend at times knowing what all he's done, but i'm willing to accept it because he loves me and i love him. if your boys not willing to accept it. he's not good enough. end of story
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Old 12-19-2003, 08:17 PM   #6
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Re: i don't think my boyfriend likes me anymore

What a jerk! I'm actually glad he broke it off because you deserve MUCH better! Your honesty didn't run him off, dear...his own INSECURITY did! It will take some time but you will get over this.

This jerk oughta be slapped.
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Old 12-19-2003, 09:37 PM   #7
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Re: i don't think my boyfriend likes me anymore

Please don't let this loser tell you how you should feel about yourself. He obviously never cared about you and you're much better off knowing his true colors now. He has no right to judge you so harshly. He's a cruel, heartless judgmental creep and HE'S the one that doesn't deserve love. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone has things in their past they wish they hadn't done or that they're not particularly proud of. The only time a person needs to be so truly ashamed of their actions is when they deliberately hurt someone else. You didn't do that, he did. I know it's hard, but try forget about him. You deserve much better than him.

 
Old 12-21-2003, 10:43 AM   #8
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Re: i don't think my boyfriend likes me anymore

My fiance has only had three other partners besides me and I have had five besides him. I am twenty and he is nineteen. It makes me sick to think about him doing the things we do with other girls. But int he same respect it make me sick that I have dont things with other guys besides him. I would never leave him though because I honestly do love him. What I am trying to get at is that Jerk didnt love you he just wanted to add you to his list of girls and I am pretty sure if you were to asked some of his other girlfriends he probably broke up with them the same way!! he is insecure with hmself and you shouldnt hate you for it! There are a billion guys int his world and if you wait the right one will coem to you and you will be so happy!! Let him tell your next bf how many guys you have had! If your boyfriend cares about you he wont care and will just ignore him!! Try not to hate yourself you are seventeen go live your life have fun and when the right guy comes everything will be great!!

emtdollluvsjohn
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Old 12-21-2003, 08:43 PM   #9
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babii piink HB User
Re: i don't think my boyfriend likes me anymore

8 sex partners and your only 17? i'm a little bit uncomfortable with that.

 
Old 12-21-2003, 08:44 PM   #10
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Re: i don't think my boyfriend likes me anymore

Many men seem to have a complex when their girlfriends have had more sexual partners than they have. Your ex seems to be one of them. He is a loser and a jerk for going around telling people about your sexual past. You deserve so much better than that. It’s good that you’ve found out what kind of jerk he is now before you invested more time and effort into him.

Personally, I believe that if all people evolved are mature enough to handle the physical and emotional outcomes, then they should be able to sleep with whomever please whenever they please. Whether it is in a relationship or not, it’s a personal choice. Some people can handle a relationship like that at an early age and some never can. No matter what you chose in the future, remember to be safe. Also, you may want to have the “How many?” discussion before you get sexually involved with the guy. It is a good thing to know and will ween out the jerks.

No one has the right to judge you by how many sexual partners you’ve had. That is a choice that only you can make.
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Carrie, ~SATC~

Last edited by wondertwin44; 12-21-2003 at 08:59 PM.

 
Old 12-27-2003, 07:16 PM   #11
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Little flower Amy HB User
Re: i don't think my boyfriend likes me anymore

Quote:
Originally Posted by babii piink
8 sex partners and your only 17? i'm a little bit uncomfortable with that.
please don't feel "uncomfortable" because of the number of guys i've slept with. most of the guys i've been with were in a loving relationship and we were very careful inregard to using condoms, birth control pills etc, you have no reason to feel "uncomfortable", i don't feel "uncomfortable" with my past unlike my ex
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Old 12-28-2003, 12:21 AM   #12
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Re: i don't think my boyfriend likes me anymore

I want to talk about two things; firstly, I want to talk about your age and the number of sexual partners you've had, and I also want to talk about you and how you should feel about that.

To start, eight is a lot of sexual partners for the age of 17, and are YOU comfortable with that number? I mean, obviously you're not dating (or having sex with) any of these people now, so what went wrong? Where'd the mistake get made? My suspicion is something that I bet you won't want to think about, but something that I know I fell victim to when I was just a little bit younger than I am now -- I fell victim to this thought that in order to be loved, I have to 'put out', and that led to a couple of bad decisions that I regret muchly.

I've since put a lot of thought into what I want sex to mean, and have resolved to myself to not do such things until my relationship is strong enough to survive such a thing -- like for when I am in a relationship with somebody who accepts me for who I am, and accepts the things that I have done, and still respects me as a person.

The problem with that many sexual partners in that short a span of time is that it implies you don't have enough respect for yourself to be picky about it -- the implication is that you'll give yourself to whomever presents himself or herself to you, which may or may not be true. The repercussions of this is that people think that since you must not respect yourself, you must not deserve respect, which isn't true at all.

I also am wondering about your taste in / screening process for the people you date, because if you've managed to go through that many "very loving" relationships in that short a period of time, it arouses suspicions in me that not all of them were as loving as they should have been, and that they turned out after all to be guys like this one, who can't accept your decisions for what they are.

I would advise that next time you talk about having a decent relationship with somebody, you have the 'sex talk' before you actually get into bed with the guy. You need to know if he's the kind of person who will accept you for who you are, accept the decisions that you've made, so that he can respect you as a person instead of treating you like a piece of meat.

That bit hearkens back to that whole women-as-property thing, which just makes my blood boil.

All that lecturing aside, your sexual experience is not something that you should be ashamed of -- and it is not something you should lie about either. If you have to lie about your sexual past to keep somebody on good terms with you, they are not the person you should be dating. You should be open and vocal about the things you've done and why you did them, be open and vocal about how some of them were mistakes, and what you did wrong, and how you plan to fix it, and be honest about how you feel and how those situations made you feel -- you learn more about yourself through sexual experience than through any other, if only because it's one of the few interpersonal experiences that requires you to be deeply vulnerable, if only for a short period of time.

This is part of the reason why I personally have gotten into the habit of only entering in a 'relationship' per se with people who I know quite well -- friends who've a good idea about my sexual past, whose personalities I know quite well, who I know don't just eye me as an easy treat.

But don't feel like you shouldn't deserve love because of your bad decisions. If we didn't deserve love because of bad decisions, it would be a very unloving world indeed.

 
Old 12-28-2003, 09:05 AM   #13
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babii piink HB User
Re: i don't think my boyfriend likes me anymore

Quote:
Originally Posted by wrin
I want to talk about two things; firstly, I want to talk about your age and the number of sexual partners you've had, and I also want to talk about you and how you should feel about that.

To start, eight is a lot of sexual partners for the age of 17, and are YOU comfortable with that number? I mean, obviously you're not dating (or having sex with) any of these people now, so what went wrong? Where'd the mistake get made? My suspicion is something that I bet you won't want to think about, but something that I know I fell victim to when I was just a little bit younger than I am now -- I fell victim to this thought that in order to be loved, I have to 'put out', and that led to a couple of bad decisions that I regret muchly.

I've since put a lot of thought into what I want sex to mean, and have resolved to myself to not do such things until my relationship is strong enough to survive such a thing -- like for when I am in a relationship with somebody who accepts me for who I am, and accepts the things that I have done, and still respects me as a person.

The problem with that many sexual partners in that short a span of time is that it implies you don't have enough respect for yourself to be picky about it -- the implication is that you'll give yourself to whomever presents himself or herself to you, which may or may not be true. The repercussions of this is that people think that since you must not respect yourself, you must not deserve respect, which isn't true at all.

I also am wondering about your taste in / screening process for the people you date, because if you've managed to go through that many "very loving" relationships in that short a period of time, it arouses suspicions in me that not all of them were as loving as they should have been, and that they turned out after all to be guys like this one, who can't accept your decisions for what they are.

I would advise that next time you talk about having a decent relationship with somebody, you have the 'sex talk' before you actually get into bed with the guy. You need to know if he's the kind of person who will accept you for who you are, accept the decisions that you've made, so that he can respect you as a person instead of treating you like a piece of meat.

That bit hearkens back to that whole women-as-property thing, which just makes my blood boil.

All that lecturing aside, your sexual experience is not something that you should be ashamed of -- and it is not something you should lie about either. If you have to lie about your sexual past to keep somebody on good terms with you, they are not the person you should be dating. You should be open and vocal about the things you've done and why you did them, be open and vocal about how some of them were mistakes, and what you did wrong, and how you plan to fix it, and be honest about how you feel and how those situations made you feel -- you learn more about yourself through sexual experience than through any other, if only because it's one of the few interpersonal experiences that requires you to be deeply vulnerable, if only for a short period of time.

This is part of the reason why I personally have gotten into the habit of only entering in a 'relationship' per se with people who I know quite well -- friends who've a good idea about my sexual past, whose personalities I know quite well, who I know don't just eye me as an easy treat.

But don't feel like you shouldn't deserve love because of your bad decisions. If we didn't deserve love because of bad decisions, it would be a very unloving world indeed.

why are you emailing me with this humble bumble? your addressing it to the wrong person, im not the one whos slept with the 8 men. got that?

 
Old 12-28-2003, 03:07 PM   #14
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wrin HB User
Re: i don't think my boyfriend likes me anymore

Quote:
Originally Posted by babii piink
why are you emailing me with this humble bumble? your addressing it to the wrong person, im not the one whos slept with the 8 men. got that?
Pay attention, Babii Piink, you're not the thread starter, nor are you the one who I'm talking to.

Do you understand how the subscribe function works?

Last edited by Mod-S4; 12-28-2003 at 04:34 PM.

 
Old 12-29-2003, 03:58 PM   #15
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Re: i don't think my boyfriend likes me anymore

Apparently she doesn't.
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