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Old 03-05-2007, 06:18 PM   #1
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well this is incredably embarassing and disturbing

hi i'm sixteen and a few days ago i lost my virginity to my boyfriend who is twenty-four. i'm comfortable with him and he sincerely loves me and has never pressured me into anything so i'm confident with everything there, but losing my virginity still made me feel pretty depressed and emotions that i can't understand and little annoying things aren't helping.
we had sex again today... it's difficult for me to even talk about. and at one point he was doing a position where he was putting my legs up kindof and... oh god.. well there was this noise i made which was kindof like a farting noise but coming from there.
i was completely embarassed and ashamed and he said it was ok and all and that it happens because of the position but i need to know has that ever happened to anyone before?
because i like never fart or burp or anything in public so it really embarassed me and grossed me out... and i don't know how to avoid it.
and also as a p.s. if anyone knows who i can talk to, just online about what i'm feeling with losing it it would really help because i find it difficult to talk about it outloud and i don't really understand my own feelings.

 
Old 03-05-2007, 07:26 PM   #2
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Re: well this is incredably embarassing and disturbing

To answer your question about the noise... your boyfriend is right, it's completely normal and it does sometimes happen during sex. It's not a big deal and you shouldn't be embarrassed, nothing is wrong and I'm sure that almost everyone has experienced it at some point or another. It's basically air being forced into the vagina and then being pushed out by the motions of sex.

I just also wanted to add that if you're feeling depressed and upset after having sex, perhaps it's because you're not quite ready for it? I don't want to lecture about the age difference, but it is a fairly significant one and I know that I certainly wasn't ready to have sex at 16. I know everyone is different and perhaps you are ready but is it possible that maybe you rushed things a little bit and the reason that you're feeling depressed now is because you weren't ready for that step?

If I were you, I would hold off on having anymore sex with him until you can sort out how you're feeling and why you're feeling that way. Are you at least comfortable talking about sex with your boyfriend? I believe that until you can openly talk about it with your partner, you shouldn't be doing it.

People on these boards can offer you support and advice and everyone will listen, but I don't think we're allowed to post links or emails.

 
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Old 03-05-2007, 08:11 PM   #3
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Re: well this is incredably embarassing and disturbing

thank you so much for the response
well i definately don't feel lectured because i've been considering that that's the explaination to the way i feel. i mean i knew this was the person i was going to do it with and i love him and i'm comfortable and confident but i think it was just early for me personally.
i have no idea how to say no now with out offending him though because i felt more ready for it before than i do now which makes no sense. and like we've discussed it a lot but i can't explain a lot of my emotions and i told him i wasn't mad at him and i wasn't acting cold but i was quiet a bit afterwards and then he was depressed because he felt horrible for making me feel sad if that's how i feel. i think i'm just overwelmed and scared and i need to relax with my thoughts alone a bit.
but if he finds out again that i'm down he's going to blame himself and instead of me worrying about me for once which i kind of deserve i'm going to be worried about upsetting him and its a vicious cycle.
i just feel like i'm in a dream/daze right now and when it sinks in that this is all real it really overwelms me.
but thank you so much for the advice and i'll try to feel less embarassed.

 
Old 03-05-2007, 10:21 PM   #4
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Re: well this is incredably embarassing and disturbing

I think that if you think that it could have been too early and that you weren't quite ready, then that's probably exactly why you're feeling depressed and upset. Add on top of that that you're worried about your boyfriend worrying about you and I can totally see what you mean about the vicious cycle.

My boyfriend and I waited for almost 8 months to have sex after we started dating and we both kind of went back and forth about deciding when to do it. There have been a couple of things that I have done with him feeling as though I was ready and like it was a good time and then found out afterwards that it was a little bit too fast and I wasn't as ready as I believed. I, like you, worried that he would blame himself and feel like it was his fault and felt the whole vicious cycle thing, but I knew that I still had to speak up because I knew that I would only end up feeling worse about it and that in turn would make him feel worse about it.

Even though you love him and he loves you and you know that he's the one that you want to do it with, it's still okay that you weren't quite ready. And because that's how you feel about it, you don't have to feel like you did it with the wrong person, which is wonderful. I think you need to just explain to him that you don't regret the fact that you did it, and especially not the fact that it was with him, but you're realizing now that you're not ready like you thought you were and you want to slow things down a little bit. The truth is that if he loves you like you say that he does, he will absolutely respect that and won't have the slightest problem with it. He may feel a little bit guilty or upset or responsible, but if you tell him in a way that makes him feel like you really were sure that you were ready when you did it, he should hopefully understand.

Please do tell him how you're feeling though. If you continue to have sex with him feeling the way that you feel, you're going to get more depressed and upset and it will come out eventually. And even if it never comes out, it could cause huge problems and potentially ruin your relationship in other ways (you being upset or moody all the time). Imagine how much more guilty he would feel if you said nothing at all and continued to have sex and he found out later that you realized that you weren't ready.

 
Old 03-05-2007, 11:14 PM   #5
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Re: well this is incredably embarassing and disturbing

oh my god you can't imagine how much help this is, i'm really grateful of the perks of technology and the world wide web to this day.

i've been thinking a lot about this as well, and i'm ok with admitting that i probably wasn't ready because if i deny that idea to myself then there's no way i can move on. but i'm feeling a bit better right now it's just an emotional time for me obviously.

i talked to him about it for a few hours tonight and just told him how i'm feeling and he said that if i don't want to do it i definately don't have to so he'd never pressure me into anything. he asked me at one point if this is going to change our relationship and everything and i don't feel like i'm afraid about that i just told him honestly that i need to take it slowly physically because i hadn't recovered from the first time emotionally and it was even more frightening doing it again.

he knows as well what i went through... well i wasn't raped but i was abused in situations that were partially my own fault and i've blamed myself for things but also that's made me have this whole problem of like those people in my life before that treated me horribly and ended up getting what they wanted even though i said no, it just doesn't make sense to now say no to someone who cares about me more than anyone in the world. i know i have to recover sooner or later and start speaking up about my comfort levels or i'll start resenting my boyfriend and i know he can't read my mind either but i feel better now that i found out everything seems more or less normal from other peoples' points of views and now that i talked to him i'm a bit calmer too.

oh and i know i don't have typing skills. but again thank you so much for taking time out of your life to advise a complete stranger on the internet. it means a lot to me.

 
Old 03-06-2007, 01:23 PM   #6
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Re: well this is incredably embarassing and disturbing

It's so awesome that you're admitting to yourself that you weren't quite ready and that you talked to your boyfriend about it. You're very lucky to have a boyfriend who is so understanding and respectful of you and your feelings.

You said that there are things in your past that you blame yourself for. I just wanted to say that you shouldn't be blaming yourself for anything. Everyone makes mistakes and I'm so sorry that you were taken advantage of but you shouldn't blame yourself for that. It's so great that you're speaking up with your boyfriend now and that you recognize that you need to be honest about how you feel with him for the sake of your relationship. It sounds like you're so mature.

 
Old 03-06-2007, 01:48 PM   #7
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Re: well this is incredably embarassing and disturbing

oh well thank you for such nice words. i'm feeling better today already. i'm ok with admitting this because otherwise its very hard for me to cope and maybe learn how to better understand when i'm comfortable and when i'm not. clearly when i'm feeling emotions i can't explain there's a possibility that i just don't want to explain them but i am ok with the idea that i was not entirely ready because this way i can start thinking about what to do in order to let myself feel more comfortable for the time being.

he's been feeling horrible about this and he did offer time and space for me if i needed it even though i know its very hard for him but i do feel better when i'm with him right now. i just told him that i have to be very careful from now on with my comfort level about it so i need to take it slow and just slowly ease into getting used to everything.

but then i was thinking all of today like i've started to feel really badly for making this seem so negative. because i think it's supposed to be a happy time for the both of us and i definately don't want to make bad memories or make the both of us scared about it. do you think i'm just being a bad person for making this so negative on us? because i am very emotional and my boyfriend knows that but i don't want to get caught up in obsessing about this especially when i am happy with the relationship and this is the person i wanted to do this with. i just don't know if i'm being a horrible little emotional girl or if it's normal to just feel kind of weird getting used to all this...

 
Old 03-06-2007, 05:22 PM   #8
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Re: well this is incredably embarassing and disturbing

I don't think you're a bad person for feeling or reacting the way that you have at all. I think that most women in your position would be feeling and reacting in a similar way. In fact, I think that you're handling it in a way that is a lot more mature and just better than most other women would.

I do think that what you said about it being a happy time is right. I think that you've realized that you need to take a break from having sex and slow things down a little bit and it was an emotionally difficult thing to decide and follow through with and that now you can move on from that. You are very lucky to have the boyfriend that you have who cares about you as he does and since you know that, you can start to focus on the good things in your relationship again. Sex is supposed to be fun and loving and an amazing way to bond with the person that you love when you're ready and that's exactly what it will be for you and your boyfriend, just not right now.

You're not being a horrible emotional little girl in the least. Everything that you've experienced emotionally over the past couple days is completely normal given the circumstances and you've handled it in a way that shows maturity. Even though you made a decision that you weren't quite ready for, you're smart enough and mature enough to recognize that and to correct it. Don't be too hard on yourself. You don't need to regret what happened and I think it's important that you let your boyfriend know that you don't.

One more thing... everyone always says that sex changes a relationship. This is often taken in a negative way and I used to always believe that once my boyfriend and I had sex, bad things would start to happen in our relationship. I think that you should look at it in a good way. Sex may change your relationship a little bit, but perhaps it will be in a positive way because now your boyfriend knows that you're comfortable speaking up when you feel that something isn't right and you know that you have the courage to speak up too.

 
Old 03-07-2007, 02:04 PM   #9
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Re: well this is incredably embarassing and disturbing

the noise happens to me just about everytime i have sex. Like when i go to raise up a fart sound comes out! It isnt anything you can help so just ignore it. Dont worry!!

 
Old 03-07-2007, 03:26 PM   #10
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Re: well this is incredably embarassing and disturbing

Hi, I feel for you because that happened to me, i had sex when i was not ready, 16, and then was put off it for another 2 years, at which stage I felt ready and enjoyed sex a lot more, looking back, I was not ready.
As for the noises, I am older now and they do happen to everyone, the woman always feels to blame but it is actually the man forcing air in during intercourse that makes the noises as the air has to come back out!
There are certain positions that make this worse, so you could try and avoid some that make it worse (such as legs above head etc).
Also I just laugh when it happens, which diffuses the awkwardness a bit!
Good luck for future with your boyfriend etc

 
Old 03-07-2007, 07:57 PM   #11
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Re: well this is incredably embarassing and disturbing

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lexiii View Post
As for the noises, I am older now and they do happen to everyone, the woman always feels to blame but it is actually the man forcing air in during intercourse that makes the noises as the air has to come back out! There are certain positions that make this worse, so you could try and avoid some that make it worse (such as legs above head etc).
Also I just laugh when it happens, which diffuses the awkwardness a bit!
Good luck for future with your boyfriend etc
Exactly! It is very normal for that sound to happen when the air escapes from your vagina during sex.

 
Old 03-08-2007, 11:15 PM   #12
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Re: well this is incredably embarassing and disturbing

wow thank you guys you're all extremely helpful

well now that the raw pain of embarassment has worn off i feel better
i guess now it seems normal but when this just happened i was really surprised and i didn't know that it could happen.

anyways i do feel a lot better about everything, i realized what it was that was making me feel sort of depressed was that in this situation i'm not experienced so for some reason (from no fault of my boyfriend's because he isn't forcing me into this) i felt very vulnerable. and i've become a much stronger person after my unfortunate experiences before but feeling vulnerable in this situation just brought flashbacks of helplessness and vulnerability from the past.

but i think i should let myself do only what i'm very comfortable with and i'll be ok. i just want to mention again a huge thank you to every single person that responded to this because its unbelievably helpful and i can't exactly talk about this stuff to my friends. for both the emotional aspects and the little physical mishaps. thank you

 
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