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Old 05-21-2008, 05:05 PM   #1
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I made a big BIG mistake.

I think this belongs here. While I am 21 my girlfriend is 19, so I guess she technically still is a teen.

So today I met my gf to go see a movie. Since the theater was nearly empty, towards the end of the film me and her got a little touchy with each other. After the movie we moved to the back seat of her car and got even more touchy.

Basically her hands were in my pants and I got caught up in the moment. I asked her to go down even though I knew she didn't want to the last time we were like this. I wasn't thinking at all. Honestly, I wasn't myself and would never push anything on her. So after the first time I asked, she kinda brushed it off. Then again in my infinite stupidity I asked again a few minutes later. In my defense, it wasn't like "suck it now" or "I want you to suck it". I said something like "would you want to maybe try to go down again"? Thats when it all went down hill.

She got out of the back seat, got into the drivers seat, and told me to get out of the car. I tried apologizing but she just wanted me gone. So I left and went home. Basically screwing up what was otherwise a fun time.

Now usually when she's upset with me she won't call me or talk to me for a day. This time she actually called me. She called me a few minutes ago and told me to never talk to her call her or message her ever again. I tried talking to her but she basically said she doesn't want to hear any apologies. She said she's sure I'm sorry and wish I never did it, but it told her a lot about my personality, which apparently wasn't what she thought it was. I guess after asking her to go down twice more after she said no a few weeks ago told her that I don't have any respect for her and I'm disgusting. The last thing she told me was "I hope you can find a girlfriend that will make you happy and suck your dick".

That really wasn't me, I got caught up in the moment and wasn't thinking straight. I've tried telling her that but she didn't seem to believe me. She's wanted to break up with me in the past, but for completely unrelated reasons. I've never disrespected this girl or any girl, and think the world of her. Did I really screw up that badly by making a request in the heat of the moment? Is this girl just over reacting? I completely understand that she has every right to be upset with me, but to want to break up with me. Was what I asked really that horrible? That last thing she said to me makes me feel like I'm some numb skull guy that just wants to get in a girls pants then leave them. I'm far from that, I'm the nice guy, I'm the one that never gets the girl.

I really care about this girl, and I don't want to loose her. Especially not because of this reason, not like this. What can I do? What should I do? I'm sick to my stomach and feel like ******. Please help me.

Last edited by Giant_Squid; 05-21-2008 at 05:07 PM.

 
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Old 05-21-2008, 06:17 PM   #2
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Re: I made a big BIG mistake.

I think you underestimated how deeply she feels about the subject.
To be fair to you, she may have understated her feelings about it.
While I don't think yours was one of the finer moments for mankind, I also don't think it was that far out of line...pretty typical, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't say things like that myself. What I think is happening, is basic miscommunication, with some real incompatibility. You may have to face the fact that you're not really right for each other...that it's neither's fault, but it's just not the right thing for either of you. Don't beat yourself up, and don't try getting her back. She's made that plain. Just live and learn, and grow from the experience. Best of luck with it all.

 
Old 05-21-2008, 07:04 PM   #3
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Re: Is it wrong to end a relationship because of a single remark?

I don't know exactly how old you are, but judging from the fact that you posted in the "teen" forum, I can assume you are fairly young. So, taking that into consideration, here's my opinion...

At your age, talking about sex isn't easy. If your gf went down on you before and didn't like it (which by the way, how do you know she didn't?), why would you ask her to do it again. The fact that she ignored you the first time should have been your signal that she was not interested in doing it. When you asked her a second time, despite being "polite" about it, you were being pushy. She heard you the first time and chose to ignore you, obviously because she didn't want to do it. So when you asked the second time, it's like you weren't just letting it go and accepting that she didn't want to do it. I don't know the whole story, but it seems to me that she feels a whole lot more pressure from you to do it than you are letting on in your post.

Regardless of that, she is obviously not ready, so you need to respect that. You need to quit asking, and if you do ever get her back, let her know that you will back off, but if/when she decides she wants to, she can go ahead, but you will not mention it again.

The only suggestion I have for you is to try and explain your situation and point of view. Explain to her that you aren't just trying to get in her pants and apologize for making her feel that way and for making her uncomfortable by asking.

 
Old 05-21-2008, 09:51 PM   #4
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Re: Is it wrong to end a relationship because of a single remark?

I only wish I had been as assertive when I was a teenager as I am now. Your post put me right back into situations with boys where I would be pressed into doing stuff I wasn't comfortable with, but too afraid of being dumped to refuse. I feel her anger, and if you do get back with her, heed the warning you have been given. Ask ONCE, and accept the answer (or non-answer - it still meant "no") and then let it be. If you really care about her, then let her come to stuff in her own time and respect her wishes a little more. Sorry to be a bit blunt, but I really feel where she is coming from. Sera

 
Old 05-21-2008, 11:08 PM   #5
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Re: I made a big BIG mistake.

I just got done talking to a friend about this, and he told me that she's probably wanting me to call her back and keep apologizing (even though she told me not to). And she's upset right now, and doesn't really want to break up. I can see where this holds some truth. In the past she's said she wants to end it, but ends up calling me the next day like nothing happened. I talked to her about these moments a few days ago and she said its when she gets upset, she just wants to end everything and doesn't want to deal with it. When in reality she just needs time to cool off. (Her words, not mine).

I mean, if she really didn't want to talk to me ever again, how come she called me before she ever got home, then talked to me on the internet twice (signed on, talked, signed off, signed on, talked some more, signed off).

I just can't see how this could end for this reason. I'm almost positive this girl loves me (she's never said it, but I can tell). And I've even been thinking for a while that I love her. Not sure how our relationship sound to other people, but we really do get along very well.

 
Old 05-21-2008, 11:22 PM   #6
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Re: Is it wrong to end a relationship because of a single remark?

I'm actually not a teen. I'm 21, she's 19, I put it in the teen sexual forum because technically she is still a teenage. Maybe I was being too literal with the word nineteen. She's actually had more experience with all of it than I have.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mary83
If your gf went down on you before and didn't like it (which by the way, how do you know she didn't?), why would you ask her to do it again
I don't know that she didn't like it. The first time she just said she had trouble with it because of bad gag reflexes. She said herself thats she's willing to do it. As to why I would ask her again, I really don't know. The first time I asked today I was thinking, "OK maybe she'll be willing to give it another go, she never did say she never wanted to do it again". Her exact response to the first time asking was "you killed it, you killed the mood" in a cute way. As if it didn't really bother her that much.

Then a few minutes later was when I honestly did make a mistake that I realize and feel terrible for. I just had no idea that it really bothered her that much. I never knew that she felt pressured to do it despite me asking as politely as possible. I even told her before we ever got touchy the first time to not be afraid to tell me no. If she doesn't want to do something, to please let me know. I won't take offense to it. I would never want to force her to do something she didn't want to.

 
Old 05-21-2008, 11:32 PM   #7
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Re: Is it wrong to end a relationship because of a single remark?

The fact is that some people have specific ideas of what is acceptable during intimacy and some people are OK with anything. She may be one of the people who think there is something inherently wrong or deviant about it. I know it sounds old fashioned, but some girls just are.

I know you may not feel the same way about it, but she is entitled to feel how she feels. The first time might have been out of the fear she might lose you if she didn't. She probably felt very pressured even though you were trying to be polite.

You have to decide if the two of you are compatible. Could you date a girl who didn't like oral sex? If so, call her and apologize and let her know you were confused and it won't happen again. If you decide you would rather date someone who is more open, apologize anyway and move on. I'm sure she would have more respect for you, either way.

Best of luck.

 
Old 05-22-2008, 05:08 AM   #8
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Re: Is it wrong to end a relationship because of a single remark?

You say she has more "experience" than you. Could it be that she felt pressured by those in her past and your bringing up again made her feel that way again?

I too understand where she is coming from. Bad experiences with "oral sex" led me not to want to do it all for a long time. It really can only take one bad partner to "ruin it". Like cmpgirl asked, could you be with a girl who won't do it? If not, then you two may just not be compatible.

I'm not blaming you for how she feels. I can understand getting caught up in the moment. But you need to watch for her verbal and nonverbal cues as to what she is comfortable with. Her silence really said a lot, but sometimes it takes a little bit more experience to realize that.

Perhaps you should try giving him some space to think about things. Let her come to you. If she does then talk to her about this, even if it is a bit uncomfortable. If she doesn't, then respect her wishes and move on.

 
Old 05-22-2008, 05:48 AM   #9
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Re: Is it wrong to end a relationship because of a single remark?

Tell her that you promise to never bring it up again and maybe she will forgive you.

Have you gone down on her? If not, maybe she feels like you want it but aren't willing to reciprocate.

 
Old 05-22-2008, 06:32 AM   #10
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Re: Is it wrong to end a relationship because of a single remark?

I don't think it's based on a remark. For some reason she doesn't feel respected it seems....do you offer to go down on her and does she like it or even let you?

 
Old 05-22-2008, 06:33 AM   #11
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Re: Is it wrong to end a relationship because of a single remark?

Quote:
Originally Posted by happymom
You say she has more "experience" than you. Could it be that she felt pressured by those in her past and your bringing up again made her feel that way again?
She had mentioned to me before we ever started dating that her last boyfriend was really physical. Like he would ask her to do things that she never wanted to do, and the only reason she did them was because she felt pressured. She told me that I'm pretty much the same jerk he was.
Quote:
I too understand where she is coming from. Bad experiences with "oral sex" led me not to want to do it all for a long time. It really can only take one bad partner to "ruin it". Like cmpgirl asked, could you be with a girl who won't do it? If not, then you two may just not be compatible.
I have no problem being with someone that won't give oral. Even though I'm 21 I haven't had a lot of experience with relationships or even girls for that matter. My last girlfriend was when I was 17, and that relationship didn't get very sexual at all.
Quote:
Originally Posted by trystme
Tell her that you promise to never bring it up again and maybe she will forgive you.
I've apologized so many times, but she kept telling me she doesn't want to hear it. I don't know if that was because she was just really angry and upset at the time or what. I would like to think she still likes me, she still wants to talk to me. Otherwise, why else would she call me, and then talk to me on the internet twice more? All I want her to do is to sit down, and talk about this, let me explain myself, and let her explain her feelings. Thats one thing we haven't done enough of in this relationship, I'm just afraid that she's not going to want to do that.

 
Old 05-22-2008, 06:39 AM   #12
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Re: I made a big BIG mistake.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Giant_Squid View Post
I just can't see how this could end for this reason. I'm almost positive this girl loves me (she's never said it, but I can tell). And I've even been thinking for a while that I love her. Not sure how our relationship sound to other people, but we really do get along very well.
Okay see right there is a part of the problem in my eyes. You guys don't even know for sure if you love eachother and you're already fighting about something this important and this big. Sexual actions are big. I think you need to check eachothers feelings at the door. You were both wrong in this situation. I can relate to a boyfriend bugging me about oral sex and me not wanting to. There is always a curiousity if i might give in, thats why he keeps asking. You may not realize it but you could of been doing this too. Men like sex, they are suppose to mate with a female. You can't control your cravings when you feel strongly for someone. On the other hand, i mean how would you feel if someone was pressuring you to do something you don't want to do? It's not fun, and sometimes can be quite embarassing. Now onto her. She is probably embarassed. I know how that feels. You think the man is going to judge you if you do it "wrong" or not good enough for him. We are only human and thats how we think. No does mean no though and if you think she has doubts you probably shouldn't of even asked and probably should of waited for a better time to bring up the subject again. EX: When you not even messing around. To me though, her wanting you to get away from her like that, and not even wanting to talk about the problem is a PROBLEM. She sounds like someone who needs alot of attention. She isn't going to get anywhere in a relationship not communicating or dealing with the issues that arise. Thats partly what a relationship is, its not always lovey dovey and happy. She needs to realize that. You made a mistake and you know this. A MISTAKE. Therefore; it should be talked about and a compromise should take place if you really feel you might love eachother. That's what love is too. I hate to tell you this but the previous poster is right. You and her may not be right for eachother and might be looking for other things in life. If she decides she wants to get back together I think this is something you two might need to talk about. I don't know if you guys have had sex yet together, but thats a big thing in a relationship. Tons of things go wrong and right. If she can't handle what happened here and talk it out, sex is going to freak her out beyond means. Besides i know how it feels when you say one thing the other person doesn't like, it happens more and more and you start to feel you have NO idea what to say thats going to not make the other person mad. That's not right. You shouldn't also have to guess what was going through her mind just because she can't deal with her problems. You don't seem like a person who deserve that. I really think you two need a talk and find out where your at. Good luck my friend.
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Last edited by Longview; 05-22-2008 at 06:42 AM.

 
Old 05-22-2008, 06:44 AM   #13
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Re: Is it wrong to end a relationship because of a single remark?

ok so you guys have trouble communicating.....that's where you need to start.....

 
Old 05-22-2008, 07:19 AM   #14
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Re: Is it wrong to end a relationship because of a single remark?

ok, thought i'd give my two cents. My last ex was the first guy i ever went down on properly. i just didn't like the idea of it..the more he asked the more i simply did not want to do it,he didn't ask often, but still.i told him if he keeps asking he's not going to get it.. he got the hint and stoped asking, then i started doing. Ended up quite liking it. he said that he noticed that if he asked for it i was much less likely to do it and the mood would just be killed and that more often than not i'd just end up doing it if he didn't ask.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Giant_Squid View Post
Does asking this question really warrant a break up? Was what I asked really make me seem like such a numb skull? I can understand that she has every right to be upset, but is it really reasonable of her to suddenly think I'm a different person because of a question I asked? Does this happen often to a lot of people?
No i don't think this question warrants a break up..it warrents a talk and opening communication and you taking the non verbal que's she gives you. However you didn't ask once and take the silence as a hint you kept going.

So my adivce learn from this. Don't ask her to do it again. you know that she does do it so let her do it in her time. it will be worth it.. give her a lil space, cos she's upset and angry now, then talk to her.
Good luck
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Old 05-22-2008, 08:24 AM   #15
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Re: Is it wrong to end a relationship because of a single remark?

Sounds to me as if she thinks the act is perverted and is sickened that anyone would be such a horrible person to ever want such a thing. She's very immature and naive about sex and has a whole lot of growing up to do! I think that you are probably too far apart on the sexuality scale to be compatible. JM2¢
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