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Old 08-03-2012, 10:14 AM   #1
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Exclamation Too tight for sex - STILL!!!

I'm 17 and my boyfriend is 19. We've been dating for almost 4 years now, and decided about a year ago that we wanted to try having sex. For a while we did it with our clothes on to get over the idea of it, then we started sleeping with our clothes off and just messing around, then he started fingering me, then we tried. Our first problem was that he couldn't get an erection at all or for long enough, and now that that's almost dealt with, we have the problem of him not being able to get in. We've tried more times than I care to count and it's really getting both of us aggrivated.
I figured that it was now because I was too tight, so one of my friends bought me a dil-do yesterday to try and widen my vagina (She bought me some lubricant as well). I tried inserting that into my vagina this morning, but it hurt enormously. It felt like the inside of my vagina was burning and I only managed to get it in about 10cm before it was too painful to continue.
I really don't know what to do. I think that continuing to try with the dil-do will be counter-productive because it would only make me more nervous about trying in reality.
In addition to all of this - and something which may help your advice - I was abused as a child. First my dad (Nothing sexual, just hitting usually - ca.3-6 years old), then my step-sister (Her going on top of me, both naked. I can't remember if there was any fingering - ca.8-12 years old), then my cousin (He would put his hand down my trousers and finger me, but nothing more - ca.10-12 years old), and then my step-dad (He was usually just physically abusive, but he tried to rape me once when I was ca. 15/16), and I haven't had any councelling about these, but I haven't felt that I needed any before.
I could do with ANY help you can give me, preferably not including therapy. Thanks very much.

Last edited by bnice; 08-03-2012 at 02:01 PM. Reason: They edited out a word...

 
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Old 08-04-2012, 01:29 AM   #2
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Re: Too tight for sex - STILL!!!

I am sorry about the abuse you've been through. It sounds like you just aren't comfortable with your body yet and may need to wait a little while. As you stress your body, the muscles around your vagina may be contracting on purpose, preventing you from having sex. While you may be ready physically, it sounds like you aren't quite psychologically.

If you really feel as if you can handle a physical relationship, I suggest you try a much smaller ***** first and work your way up. Also, I suggest for fingering that you have your boyfriend or yourself try one finger, then two and try to reach about three. Hopefully this all make you comfortable for the real thing when it comes.

I am not trying to disuade you from sex since I try to give advice from a neutral view. I am simply saying it sounds like your vagina contracts as you try, thus causing more pain than it usually does when a woman first tries to have sex. Realize though that most women's first times are painful and it will take time for the vagina to grow accustomed to sex.

 
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Old 08-04-2012, 03:59 AM   #3
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I think you may have a point. Although I really do want to have sex, I still get very nervous about him touching my vagina, so I think I may not be psychologically ready.
My friend said that she did get the smallest one in the shop - and it was a shop specifically for sex things.

My friend said last night that the muscles down there are only properly relaxed when you feel aroused and that watching porn (Which I'm not happy to do) or reading erotic novels may help and make the muscles down there widen. Is that true, or can just using loads of lubricant be as effective?
Also, she said that the hymen can't break without having sex properly. Is that true? I've always been told that it can break other ways (Like doing loads of horse-riding, etc)... And if it isn't true, how can you tell whether it is already broken or not?

I'm also on the pill due to getting really bad period pains, but I can't see how that would affect anything...

Last edited by Administrator; 08-04-2012 at 10:12 AM.

 
Old 08-04-2012, 06:22 AM   #4
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Re: Too tight for sex - STILL!!!

The hymen can break from riding, bicycling, gymnastics, fingering or just about anything you can think of which will shake, push, mold or in any way disturb the area. Some hymens are very thin and fragile, others are thick and hard to break.

You should use a lot of water based lubricant when fingering or using a sex toy. You should probably use more than people usually would, because you have so much pain. Try to get something made out of silicone or "silikone", since a lot of rubber and jelly toys contain dangerous chemicals. They're a bit more expensive but your health is worth it.

A better solution might be to use your clean and trimmed fingers. That way you have much more feeling with what you're doing and it's easier not hurting yourself by accident.

If you want to examine your hymen, there is only one way and that's to take a look. Either have a look yourself or let a trained professional do it. You can use a mirror or take some pictures with a digital camera that has macro function. Remember to erase afterwards if it's not your own

The pill shouldn't have an effect, as far as I know, but since it does affect your hormonal balance it's possible you're experiencing something, even if it is unlikely.

Last edited by Administrator; 08-04-2012 at 10:14 AM.

 
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Old 08-04-2012, 06:55 AM   #5
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Re: Too tight for sex - STILL!!!

I thought the hymen could be broken like that.
The lubricant my friend got me is very runny and it was the cheapest in the shop. I used quite a lot of it when I tried with the dil-do, but it didn't seem to make that much difference, so I'm not sure if I did something wrong. Am I supposed to put it on the dil-do or on me?

Ihe one my friend got me was a rubber one (Not a vibrator) and I found that it caused quite a lot of friction. Could that be partially adding to the problems? I did have a quick look on the web before asking my friend, but I couldn't find any.

I will try having a look for myself. I would rather not go to my family doctor because he isn't one for privacy (He'd probably speak to my mum about it next time she saw him), and I've always found him a bit unnerving anyway. As well as that, my mum would want a good reason for me to go and see him and I'm not comfortable discussing this sort of stuff with her.
I understand that trying with my fingers could be better and more effective than using a dil-do or anything else, but I am not entirely comfortable with touching myself down there. For example, I don't maturbate because I feel that satisfying myself like that would be wrong and disgusting.
Thank you for confirming about the pill. I thought it wouldn't have an effect, but I figured that if it affects the hormones, maybe it could have an effect on muscles down there tightening or something.

Last edited by Administrator; 08-04-2012 at 10:15 AM. Reason: Do not post commercial web sites. Thanks.

 
Old 08-04-2012, 07:10 AM   #6
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Re: Too tight for sex - STILL!!!

The thickness of the lubrication shouldn't be too important. You can add some to both the entrance and toy to help things along. As long as it feels very slippery, it should be fine.

My advice would be to just get it over with. My experiences with being a girl's first has shown that simply putting it all in, despite the jolt of pain, and having regular intercourse afterwards is a lot better than going slowly and prolonging the pain and suffering.
Of course it's important that both agree to do it like that, but afterwards there is no chickening out. The first few intercourses afterwards might be painful, but should be much less.
It's a lot easier to do when someone else is there to either do it with a real penis or using a toy, than it is to do yourself. The most important thing is to be well lubricated and even though you want to penetrate there is no reason to go very deep. You don't want to accidentally push on your cervix as that might hurt. You'll find out later whether that is something you enjoy or dislike.

You should probably not use a toy that is TOO small, because it might not rupture the hymen properly. Sometimes you can actually fit a finger or thin object through the hymen and you'll end up irritating it and making it painful more than actually breaking it and getting it over with.

Last edited by Administrator; 08-04-2012 at 10:07 AM.

 
Old 08-04-2012, 07:17 AM   #7
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Re: Too tight for sex - STILL!!!

Thank you very much. I think your advice will be very useful. I will discuss it with my boyfriend next time I get the chance and see what he says.
He is away at the moment, though, so we can't try to have sex again any time soon
Thank you all very much for your advice. Every reply has been helpful.
If I still have problems in future, I will post again, and if anyone else has any more advice to give me, I would be very interested to hear it.

Last edited by Administrator; 08-04-2012 at 10:09 AM.

 
Old 08-06-2012, 12:48 PM   #8
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Re: Too tight for sex - STILL!!!

The lubrication should be put on the dil-do just like a man would put it on his penis before going into the girl. Also, lubrication can't help with you opening up. It only helps the penis slide in if you're not wet enough. Not being wet enough and vaginal muscles being so tense are two totally different things.

You being on birth control has nothing to do with your problem.

It sounds to me it has to do with the sexual abuse you have faced. At the time you felt you didn't need help for the things that happened to you but now that you're older, you might be seeing things in a different light. I can say go to therapy but you said you preferred not having that as advice.

I've gone through what you've gone through and I can say firsthand that yes, it can definitely effect you sexually. I can't say what you can do about it other than be a little more relaxed and maybe if he takes his time. Otherwise you may have to put it on hold until you are psychologically ready.
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Last edited by Chrissy26; 08-06-2012 at 12:49 PM.

 
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Old 08-06-2012, 02:08 PM   #9
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Re: Too tight for sex - STILL!!!

Thanks, Chrissy. Although the men have been very helpful in this post, it is nice to have a woman's experience as well

 
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general health, mental health, sex problems, sexual abuse, teenage behaviors



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