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Old 03-29-2004, 03:59 PM   #1
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lack of sex is making me depressed

Dear Friends,

I need some help and support. My husband is sexually disfunctional and the lack of sex is wearing on my emotional being.

Sincerely,
Bastila

 
Old 03-29-2004, 08:23 PM   #2
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hb2002 HB User
Re: lack of sex is making me depressed

Sexually disfunctional as in he is unable to acheive an erection? Or sexually disfunctional meaning emotionally he is unable to have sex? I'm not exactly sure what you are asking for when you say you need some help. Advice? Ideas?

What is your relationship like aside from this? Are you wanting to stay in your marriage. Are you debating whether to have an affair? If the dysfunction is strictly the inability to acheive erection, is he willing/able to please you in other ways. If so, would this be acceptable to you?



Quote:
Originally Posted by bastila
Dear Friends,

I need some help and support. My husband is sexually disfunctional and the lack of sex is wearing on my emotional being.

Sincerely,
Bastila

 
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Old 03-29-2004, 09:31 PM   #3
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Re: lack of sex is making me depressed

Quote:
Originally Posted by bastila
Dear Friends,

I need some help and support. My husband is sexually disfunctional and the lack of sex is wearing on my emotional being.

Sincerely,
Bastila

Hi Bastila,

I can completely understand your situation.....I'm in the same boat, mine is physically unable due to several health problems, he's just 50...I'm 37. I get no hugs, no kisses, no nothing, h'es totally shut down and sucidial almost. Ours is a long story, if he GETS out of bed he works a puzzle book and doesn't even speak to me AT ALL....he's in tremendous pain from his back..needing surgery and having to await workers comp approval. We've been thru nine kinds of hell, and it still continues...I live in my head mostly anymore...I want to be good....but I'm getting so lonely I could curl up and die...I usually cry my eyes out everynight after he's gone to bed. We used to have a great sex life, he used to have alot...but a work injury stole everything.....absolutely everything.....it's beyond awful.....I know what you feel....share with us more of your situation....we're here for you.....

((((((HUGS)))))))))

 
Old 03-30-2004, 01:56 PM   #4
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Re: lack of sex is making me depressed

Dear Friends,

My husband's sexual disfunction is physical and emotionally based. We have been to a urologist. The urologist told my husband that the valve that keeps the blood from flowing out of an erection is not functioning properly. Surgery is 50/50. He has oped not to have surgery and i do not blame him.
My husband has trouble maintaining a firm erection and he struggles to keep from coming too soon. We have been married three years. I am a very sexual being and not being able to express my love and have a level of itimancy with my husband is beyond the word frustrating. The lack of sex is making me depressed and it is difficult to see life as interesting. I am not energized.
My husband and I are christians. We have talked about how he was raised and how his belief system may be having an affect on his views of sex. We have tried various methods and medications and herbals with little sucesses. (and prayer) There was not abuse. Also his family did not talk about sex while my family was open about talking about it. My mum made sure we were informed about body functions and the birds and the bees.
I am generally of an optimistic nature but from what I have researched there is slim hopes of our sexual relationship improving. We have tried other levels of intamcy... but they are not as satifying as the real thing.
Over all we have a pleasent relationship. We enjoy each others company and share views and our hobbies. While we do not participate in each others hobbies we do listen to each others interest. I enjoying watercolor painting and he is an excellent art critic . We have started cooking breakfast together on the weekends and then we putter about town together.
I think as much as any i would like to have friends to talk to and share my frustrations... and i do have hopes of perhaps finding a cause and cure for the emotional aspect of his sexual problems.
Thank you so much for your relplies.
Sincerely, Bastila

 
Old 03-30-2004, 02:01 PM   #5
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Re: lack of sex is making me depressed

Dear Hugs, I feel for you. It is so hard to live inside yourself...when you know the sex can be wonderful. Everything hurts when you want to feel and see what comes from the afterglow. My head hurts and my body longs to feel the velvetness that holds the stars in the night sky. Sincerely, Bastila

 
Old 03-30-2004, 02:55 PM   #6
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Re: lack of sex is making me depressed

You described your marriage as "pleasant", which in itself seemed to be an interesting choice of words.

Do you think your marriage will be able to survive this? Do you want it to? Does your husband know how you are feeling?

I too am an extremely sexual person and I'm not sure what I would do in your situation. Of course, I'm not the best mentor for this since I have stepped out on my husband. Everyone is different and for me, I honestly think without the intimacy, I would not be able to stay in a marriage. I'm not sure I'd be willing to sacrifice the wonderful and passionate sex which is so important to me without letting it interfere in my relationship. I would be frustrated, sexually and emotionally and I'm not sure I would be able to sustain that level of emptiness for too long. Some people are very happy with cuddles, but I'm just not one of those people. I think the resentment would eventually chip away at the love until it caused a marriage breakdown. It is something I have thought about, often. I'm 51 and my DH is 54. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. I know people who are happy to let their sexual mates go off and be with someone else to satisfy that part of their lives which they are unable to do whether it is because of health or lack of sex drive. Even though I have stepped out on my husband, I know I could never knowingly throw him into the arms and bed of another woman.

My first marriage was awful, sexually and otherwise. He had premature ejaculation and was a horrible lover. The marriage itself was not a great one and my sexual frustration after 10 years was making me bitter. We ended, but not because of the sex. However, as much as certain religions frown on premarital sex, I personally would never have remarried without first sampling the merchandise I feel for you, I really, really do. There is no answer and since you are feeling like this so early on in your marriage, you do need to examine this issue and really decide whether you are prepared to live like this for the next 50 years. I'm not pushing divorce, or affairs. I'm just trying to give you a reality check.

Last edited by hb2002; 03-30-2004 at 02:56 PM.

 
Old 03-30-2004, 03:41 PM   #7
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Re: lack of sex is making me depressed

[QUOTE=hb2002]You described your marriage as "pleasant", which in itself seemed to be an interesting choice of words.

Do you think your marriage will be able to survive this? Do you want it to? Does your husband know how you are feeling?
I'm just trying to give you a reality check.


Dear hb2002,

Thank you for your words. Can the marriage survive? hum i hope for it to survive. Can i survive may be more of the question. My mental well being is greatly compromised. I am a strong willed person so i can keep functioning for a while... but my husband knows that i am not doing well. We have talked very seriouly about what it is doing to me and the depression. I may not return to work next year because of the stress of having to cope without the enjoyment of SEX. I have lost interest in having sex with him, but the need for sex is very strong!! I want the marriage to work. My husband gives me a since of peace that i have not found with anyone ealse. And in may ways we are very good for each other. We complement each others strengths and weaknesses. He is supportive of any new hobbie or interest and believes in me. We are kind to each other.
The reality is there... and i am human and i am searching for some senciable ways of coping. How long can i live this way? I do not know.
Sincerely, Bastila

 
Old 03-30-2004, 04:17 PM   #8
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Re: lack of sex is making me depressed

It seems to me you are comprising your health, your career, your emotional well being for this marriage. Have you sought professional help? You obviously are not going to be able to sustain this depression for much longer without it seriously jepordizing your marriage. From what you are saying, I question how much longer are you going to be able to do this? Walking around depressed, quitting your job, and being sexually frustrated is not supposed to be what marriage is about. I'm not judging you, believe me I'm not. I complain to my husband at having sex once a week. We now have it twice a week. I had an affair when our sex life became once every other week. I was sexually fulfilled by my affair but an emotional wreck. I never told my husband about my affairs (two) but I just couldn't live like this and yes, I was getting depressed. I wanted to be able to share sex with someone who enjoyed it as much as I did, while I was still young enough to do it. I didn't want to look back and resent what I had missed. My husband knew I was sexually frustrated but he didn't realize just how frustrated I was. My husband now initiates sex twice a week and has become more of the lover he used to be when we first were married. Although it is wrong, now that I have cheated on him, I would not hesitate to do it again should our sex life become infrequent again. I know it's wrong, morally and otherwise. But so is walking around depressed. As I said, I'm not suggesting you go against your own morals and find a lover, but I really feel you are on the brink of having to make some very difficult choices in life. It sounds like you are putting your own needs last. As someone who is older than you, I can honestly tell you that you are going to regret looking back on your life and the unhappiness you have endured.

This next paragraph is going to offend some people. Guaranteed. I'm going to be very blunt here so if this offends you or anyone else, I'm sorry. To me, it sounds like you are kidding yourself and not going to last in this type of platonic relationship. You have choices to make. From an outsider, reading what you have written it sounds like your marriage is not going to last under these circumstances. You can end it now, or you can end it ten years from now. But if you end it ten years from now, you are going to look back and resent all the years you spent depressed and sexually frustrated over nothing since it ended anyway. Your options are: being satisfied without sex, masturbation, divorce, an affair, an open marriage, or trying to live your life in a way that is obviously making you miserable. You are way too young to be living with such unhappiness. Believe me, I only wish I had ended my first marriage right away rather than waiting 10 years. I lost 10 years of my life. I was miserable for ten years. I can never recapture those ten lost years. It saddens me to think of someone so young feeling so depressed as you are sounding. You are obviously very unhappy and in reality, things are not going to change sexually at home. Have you ever thought of having an affair? Would you be willing to do it if it would help you be content in your marriage. Have you ever discussed open marriage with your husband. Is it something you could discuss. People who are not sexual are unable to understand just how important sex is to those of us who are. I honestly think if for some reason my sex drive just up and died, my husband would be very content to live like roommates. He enjoys sex but does not have the burning desire to have it, like I do. You have some very heavy thinking to do and some very tough choices to make. Although the honourable thing to do is just be happy with your marriage as it is, I think you are way past that point and you are letting the guilt of what you are feeling affect your entire life. Were you a virgin when you two married? Did the two of you ever share the type of sex you desire? It's a very tough thing when a marriage is great in one aspect but your sexual needs and desires are so far apart. I think 99% of us are in marriages where one partner has a stronger sex drive than the other. But in your case is so off kilter that I question how long you are going to last.

Last edited by hb2002; 03-30-2004 at 04:19 PM.

 
Old 03-30-2004, 05:31 PM   #9
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boaz HB User
Re: lack of sex is making me depressed

Quote:
Originally Posted by bastila
Dear Hugs, I feel for you. It is so hard to live inside yourself...when you know the sex can be wonderful. Everything hurts when you want to feel and see what comes from the afterglow. My head hurts and my body longs to feel the velvetness that holds the stars in the night sky. Sincerely, Bastila
Dear Bastila,

I seen the dear hugs and was lost there for a moment....you were responding to me Boaz...I was just giving you an online hug....that's how I've seen them do it. I wrote down what you said...is it original or a quote from something, cause it's really poetic. I'm happy for you that your fulfilled in your emotional relationship together....and your a team!! That's great. It makes it easier to take. Where as mine is unbearable....yeah that quote says it all....I mean we used to connect so good on such a spiritual level, I've even cried at times. But that's all gone now....and I cry for another reason.
How old is your husband and yourself? I'm glad for you that he helps you out in other ways....around here it's not even considered.
((HUGS))) again

Thanks Boaz

 
Old 03-31-2004, 08:46 AM   #10
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Salinas1 HB User
Re: lack of sex is making me depressed

Quote:
Originally Posted by hb2002
I never told my husband about my affairs (two) but I just couldn't live like this and yes, I was getting depressed...Although it is wrong, now that I have cheated on him, I would not hesitate to do it again should our sex life become infrequent again. I know it's wrong, morally and otherwise.
Bastila, I trust this is not an option you will consider. The anguish that the betrayed spouse endures after finding out about the affairs of their most trusted confident, is devastating. Affairs are the ultimate act of cowardice and selfishness.

My opinion is that if you find yourself facing what you consider is the final decision of seeking relief in the form of intimacy with someone outside of your marriage, have the courage and respect of your husband to leave him first. Staying because you have a comfortable relationship and want the benefit of that while seeking intimacy elsewhere is not simply immoral, it is unconscionable.

You may stay with your husband long enough to see this through, or you may stay long enough to realize that it is not going to work. Whatever decisions you make and road you take, maintain dignitity and respect for your needs and his.

 
Old 03-31-2004, 09:46 AM   #11
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Re: lack of sex is making me depressed

Dear Bastila,
My hear goes out to you and your hubby....I don't know if you will get a answer on this section of this board or not??..I think you may try to look up a board with people in your situation/ or close to that as possible?

people don't really know about this unless it has happen to them?
All anyone can really do is sympamhytize with you....you may need to seek counsling....there are a lot of ways you can satisfi your sex life/ but you say you are a christain and I know how hard this can be on you.....as frustrating as you may get that still should not take away your love and faithfulness you have......my suggestion is you both seek qulfied profess counsling.

 
Old 03-31-2004, 03:15 PM   #12
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Re: lack of sex is making me depressed

Dear Friends,

I am not likely to have an affair, i know what it is like to be cheated on and that is just not my preferance. I Know that the need for sex is strong and good sex can be very healing. My husband and i are in our 30's. I would have never in my life thought i would be dealing with sexual problems in my marriage. We chose to wait till we were married, even though my best friend wanted me to try it out first with him. I do not know if i could even actually go through with breaking what is a strong taboo in our belief system.
He has had the sexual dysfunction from the beginning of the marriage.
I agree we need to seek counsling. We have gone before but did not really address the sexual problems as strongly as they needed to be. I think we keep thinking it would get better. This is my second marriage and his first.

Dear hb2002, i have lived enough life to truely understand what you are saying. I understand that we sometime do what we have to do to save our sanity. God is very forgiving. He created the need for sex so we would have something to do with the other gender, and He had to make it strong!!

Dear Boaz,
The words about the stars and velvet are from a poem I wrote some years ago. " I was a molecule that exploded and my whole being felt like one with the universe, laying in the sky among the stars as though I were the velvet that held them in the sky. The motion that started the explotion is making another message and I feel myself coming back together." Bastila 1994

It is hard to know what do to when what i want to happen is for our sex life to be normal for us. I do not want to be depressed like this. It is so lathargic and the lose of energy is the most devestating. I am a high energy person. I love being productive and just being busy about enjoying life. I miss that i do not feel the electricty running through my body and how it creates musical words, like the poem above.
Sincerely, Bastila

Last edited by bastila; 03-31-2004 at 04:17 PM.

 
Old 03-31-2004, 04:16 PM   #13
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Re: lack of sex is making me depressed

Dear Boaz,

Do you know when your husband will have his surgery? It must be awlful having been having a normal life and then his accident turning you guys life upside down. He must feel it too. Men just sometimes do not know how to talk about it. Sometimes my husband shuts down and I Make him talk to me. I have to help him come out of himself and realize what is bugging him. Sometimes i use maganize articles or questionairs to help us have discussions about a topic. I know if my husband and I were not kind with each other and supportive that i would not put up with the loss of sex too. The need is pulling at me. The repressed desire is circulating through my veins... searching for a release. My head hurts.
Sincerely, Bastila

 
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