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Old 03-20-2005, 04:54 PM   #1
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twokatss HB User
Unhappy No sex for 5 years

We have been married a long time. 18 years. My husband does not show any affection at all --never has even before marriage. I had to wake him up on our wedding night for sex. He does not like kissing or holding hands or anything like that. He is very uncomfortable doing that sort of thing. I think it is because he has an infeority complex. He is also a perfectionist. He never used to be the agressor--I was all the time. I decided I was not going to be the agressor anymore 5 years ago and he has not touched me since or even talked about it. He seems very happy the way things are. I am not complaining as I knew what he was like before I married him. However I would like some affection once in a while. He won't watch any thing sexual on TV or otherwise, because he does not like that kind of stuff. He actually turned me down for love making a few times.
I know he loves me. He treats me like a queen. Should I be happy I have a man who works hard, and is genuinely a nice guy?

No one knows of our life behind closed doors. Every one thinks we have the perfect marriage. It is except for the sex thing. I am 38, he is 40.

 
Old 03-20-2005, 07:37 PM   #2
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MIpigpen HB User
Re: No sex for 5 years

Quote:
Originally Posted by twokatss
I know he loves me. He treats me like a queen. Should I be happy I have a man who works hard, and is genuinely a nice guy?

No one knows of our life behind closed doors. Every one thinks we have the perfect marriage. It is except for the sex thing. I am 38, he is 40.
Have you talked to him about this? No sex is not fun. Is it the physical "outcome" for you, or just that he doesn't want sex?

you are still young...can you live the rest of your life w/out? Does he kiss you? Hug you?

Wait..I have to read the post rules about this.....don't want to offend...

 
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Old 03-20-2005, 07:43 PM   #3
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Re: No sex for 5 years

ok well this seems pretty strange to me

i would have thought that he might have been cheating
but i doubt that he would have married you if that was the case, and he didnt like intimacy before

you definately need to talk to him
maybe he is worried about something
maybe he thinks (being a perfectionist) that he cant please you the way he wants to, so hes scared to try

good luck with it all
hope it works out

 
Old 03-20-2005, 08:09 PM   #4
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justinluck HB User
Re: No sex for 5 years

Wow, I haven't heard of this before. Why did you marry him even though you already knew he didn't like sex??

I don't want to scare you, but I saw the Oprah show last month and they were showing all these husbands that were secretly gay and that is why they wouldn't show affection to their wives...

 
Old 03-20-2005, 09:33 PM   #5
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Re: No sex for 5 years

Quote:
Originally Posted by justinluck
Wow, I haven't heard of this before. Why did you marry him even though you already knew he didn't like sex??

I don't want to scare you, but I saw the Oprah show last month and they were showing all these husbands that were secretly gay and that is why they wouldn't show affection to their wives...

HEY! You just freaked me out! My husband walked around with sex on the brain all day, but then didn't touch me for 8 months! He bought new clothes, went to the gym 3 days a week, didn't answer his cell phone.. Gave me the "no thanks"!

Turned out he was suffering from depression and the clothes, gym, lonely times...trying to feel better about himself.

We are working on us...and today he tried to get some after a lunch of nachoes and beans!!! This time I said no.

Sounds like talking has to start!

Thinking of you...good luck.

 
Old 04-02-2005, 08:46 PM   #6
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Re: No sex for 5 years

i have been 12 years.....Diabetic problem so now we cant. Not stupid enough to go outside the home.

 
Old 04-03-2005, 08:01 AM   #7
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Re: No sex for 5 years

Get him to an endocronoligst doctor that specializes in hormones. He may just have low testosterone & high estrogen E2. If he has boobs then he does need HRT, because he has both of those problems.

Some meds & most anti-depressants cause low sex drive.

 
Old 04-03-2005, 08:22 AM   #8
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Re: No sex for 5 years

I not being mean when I suggest this, but your husband could be gay. There have been many articles on it lately. There are symtoms in the marriage that women experience that are the same. Search the web for married woman of gay spouses.

Many men are afraid to admit it or vice versa.

I know this is a difficult issue to acknowledge let alone discuss.

Last edited by hannasnana; 04-03-2005 at 08:24 AM.

 
Old 04-03-2005, 11:11 PM   #9
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Re: No sex for 5 years



Definately something to talk about. I doubt very much he is cheating. I think it maybe something that he might be uncomfortable about his body? If you think about it when a girl has something she doesnt like on her body she will act the same way. There could be a number of reasons why:

1. Did something bad happen to him as a child?
2. He might be gay?
3. If he is over weight or chubby he might feel unatractive.

Sorry to be so forward with my possibilities but most cases like yours i have heard could be because of the above. It could be something simple as he has a very low sex drive but i think you should take this further and seek professional help. If you are happy with the way things are going then leave it be.

Try experimenting wear sexy clothes........He is a male for god sake something has to turn him on. Maybe compliment him alot more.

Keep me updated.

Nici

 
Old 04-05-2005, 01:43 AM   #10
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catherine123 HB User
Re: No sex for 5 years

If he's not gay, sounds like he really needs some serious counseling. This is just me, but I find it a bit strange that you would marry him if he wasn't affectionate, isn't marriage supposed to be romantic?

Last edited by catherine123; 04-05-2005 at 01:44 AM.

 
Old 04-05-2005, 04:18 AM   #11
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Re: No sex for 5 years

Do you ever feel like a good part of your life is being wasted away? How does this happen? I wish there was an acid test for ambiguity in a relationship then at least I knew where I stood. But 5 years not to be responded to is tough to think about even though my own situation is very much the same.

 
Old 04-05-2005, 10:34 PM   #12
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Re: No sex for 5 years

twokatss, I'll post a reply and hope that you see it...I'm not sure since you haven't posted since your original post over 2 weeks ago. Anyway...I'm no expert, but it really makes me wonder if your husband might be gay. I can 'maybe' understand his marrying you in an attempt to live what society considers to be a normal life in a man/woman relationship (although that's NOT fair to you!), but I can't understand why you would have wanted to marry him when you knew going into the marriage that he wasn't affectionate. That alone should have sent up a red flag IMHO. Speaking for myself, I think it would be next to impossible for me to love someone who doesn't like kissing and hugging me and having sex with me. Two people living together like that seem to be merely roommates and no more. If your husband isn't gay, then it seems to me that he must have had something traumatic happen to him when he was younger to give him the idea that affection is wrong. It seems mighty strange to me that he doesn't watch scenes like that on tv either. I hope you're not in the same boat as me, but I can't help thinking that it must be that he's gay. Sad to say, mine is either gay or bi. Had I known that at the beginning, there's no way that I'd have married him! Why would I purposely set myself up for a life of misery? He led me to believe that he was heterosexual and really didn't give any indication that he might be otherwise. As far as I'm concerned, he told me the biggest lie that he could have ever told me, not telling me that he's attracted to men. I hope for your sake that your husband isn't gay, but something sure isn't right. Try to talk to him if this situation is bothering you (I don't see why it wouldn't be) and see what he says. If you want to go on with your sexless marriage, that's entirely up to you. It doesn't really bother some people being in a marriage like that, but I think that most people would have a problem dealing with not having sex. Five years is an awful long time. I guess it mustn't have bothered you when you were going with him. Maybe you thought he would change??

 
Old 04-07-2005, 04:53 AM   #13
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Re: No sex for 5 years

Twokatss,

I'm 38 too, and in my sexual peak, your really missing out, maybe you've deadened your feelings to it, but I couldn't live like that not for that long and not because he doesn't want to, maybe you don't like sex as much as I do, it brings you closer to the one you love, my husband CAN'T because of bad health problems, I miss it so much and for awhile I turned myself off and accepted it, I told him long ago when the equipment went "south" at least be affectionate, and he isn't, heck I look back on our soon to be 10 years and he was only affectionate when it would lead to sex, so now I see why. I don't expect to live the rest of my days out in a sexless loveless relationship, I know he's very ill and can't help it, I even dragged him to a urologist and got down to taking shots in his penis for it to work, (he has severe vascular problems) and now he refuses them after one bad experience with it. And he's 51 years old. I can't fathom 5 years, I'm most comfortable with my body now, more confidant, enjoy myself more, girl don't miss out and look back and wished you'd done different, you only get one ride and at 38 I feel like it's went by quickly, what people have suggested about maybe him being gay?? Give that one a thought, but it's all up to you if your happy and want to live like this, think of a man who is passionate and is crazy about you, I've had that before and it's so hard, I miss it too much.....

 
Old 04-09-2005, 09:17 AM   #14
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Re: No sex for 5 years

Quote:
Originally Posted by twokatss
I know he loves me. He treats me like a queen. Should I be happy I have a man who works hard, and is genuinely a nice guy?
It sounds like you are happy that you have a man like that. Sounds like you appreciate him every much. That doesn't mean that all of your needs are being met. Someone else asked if you can go the rest of your life without sex. If the answer is no, then you're going to have to be proactive, either by bringing up the subject with him or by initiating sex because it seems like your husband isn't going to be the one to do either of those. Good luck.

 
Old 04-09-2005, 12:08 PM   #15
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Re: No sex for 5 years

Thank you for all your replys. I am rolling around in my mind what to do.
He says and does all the right things except for the sex thing. I am trying to see what my life would be like without him and I think I am better off with him. I have talked to a counsellor and he said that is what I should be thinking---better with or without?

I know he is not gay. He has had lots of time to show me that side of him and I have never seen it.

It could be worse, I could be with a man who abuses me. He does not. He is very caring.

We all have our lot in life and I guess this is mine.
Thank you all.

 
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