why am I not interested? - Sexual Health - Women Message Board

liquideyes · 08-19-2005, 04:48 PM

Hi out there... I hope and pray that someone can relate to my issues and maybe offer some advice...

I am ready to lose my mind because I have a wonderful loving man, who thinks I am the most beautiful, sensual, desirable woman in the world and I cannot find an ounce of desire to have sex... I enjoy it when I give in and allow it, but how come I cannot feel that "horny" feeling or desire or passion before he starts touching me... I am overweight and very self conscious, so I know that's part of it... but when we were just having a "fling" I wanted him all the time... now that we are living together and in love, I can't even think of sex... at all... but I love him so much and now I am afraid he will have an affair or leave if I don't start to be sexual soon...

Help please...?

AliR · 08-19-2005, 06:03 PM

Although I come from the opposite perspective in my relationship I think I can relate. My husband too has a very low sex drive. He rarely if ever wants to be intimate and just occasionally 'gives in' when I initiate things. It is very frustrating. It sounds like your partner has no issue with any weight issues you have so that is your issue not his. Over time I have experienced different levels of interest in sex. I think our desire changes over time with our hormones. I'm almost 40 and feel I am at my 'peak' which is very difficult since my husband is at the other end of the spectrum. One thing I have learned which may help is to learn to feel sexy for yourself. Buy good lingerie and underwear that matches! Wearing sexy stuff under your clothes will make you feel more sexy about yourself. Another suggestion I have is to read erotica. These steamy stories may help you get in the mood and there's so great stuff out there written by women for women. I hope these suggestions help. I know coming from my perspective that incompatible sex drives in a relationship can make that relationship very challenging.

mjewell · 08-19-2005, 10:07 PM

Hi liquideyes -

Boy, do I feel EXACTLY what you're feeling, and I am so sad about it because I am a newlywed!! Do you mind if I ask how old you are? I am 26, and I don't know if this is normal for women my age. Like AliR said, women do go through different sexual phases, for God's sake I hope thats all this is for me. A few years ago I was a fiend. i too am worried this is going to mess up my relationship.

I don't really have any advice because I am still seeking some myself, but I think Ali said pretty much all you can say - hopefully with us it is just a phase.

balivion · 08-20-2005, 01:50 AM

I went through something like this with my ex husband. He is only my ex because he doesnt know what the word faithful meant. When we were dating, I was a nympho to say the least. But, once we got married, it lost the "thrill of the chase" and became very uninterested in sex. then, as soon as i got back out in the dating world I became the way I was before. what you need to do, is try to bring that passion back. make yourself believe that the thrill is not gone, and prove it to yourself. You say you get turned on when he initiates something. so if you are so inclined, to just show him that you really do love him and love being with him. I would set up a night where you can get out of your normal routine and get back into the passion if for at least one night. rent a motel, do something different, you may just be mentally bored of the same ol thing, try to spice things up a bit and see if that works.

Hope that helped

liquideyes · 08-22-2005, 06:25 PM

Thanks everyone for the advice... to mjewell... I have felt like this for so many years with so many men that I just thought I was never meant to have sex at all. I was in a very abuse relationship years ago, and sex was the way he punished me when I didn't do what he wanted... it was horrible all the time, and I know that plays a HUGE part in my inability to even feel sexy or sexual. But I just don't know how to get past it. I know in my rational mind that my current boyfriend is NOT at all my exhusband (not to mention I have been away from the abuse since 1992) but I can't shake the feelings that pop up whenever he wants to make love... I get this aweful feeling of disgust for even feeling good about it... and the harder I try and block them out, the worse they are... but if I give in, then I always have a wonderful experience.... only the poor dear lasts about 45 seconds, because I have made him wait so long, and I can't find my "release" that fast. So I just pretend that I did, so he doesn't feel bad... I don't know, maybe I will try all the advice you all gave and see if that helps at all...