redjhead

Here's the background:
I was in an abusive relationship for about 7 years. It involved many types of abuse, from severed manipulation and mind games, verbal and physical abuse, and also maybe sexual. I don't know what to call it, but i basically had to do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted it, and often to do things I didn't feel comfortable with. Not only that, but I had to pretend to be really into it. It is complicated to describe why. There were other things, like that he would tell me I smell bad, or he wanted me to be shaved and would complain i hurt him if there was stubble. aside from fear, guilt was the other main motivator for me to do all of this. During this time i also became pregnant and had more than one abortion, which i believe was the right choice at the time, but i think all of this is having a huge affect on my current sex life. I sometimes feel dirty and nasty and used inside which makes it a bit hard to enjoy sex.

I've been through (and am still in) therapy, which has helped a lot with my emotional issues and depression. I'm with a wonderful man now, and we have a great relationship, in terms of communication and friendship and caring. He is very patient with me. But our sex life is not so good. I had trouble even kissing at first, not to mention sex. Since we started to have a sexual relationship about 6 months ago, it has gotten so much better, but there's still problems.

My new BF is also recently divorced (has been separated for almost 2 years) and his previous wife hardly ever had sex with him, would not hug him in bed even, and he is a very physical person. so he has his issues too...

Sometimes I still have reactions, like i'll flinch when he touches me unexpectedly. He takes it as rejection and feels hurt. Then i feel guilty for making him feel bad.

I do have some desire and I want to work on this. I try to practice by myself so I can learn to orgasm with him. We talk about things. I want to be healthy.

I noticed lately he doesn't seem to be as interested in me sexually. i asked him about it and he said he is having a hard time with it, which was a surprise to me cuz i thought we were progressing nicely. He says he wishes i would participate more, he is afraid i'm only doing it for him and not out of my own free will, he thinks i'm not fully present during the act or that i'm just acting like i did in my old relationship... also, there's a lot of things i'm not comfortable with, like i don't like to receive oral sex, and he says he feels limited and is afraid to touch me sometimes b/c he doesn't know how i'll react. Ii don't know how to get past it. i thought i was doing so well, but now i feel like a failure.

I feel like i've explained til i'm blue in the face that it has nothing to do with him, that it my past still affecting me, but he takes it personally as if I'm rejecting him. He's also going through a tough time with his ex-wife and his business right now and says he is feeling weaker than usual and can't put forth the same effort he normally does. He wants me to put forth more - like maybe initiate more, touch him more, etc. I try to do it, but feel like i'm doing as much as I can but that it isn't enough. It makes me sad because i want this relationship to work, but it is very difficult!

Any suggestions? What can i do to help heal myself (books, dvds suggestions?) and how can i help him understand better, so that I can be free to grow and learn at my own pace without feeling pressured?

sorry so long, but any help will be much appreciated.