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Old 12-07-2005, 09:03 PM   #1
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Unhappy Sexually Incompatiable with Husband

I've been married for about 3 years now and am fearing that I'm just completely sexually incompatible with my husband.

My husband is disinterested in foreplay. I"ve complained enough now to where he is willing now to do stuff but knowing he doesn't like to makes me not like it. Unfortunately, him just banging me for 30 seconds just doesn't do the trick (which is his idea of optimal sex). When he does do stuff for me with his hand, I feel nervous and it also doesn't really feel that good. (I'm thinking his fingers might just be too big??????) I won't let him do oral because I know he wouldn't like it since he doesn't even like using his hand.

I'm hoping that this is all psychological but was wondering if anyone has any ideas as to whether two people can just be incompatible?? or is there something that can be done to make 2 people compatible? I don't want a divorce but fights over bad sex is really draining the marriage. Everything else about the marriage if fine (e.g. no abuse, etc).

 
Old 12-07-2005, 11:28 PM   #2
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Re: Sexually Incompatiable with Husband

Communication is the key. The best time to bring up this subject is not when you are mad at each other. You both need to sit down and have a real discussion about what your needs are and what his are and see if you can come to some kind of understanding. He may be immature sexually and really doesn't know how to please you and is afraid to ask or finds it embarassing. You are going to have to teach him by showing him where and when it feels good and he is going to have to slow himself down (this will take some practice on his part) There are alot of good sites out there that can help you with this. Use Google to search them out.

Last edited by MommaBee; 12-07-2005 at 11:29 PM. Reason: spelling

 
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Old 12-08-2005, 01:37 AM   #3
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Re: Sexually Incompatiable with Husband

Nancy, are you sure everything else in the relationship is OK? From your descriptions of his behavior, he does not sound interested in you. That is very sad and I hope not true. But if it is, then it is better to get out now than later.

He clearly has a premature ejaculation problem, but that does not explain why he does not enjoy touching you and kissing your body. If he is sexually attracted to you and most importantly loves you, then I see no reason why he wouldn't want to touch you and give you pleasure.

I know, with my girlfriend, I prefer sex to last as long as possible. I love to savor every moment from from foreplay to actual penetration to eventual climax. I always make sure that I am last to come. I would feel incredibly guilty if I came before my girlfriend did because she enjoys to come by the act of intercourse. Infact, my girlfriend and I are kind of opposites. I can last as long as I want during intercourse, hours if need be. My girlfriend on the other hand usually likes to come as fast as possible (within seconds if I go fast enough or use my hand). Fortunately for her, having the privilege of the female anatomy, she can come multiple times during a session without any refraction period. But I'm always telling her to slow down so we can savor it before she gets too loose and wet! lol

I'm in my mid-20's and I remember when I was younger (18) I had a bit of problem with controlling my orgasm. But with practice, I've learned how to last as long as I want without sacrificing any pleasure. It's all about getting to know your own body and how to control it without conscious thought. I'm surprised some guys (esp. in 30s!) haven't learned this. And I surely don't know why one would want sex to be over ASAP...

Nancy, you need to have some serious conversions with this guy. If he doesn't want to ever have real sex with you, then it is definitely in your best interests to find someone else. It is probably hard to imagine in your current situation, but there are some guys out here that do like to please their women. I don't know how common we are, but we are out here!

 
Old 12-10-2005, 03:54 PM   #4
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Re: Sexually Incompatiable with Husband

This isn't physical incompatibility, that's your husband being inconsiderate of your needs. Regarding the oral, if he's willing to do it, let him! So what if it doesn't rock your world the first time. Just do it for a bit, give him some feedback, and at least you will have something to start with. As for his hands, he should be rubbing your clitoris so the size of his fingers should have nothing to do with it.
Your husband sounds really bad in bed, despite his previous experience.

What he's done is trained you to accept his pathetic version of sex, to not expect normal, give-and-take sex, so that he gets what he wants and who cares about you. Trust me, no one would be sexually compatible with a man like that. Well, maybe a woman who hates sex and only wants it over with...

 
Old 12-10-2005, 07:40 PM   #5
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Re: Sexually Incompatiable with Husband

Just a question, did you guys have sex before you got married? I'm curious because it seems to me that this would be the time for him to arouse you with foreplay (you know how things are always better before marriage).

Anyways...it sounds to me like he is just interested in satisfying himself. He should work twice as hard to try to show you a good time. My husband says that it is a macho thing, to make sure that he is able to satisfy me. If your husband doesn't last much longer than the 30 seconds you mentioned, perhaps you should suggest using condoms to dull his sensitivity.

Also, try some of those romance games. You know, the ones where it instructs you on what to do. If you bring that into the picture and it tells him what to do, I don't see where he could go wrong. Just a suggestion!

 
Old 12-10-2005, 09:54 PM   #6
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Re: Sexually Incompatiable with Husband

I still don't see how 30 seconds of sex is even pleasurable for himself. It seems like he is trying to just get it over with. Is he romantic with you outside of the bedroom? I always like to have sex with my girlfriend for as long as possible! At least an hour if time permits.

 
Old 12-11-2005, 10:35 PM   #7
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Re: Sexually Incompatiable with Husband

I might be inclined to think that he could possibly be gay? It is just a thought. I have two friends who husbands were actually gay even though they were married for quite a few years. Both had several children by the time they left my friends for other men. It might explain it and his dislike for making love to you. You need to ask him.
Take care!

 
Old 12-13-2005, 03:09 AM   #8
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Re: Sexually Incompatiable with Husband

Hi this problem could be resolved by telling him you wish to learn together me and my husband have been togther since i was 15 now 39,although he did leave and get married to someone else that didnt last said she was not very good.Any way i have a very bad problem as i rip everytime we have intercourse due to sjogrens i have meaning i have dry virgina.But that dont mean we havent learnt to make each other happy by other means,I had to take the lead and show him what i liked by us talking about our problem also we pleasure our selves while other is watching and that way then you know what gets them.We cannt get enough of each other then as its such a turn on.Talking about sex with each other can also be a turn on by just saying what you like there is so much to learn it never ends.Our problem is trying to be quite when kids awake as ours are 18 and 13.

 
Old 12-13-2005, 02:02 PM   #9
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Re: Sexually Incompatiable with Husband

Thanks for the advice.

Last time we were together, I asked him if he could try to be a little more enthusiastic or excited when he was touching me prior to intercourse....(When he touches me, he is completely quiet and it seems as though he almost is going to fall asleep). He responded by telling me that I'm being unrealistic. Of course, this really hurt my feelings. Is it unrealistic to expect your spouse to act excited when they are touching you? I'm so confused. I thought men were supposed to be excited about it.

 
Old 12-13-2005, 07:04 PM   #10
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Re: Sexually Incompatiable with Husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by nancy30
Is it unrealistic to expect your spouse to act excited when they are touching you? I'm so confused. I thought men were supposed to be excited about it.
They are, although some might have trouble showing it, being nervous or something. In your case, it seems more like he just doesn't like doing it. He really is trying to his best to make sure you don't ask him for any favours, isn't he? I'm not sure it would qualify as passive aggressive, but it really is terrible behavior. I have total sympathy for you.

Anyway, it isn't unrealistic at all to expect him to be excited about it. My guy still acts like a kid in a candy store, or like he's at an amusement park with a ride-all-day wrist band. He's there to have fun having sex with me, whereas your guy sounds like he'd rather be masturbating.

 
Old 12-14-2005, 12:33 AM   #11
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Re: Sexually Incompatiable with Husband

HI i agree with mommabee while lying next to him just start to do it your self.If he gets a bit annoyed just say that it would be nice for him to do it,if he feels anything for your sexual relationship he should take over or at least help by showing you he wants you. my husband loves me to masterbate but he also touches me at the same time,and masterbates him self which is also a turn on. your relationship will suffer if you dont feel comfortable with each other,it is one of the main reasons for relationship break ups,Another thing you could try is doing it yourself then telling him what you have done as this could make him think twice most men would find this a turn on,good luck

 
Old 12-15-2005, 11:29 AM   #12
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Re: Sexually Incompatiable with Husband

Why not just relax and go with it. Let him do oral sex. Talk a lot. Tell him what you want. Show him what you want. Get some conversation going. For some stupid reason people can talk about cancer and other horrible subjects but can not talk about sex. When done properly with both parties on the same plane it is the most beautiful and fulfilling experience but both of you have to talk to each other. Get in the right mood. Show a little skin. What do you have to loose. I love flirting with my husband yet. Love to turn him on. Love a challenge. Always is fun.

I agree with the other poster. Masturbate around him. Men love to see a naked female. Doing this is a real turn on. Work your magic girl.

Last edited by neflin; 12-15-2005 at 11:32 AM. Reason: adding

 
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