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Old 12-14-2005, 06:21 AM   #1
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bella_violet HB User
my non-existent sex drive is ruining my marriage...

I don't exactly know what I'm looking for here...so I guess, give me anything you've got~

I've always had a low sex drive...especially since starting birth control 7 years ago...In the past, I've been able to muster up enough of a drive to keep our sex life at least at par...but lately...I've got absolutly nothing...

My husband is a very shy person as well...extremely insecure...and WILL NOT initiate sex in a way that lets me know what he wants (even though I've discussed this with him several times)...his idea of initiating is to rub my back while I'm sleeping for 30 seconds...this doesn't communicate "let's do it" to me..and he absolutly refuses to make more obvious advances when he's randy...

We've had MULTIPLE fights about this...I've tried initiating when I'm not in the mood at all just to keep him happy...but it's not enough...and I haven't been able to get anywhere because I'm not into it at all...

I know that birth control can be a major sex drive depressant...and I've recently lost 50 pounds...and I know diet and exercise can affect sex drive...but I guess I'm looking for other things I can do to try and bring back even a little desire...

thanks in advance~

 
Old 12-14-2005, 07:23 AM   #2
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wrinkles HB User
Re: my non-existent sex drive is ruining my marriage...

I would suggest some adult movies that both can enjoy and a trip to a different location than your bedroom, sometimes this works well

 
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Old 12-14-2005, 07:57 AM   #3
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Re: my non-existent sex drive is ruining my marriage...

Quote:
Originally Posted by wrinkles
I would suggest some adult movies that both can enjoy and a trip to a different location than your bedroom, sometimes this works well

I've suggested both of those things...and both are unfortunatly a no go...he's not comfortable watching adult movies with me...and I don't really get anything out of them anyway...and he's not willing to initiate anywhere...so unless I initiate outside the bedroom (which would have to be when I'm not in the mood, cuz I never am) it wouldn't happen...and when I do initiate when not in the mood...it's painful and I never get anything out of it...

I guess...I don't know...I'm wondering what (if anything) I could do to make sex something I desire again...I haven't had any real interest in it in a good year...

thanks for your suggestions though

 
Old 12-14-2005, 08:19 AM   #4
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mjewell HB Usermjewell HB Usermjewell HB Usermjewell HB User
Re: my non-existent sex drive is ruining my marriage...

Have you talked to your doctor about switching birth control pills? Sounds like that is the first thing you need to look at. There are certain brands that are supposedly better for the ol' sex drive. My dr just switched me to ovcon 35 for that - it's been almost a month and so far I don't notice month, but I am going to give it another month.

I am also taking an anti-depressant so I'm sure that doesn't help...but you should really discuss it with your doc because there are lots of different things that can help.

 
Old 12-14-2005, 11:45 AM   #5
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Re: my non-existent sex drive is ruining my marriage...

hi,
First off congrads on you loseing that 50lbs...thats wonderful girl...I'm proud for you.
Anyway There is a lot that goes into or out of a loss of desire for sex or 'sex drive" ...... that old flame has all but died out...and theres seems like theres no hope for it to re-kendle..sorta-speak.
Maybe you feel insecure of yourself? you don't like your body? or something like that?..maybe you don't want to be looked at naked?

If you had a great sex life togather before this...then theres hope...but if you have never been into a great sexual relation ever...then I 'm not sure what you can try? but my point is > it is common for a woman to lose her sex drive without a reason or cause its just a fact of life that... that happens...I've always felt that if a woman is not completely satisfied then they tend to lose there sex drive and still be in love with there partner.
we'll if this is it....try experiments/ do things differently try not haveing intercourse but still be intimate....cuddle/tell each other how you love to just be with that person and how you look foward everyday to be with that person to laugh/cry to worry togather...how them bills are going to be paid..just try to be happy with each other and don't think or worry about what other people do...just be yourself/and him be himself and you guys will untangle things in your bedroom....I'm pretty sure.
relax be calm and just work things out togather..thats the best and some times the only way.

try talking to your Dr, or maybe seek sexual countsulatation.
if you can't get sexual aroused? and you do want to be touch/aroused then you have a sexual problem and its usally a mental state of mind..if your body is working all properly then its maybe all in your mind?
barring all medical conditions of course.
most of the time in a loss of a sex drive if its not a phyiscal medical health problem..then its mental....age plays a part also as we grow older the less sex drive we have (sometimes) hope that don't ever happen to me...nah it can't...lol
I wish you the best.

Last edited by chevyman; 12-14-2005 at 04:19 PM.

 
Old 12-15-2005, 10:34 AM   #6
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Re: my non-existent sex drive is ruining my marriage...

I was on bcp for most of my adult life (starting at 17) and went off at age 38-39 (I'm now 47). In retrospect, I truly believe that the bcp really reduced my sex drive. I usually enjoyed it when it happened, but just never really had the desire and suffered from dryness during intercourse. Even though I feel like I started perimenopause within a year or two after getting off bcp, my sexual desire has been better now than in my late 20's and 30's. And I never have a problem with dryness.

You're in a secure relationship - you can find another birth control that will work for you both. Get off the bcp. Get those nasty synthetic hormones out of your system.

You say you recently lost weight through diet and exercise. Congratulations! I hope you are feeling good about yourself and your body. Have you bought any new clothes to show off the new you? This may seem a little simplistic or superficial, but feeling good about yourself and how you look can be very important when it comes to your sex drive.

I read something recently that says the more you have sex, the more you want it. Having sex increases our testosterone levels. Maybe you can explore pleasing yourself, either all the way to orgasm or prior to having sex with your husband. Reaquaint yourself in what pleases you.

As far as your husband not initiating, it could be that he senses your disinterest and fears rejection (a big turn off for guys). I'd say keep initiating until things improve and maybe his fear of being rejected will subside. Maybe you could discuss a specific time (like Saturday afternoon or Sunday morning or Wednesday after work) when you set aside time for the two of you. Start out with a massage for one or the other, take turns maybe and plan for it to lead to sex. That way neither of you really has to be the initiator and no one gets turned down. It may seem mechanical at first, but you need to get things rolling!

Good luck!

 
Old 12-18-2005, 06:13 PM   #7
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Re: my non-existent sex drive is ruining my marriage...

Boy thats for sure about the less you do it the less you want it. My sex drive is very low also. I'm even taking testosterone. It seems to have helped a little but I tell you when we do it and its good it makes you want it again. And the longer you wait the less you want it. Or at least thats it for me. I know my problem is depression though. And depression meds make that worse! Masturbation is a good idea though, it may help you. Don't you wish we could keep that spark that we have when we first meet someone? That just turns to comfort, which is a good thing but the first spark sure was fun back then.

 
Old 12-19-2005, 06:17 AM   #8
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Re: my non-existent sex drive is ruining my marriage...

Male & female sex desire is driven by testosterone.

Some BC pills will drive up the Estrogen levels too high, you gain weight & some are like zombies. The Testosterone is probably low. When the "T/E" ratio is out whack then the sex desire can be non-existant

The E2 can be lowered, by changing the BC pills, & the "T" increased by prescription "rub-on" gels or injections. The compounded testosterone is the best & least expensive. Many internet pharmacies do this after the doctors sends faxes them a prescription. Just research for one in the USA.

Rub the Testosterone gel, the non-alcohol type, on the clitoral area.

Most doctors know little about hormones.

Read the Suzzane Sommers book, "The Sexy Years", & Dr. Shippens book, "The testosterone Syndrome". Both are a little our of date, but still the best all around books on female & male hormone problems.

Read both books, they are probably in the local library.

 
Old 01-07-2006, 08:54 PM   #9
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Re: my non-existent sex drive is ruining my marriage...

First I would think the losing weight would turn into so more of a sexual woman. I have just lost equally that amount of weight plus a bit more and for us it could not be more wonderful. Some things you say scare me. You do say you have lost all your libido. Do you love him? Did you ever desire him and want and need him like a woman should a man? Was your passion such that you swear you could not live without him and wanted him so bad you could not stand it? Does he turn you on just looking at him? Is he still your lover and best friend?

These are all the things I think of with my husband of 47 years. After all these years he does each and everyone of these things to me. The heat and passion between us is more than it has ever been. In a room he looks at me from a distance and his eyes say I love you. I desire him more than when we first got married.

All these are things you should have. I do not know how you can stay a happy and satisfied woman without being sought after like you should. A woman needs to be desired and wanted and told this and you are trying to do this all on your own and I do not know how you can. Erotic films, books, talk dirty all are preludes to great sex. But if he does not want to do these things how can you expect this to happen. A hot motel is great but it has to be two willing partners. The one question that raises the alert in me is the libido. How do you find libido? My libido has always been there but has gotten so high since I lost weight.

I do not know if counseling will help you. I would have a very hard time talking to a consoler about my sex life. Probably could not do it. How would they know what I feel. Have you ever been daring and been out together in a car just the two of you and pulled over in a private area and had him come over to the passenger seat and you adjust your clothing and climb on. This could be for some great sex and yet not breaking the law with no one around and you are both covered. You need some zing to get this thing started. Make the zing happen if you want it. The longer you are going without it the worse it will get.

This is just advice from an older woman in love. I hope you find yourselves.

 
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