My Boyfriend and I have been going out for 5 months now. Our first time having sex was so very disappointing to me. We were going to plan everything but one night we just went ahead and did it, not expecting to actually have sex (we didn't even have a condom on hand, but Im on birth control). On top of this I was a virgin (Im 20yrs old) so I was expecting this wonderful night with passionate love making and ALOT of pleasure...or atleast a little. That was not the case!
He finished in 1-2 minutes flat and was not interested in continuing, so basically I didn't get anything out of it. I felt so bad, I wanted my first time to be so special and it wasn't. I know it is not his fault, I love him and he wanted to please me. He noticed himself how he can't last longer, he just tells me that he couldn't hold it back. But now Im not interested in sex at all. I dont know how to explain this to him, but I would be just fine with fourplay and no intercourse.
Please help! He is the only guy Ive been with, so I dont know what to expect but my female friends say they love sex and it feels amazing to them. I have been thinking that maybe it's me, I might be expecting too much? Maybe it isn't great the first 5-10 times but in the future it will get better?
Hmm.. well I would think this wouldn't happen EVERY time. Maybe he is just excited and not used to sex and doesn't seem to last as long. Do you all ever have oral sex or any other sexual activity? If not, then it would probably excite him even more and not be able to last as long.
I'm sure with time it would stop happening.. but if not he could always try wearing a condom. There are even the ones that are supposed to make him less sensitive. I know this can be tricky to bring up and hard to talk about, but there are always nice ways to say it.. plus wearing a condom AND birth control pills (or whatever other method you are using) make pregnancy even less of a chance.. which is always good .
sounds like your b/f is in to big of a hurry? or he's very neervous? he needs to relax more and take his time, he needs to perform oral sex on you and give you more forplay before intercourse..hey thats whats fun and pleasurable...I give my g/f pleasure before intercourse she gets her pleasure with my feel and touch..things your b/f needs to do to you if he's not? intercourse is usally the last sexual acts of love before getting up or going to sleep, besides for most women intercourse alone is not what or how they get stimulated to orgasam..try more forplay you maybe surprised.
sometimes you may not want intercourse my g/f is a lot like that.
it is a special thing for a girl on there first time but look at it like this it has to only get better and better.
Good Luck to you guys.
I have performed oral sex on him many times. Since we have gotten together he has performed oral sex on me maybe 2-3 times, and to be honest he doesn't know what he is doing. I also don't want to point it out to him either, I do guide him though. I just feel that he is not into fourplay as much as I am.
It would be great if we did fourplay for the first 15-20 minutes first. And it's not that he is in a rush, but he says he just can't hold it back and that it feels so good to him. It also doesn't help that I lie to him when I tell him I enjoyed it and that I finished (when i didnt) I tell him that because I dont want him to feel like he failed or make him start thinking I would leave him because of this. The only time he has made me finish is when he was giving me oral sex.
I really like him so this is not going to be a huge deal with me, since I have no one to compare him to - its not like I can complain. But yeah I guess I just have to take care of myself after he is done lol We also have a hard time talking about sex, that is definitely something we need to work on...
Last edited by Diamond Baby; 01-24-2006 at 05:45 PM.
If you aren't honest and dont tell him what he needs to do, sex will never be any better. The longer you "fake" it, the harder its going to be to tell him. You REALLY need to bring it up, if your close at all it shouldnt even be an awkward conversation
You are right, I need to bring it up next time Im with him. I want to enjoy being intimate with him and I think that will make our relationship complete.
Can one of you guys please let me know how you would react if your girlfriend confronted you with this? I just need to know what sort of reaction to look for. I really dont want to hurt him, and if I did, I know he wouldn't say how he felt. He would probably joke about it and not take it serious.
Another problem is that since he knows im on birth control, he doesnt want to use a condom. I told him that next time there will be no intercourse unless he has a condom with him, he laughed and said he would have it next time...next time was an excuse the last 2 times. I also think he would last longer if he wore one. Im not asking for too much, I trust that he is clean I just don't want to take any chances at getting pregnant.
Ok, you need to tell him that you're not getting much out of whatever is going on now, ask for more foreplay, and tell him that a condom would keep you both safe from pregnancy as well as make him last longer, which would feel better for you. If he doesnt bring a condom, then actually follow through and DONT HAVE SEX WITH HIM because if you do, he'll know that you will just do whatever he wants even if he is irresponsible. By cutting of sex you can make him do whatever you want...if you threaten him with that but then don't follow through he'll never tak you seriously.
I dont know what your boyfriend is like....if it were me i would be mortified already because i really want it to be good for my faince, and i would do whatever she wanted. It really depends on what kind of guy he is as far as his reaction. If he blows you off then that just means he doesnt care about you he only cares about his penis. If he cares about what YOU get out of sex then he will give you what you want...you may just have to help him a little. It sounds like you've been really timid about this...DO NOT fake it because the reason he's blowing you off now is because he THINKS he's pleasing you...you're making him think that. Just please talk to him and tell him that you're not getting enough.
PS about the condoms, if he's a jerk about it he will complain a lot about how it feels soo much better without one, but its actually not that big of a deal. I always wear one even though she's on the pill. It's not worth the risk, and if you tell him you won't have sex with him anymore unless he wears one and ACTUALLY FOLLOW THROUGH then he'll start carying them.
My boyfriend and I are in our mid 30's, we are both divorcees and have children, but talking about sex is still NOT easy. Especially if there is the possibility of hurting the other person's feelings (or ego). So, we've had our share of frank conversation about our issues.
But, sex is too good a thing to just give it away without getting anything in return. This is the time to learn together. He may not be happy at first, but he'll thank you in the long run.
thorpe, thanks for the advice. I am a little scared about bringing it up. I don't want it to feel like Im forcing him to things he doesn't want to do (such as longer fourplay) I love making him feel good, and I want him to feel the same way towards me.
I also understand Im not making things better by "faking it" I will let him know that I would want it more often if he got me to orgasm before we had intercourse...then maybe he will understand. He is 27 by the way and Im 20, I don't know if that makes a difference. He is mature enough to know what I need, but I guess I have been waiting for him to realize it without me telling him.
The problem is that you've been faking, so he already thinks he's doing everything you need. Thats great that you love making him feel good, but does he love making you feel good or does he just want to take and not give?
PS the fact that he's older doesn't mean he knows what you need.
Whoa, when I first started reading this thread, I imagined an inexperienced 20 year old male. But he is 27 and still doesn't know his own body? Controlling the time of ejaculation is very possible and every guy should know how. Especially by his age. Sexual intercourse and climaxing are really two separate things for a guy. I'm a few years younger than him, but I learned early on that it's actually quite easy to thoroughly enjoy sex without the fear of ejaculating too soon. For me, it is like a switch in my mind that can go from intercourse mode to orgasming mode. IMO, it is every man's duty to last at least long enough for the woman to attain one or two orgasms (at a minimum) before letting himself go. Infact, I'm not sure I could even make myself orgasm if the woman I was with hadn't yet. It would be like telling myself to pee in my pants! You just can't do it! (since you are mentally conditioned to always pee in a toilet...at least I hope so )
Last edited by justinluck; 01-25-2006 at 02:53 PM.
some guys are just to senstive , if he is getting the erge to ejaculate and can't hold it or control it then he has no choice but let it go....
I think if the lady ask him to try to last longer that it feels good during but a couple minutes is not enough to ful-fill her sexual desire/pleasure...while he's inside her, if he thinks she has orgasms then he has to think everything is fine.....
a few pointers for you to suggest to him...have him masterbate a hour or so before you guys get intimate and have intercourse....if that don't seem to work just do it bout ever time eventually he will last longer.
while he masterbates and he feels the erge then stop for a couple mintues then start up the stop the start up go bout 3 or 4 times then he needs to let go but actually he's trainning his penis to let go when he wants it to.
this is a debation but it work for me and I know it don't feel the same with a hand grip around it and not a gripping vagina..theres is obviously a difference.
I use to be a mintue man myself myg/f body was so sexy tan and it just turn me on because she was so hot...but thats been a few years ....now I last over and hour if I want to but I usally do it after my g/f has at least did a couple of orgasm....she is very sensitive down there after she has her orgasm
yeah I masterbated to learn to control my ejaculations.
Iv read allll of these posts and my opinion is this. First of all sex is greeaaaaat. Only if ur completely comfortable with ur partner. Communication is key. U shud try to take the upperhand. Surprise him maybe, take control. Be on top and evertime he says hes gonna, stop. tease him. make him earn it. Why dont u carry som condoms so when he says he doesnt have one u can say "guess what!! I do!!" Or, ur not gonna want to hear this...but u are young. There is an entire world out there for u to explore. Youl find it pleasing one day, watch. And dont listen to ur friends cuz its very hard to orgasm with vaginal intercourse, but it can still feel good. Some women never even do, but will never admit it. If hes 27 and he's like this, maybe he just figures u dont know any different and thats not right. Im tellin u girl!! Ul be fine!
It's really great and refreshing that you've been so honest with us here and shared the way you're feeling about all this. I hope some of the advice that you've received has been helpful, and I also hope that your sex life improves soon and that you start getting more pleasure out of sex with your BF. Did he know you were a virgin, by the way? It sounds like he's being a selfish and pretty incompetant lover, but it could just be that he doesn't know any better. Being 27 doesn't necessarily mean he has any clue what to do in bed or how to please a woman, though you'd think he'd figure out that he's not getting the job done, but there are still plenty of men out there who are still virgins in their late twenties, so let's give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he just doesn't know how to be a generous, sensitive lover who pleases his partner.
But sweetie, that really needs to change, because your sex life should be enjoyable and satisfying for you...if it's not, you should work on it, because it's worth doing just about anything to have great sex! You should definitely be enjoying sex because you know you can have orgasms with him and, I presume, on your own, assuming that he spends enough time pleasuring you and gets enough guidance on how to do so successfully. Seriously, you deserve to get pleasure from sex, just as you are so generously providing your man with pleasure, and since he is your first partner and you are clearly doing a good job of pleasing him, there's no excuse for him failing in his duty to make sure you are sexually fulfilled!
First, I would recommend the book, "The Multi-Orgasmic Couple," which devotes a lot of attention to teaching a man first how to prolong sex and hold back on an orgasm rather than give in at the first urge and not experience as much pleasure as he could otherwise, then to be able to have at least one orgasm before he ejaculates during a subsequent orgasm. Many men at first believe this isn't possible, but I've seen it work in several different partners, and it's merely a matter of practicing and demonstrating some discipline, even for guys who aren't naturally inclined to last very long in bed. Second, you HAVE to stop faking it, because thorpe is 100% right that your BF now is inexperienced and clueless enough about sex to actually think he's satisfying you, as hard as that may be to believe. Don't be harsh and tell him you were faking before, which will kill his ego, which I'm sure isn't too strong where sex is concerned anyway, as he has to know that he's not exactly lasting a long time. But you NEED to let him know gently, preferably outside the bedroom, that you'd enjoy sex much more if he'd spend more time on foreplay. Telling him that you'd definitely want to have sex more often if he'd make sure you were fully turned on and had at least one orgasm before starting intercourse is probably the best way to persuade him.
And most importantly, always, always use a condom, and you should definitely start making him wear one regardless of his protests, because it will delay his orgasm and will also protect you...please don't ever "trust" a guy not to give you a STD because even if they swear they are uninfected with anything, a lot of times guys don't have symptoms and won't even know they can be passing along something. "Trusting" just one guy one time and having sex without a condom can give you HIV and literally kill you, so please, never again get sexually involved with a partner who isn't wearing a condom...they can protest all they want about their pleasure not being as intense with a condom, but that is just immature and childish whining and is absolutely NO excuse for allowing them to get away with risking your life or possibly giving you a virus like herpes which can never be cured, never goes away, and can be passed along at any time. I don't want to scare you, but I really hope that from here on out you absolutely insist on always using a condom--which is also important to protect you against pregnancy in addition to your birth control, which isn't always foolproof--and make sure that you FOLLOW THROUGH. If sex isn't that great anyway right now, it shouldn't be hard for you to outright refuse to have intercourse unless he is wearing a condom, and maybe that would even help teach him the importance of performing oral sex on you often and more skillfully? I hope so!
How he responds to your efforts to communicate about your sexual needs will show you a lot about whether or not he will be a loving, caring partner both in and out of the bedroom. If he is too repressed or stubborn to do anything differently, he is either incapable or unwilling to potentially sacrifice any of his own pleasure for the sake of his partner's satisfaction, and if that is the case, you will ultimately be much happier with a more unselfish, mature, and generous lover. Most men, though, genuinely want to be good lovers, but they have little idea how to accomplish this, especially if they have seen a lot of porn, which depicts women as enjoying everything men do to them, most of which isn't really what most women like. So hopefully, as long as you don't approach the topic as if you are criticizing him, he will be open and amenable to implementing your suggestion that you will be much happier and want sex more if he spends more time on foreplay and satisfying you before you start having intercourse (and he should be given absolutely no choice about using condoms)! I'd advise only bringing up one change at a time so as not to overwhelm him, make him insecure, and make it obvious that you aren't currently enjoying sex with him. I'd also order the book I mentioned above online and ask him if he will try the techniques it describes with you in order to enhance both of your pleasure during sex...I have a hard time imagining that a guy would turn down that idea! From there, gradually introduce things that you would find more enjoyable and perceive as improvements, and please don't ever be afraid to speak up about your needs and desires in bed! As long as you're going to have sex, you should enjoy it as much as possible, and any man worthy of being your partner will want to ensure this because good, caring men insist on pleasing their partners and being unselfish, giving lovers. I hope some of this helps--good luck with everything and best wishes!