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Old 04-06-2006, 08:16 AM   #1
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Stephanie531 HB User
Non-Existent Female Libido

My libido is like a negative 10 on a scale of 1 - 10. Have been with my husband for almost 3 years. (married only since this past November) Sex life was great for the first 6 months of dating, then after that it slowed up a bit and now it's down to hardly ever. It's not his fault as he has quite a high sex drive. I am the one that is just not into it. Never. I have no idea what happened. Is there anything out there that can help a woman with this problem? I'm only 33 years old and this should not be happening. I have always been such a sexual person. Very sexual as a matter of fact. I have had my hormones tested etc. and everything checked out just fine. I just feel so bad for my husband as it's putting a strain on our relationship.

What's going on with me?

 
Old 04-07-2006, 10:26 AM   #2
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cuRIOUsLexy HB User
Re: Non-Existent Female Libido

If physically you are healthy and went to the doctor and everything checked out fine, then this is most likely a mental issue. Have you had kids recently? Have you had a recent family trauma? How are things going in the relationship with your husband? Any new career change? You need to look at every aspect of your life and the relationship with your husband. If everything is going perfect and you adore your husband and your life is great, then maybe this is just a stage. Wait a couple of more weeks, then see your doctor again if nothing changes. It could be that youre just tired of the "same ol", and you need to change things up a bit, like sexual role playing, or bringing in "toys" to the bedroom.

 
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Old 04-07-2006, 10:50 AM   #3
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desertdweller HB User
Re: Non-Existent Female Libido

Are you are birth control pills? Has your desire ended completely, or just for your husband?

 
Old 04-10-2006, 09:28 AM   #4
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Re: Non-Existent Female Libido

The desire has ended entirely, therefore I know it has nothing to do with my husband. I was on the pill, but only for 6 months and stopped. This started before the pill, so I also know that was not the cause. I have no children and have had the same job for over 10 years. This really makes no sense as I have been such a sexual person throughout my life, with no troubles whatsoever.

Here's the strange thing: I noticed that desires began to dwindle 2 years ago when we decided to move in together. Since then, we got engaged and married. Could that have really messed me up somehow??

 
Old 04-10-2006, 10:06 AM   #5
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cookiepls HB User
Re: Non-Existent Female Libido

I understand your frustration. I was in my mid 30's when my libido kicked the bucket. I have no sexual desire at all any more. On a scale of 1-10, mine would be a minus 10 too. At first I thought it was hormones. It wasn't. Then I thought it was my job. It wasn't. I don't have that job anymore. I don't know what it is, but nothing I've tried has helped at all. I've tried prescription creams, Steel Libido for women, herbs, vitamins. My husband even bought me some sex toys. If he wants us to use them, we will, but otherwise they just gather dust. I know it's not my husband either. I have the absolute best!

The only thing I can suggest is what I do, though I don't know if you want to do that. I make love with my husband any time he wants to. I even initiate it occasionally. I don't ever want him to feel like he's not desireable to me. He is. I'm still able to orgasm, but nothing gets me in the mood. Absolutely nothing. If I never had sex again, I'd be okay with it. It's sad, but still, I just can't see denying my husband or making him feel bad because I'm not interested. He's too good to me to do that to him.

I don't know what else to suggest you try. I honestly don't know if getting married is what did it for you or if it's emotional or psychological. I wish there was a magic pill we could take to bring back that desire. Although, I haven't tried that pill for women they've been advertising. I don't know what it's called, but I guess it's supposed to be the female equivalent of Viagra for men. I don't have insurance anymore so I won't be trying it any time soon. (sigh) Has anyone else tried it?

 
Old 04-10-2006, 10:13 AM   #6
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chevyman HB User
Re: Non-Existent Female Libido

Quote:
Originally Posted by Stephanie531
The desire has ended entirely, therefore I know it has nothing to do with my husband. I was on the pill, but only for 6 months and stopped. This started before the pill, so I also know that was not the cause. I have no children and have had the same job for over 10 years. This really makes no sense as I have been such a sexual person throughout my life, with no troubles whatsoever.

Here's the strange thing: I noticed that desires began to dwindle 2 years ago when we decided to move in together. Since then, we got engaged and married. Could that have really messed me up somehow??
Maybe it did '' something''to you when you guys moved in togather?
when you guys get intimate is he full-filling your desires ''satisfying you?
is he the one to start the session?
maybe the passion as died down a little with you? maybe your hitting menoapause at an earily stage in your life? if you lost your ''desire'' for love making then maybe you have lost your desire to be with him?...have you had fantsy bout being with some one else?
does sex feel good to you anymore?

 
Old 04-10-2006, 10:49 AM   #7
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Destea HB User
Re: Non-Existent Female Libido

Sadly, I too can relate - and I'm only *25*. Been with the fiance for 3 years, the first year and a half was pretty sexually busy and I was interested but now I don't think even Brad Pitt could get me interested. As the poster before said, if I never had sex again I wouldn't lose any sleep over it. My fiance is great in bed, very fulfilling, but I'm not interested in sex at all, even with orgasms I really couldn't care less than I do right now. This hasn't changed for about a year. I still go for it probably 2- 3 times a week, but typically because I'm not into it I just wait for it to be over, fiance has a high drive and it's no short ride if you know what I mean. Sometimes I actually feel impatient for it to end O.o he's great in bed, don't know what the deal is, but because I'm so not into sex it doesn't seem to matter what's going on, I can't get into it.

Sucks. I really do wish there was a magic pill to fix the libido problem, but my hormone levels are fine, I don't fantasize about other men, and sexually my fiance is great - I just don't care for sex. Granted I had some childhood trauma's, in fact sex in general is just kinda blah to me, but I love 'intimacy' on any other level - sex just feels like a chore, I don't get turned on by it.

Wish I had more to help, but ... I guess at least we're not alone?!

 
Old 04-10-2006, 11:46 AM   #8
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chevyman HB User
Re: Non-Existent Female Libido

sounds like you have a ''double stardard'' why on earth do you say your not interested in sex and then have sexual realtions one to three times a week? is that to just please your partner?
Its true you may not having any feelings for sex and you can go without it, but
why not seek counsel and figure out why you lost your desires or why you don't have any form of sex drive, it could be something really simple, but to have sex just because you think you need to please your partner is wrong.
it needs to be right and good for both partners. if you think being intimate with the one you love is a ''chore'' and your only doing it for your partner.....then you need to seek pro's help.

 
Old 04-10-2006, 01:52 PM   #9
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cookiepls HB User
Re: Non-Existent Female Libido

Quote:
Originally Posted by chevyman
....but to have sex just because you think you need to please your partner is wrong.
I respectfully disagree with you Chevyman. I see a partnership as give and take. We don't always have to feel like it, and we don't always have to do it. But to never do something because we don't feel like it is taking the other person for granted.

If my husband completely stopped giving me back rubs, or going to yard sales with me, or shopping, etc., because he never felt like it, I would feel like he only cared about himself. I know these aren't his favorite things to do but he does them out of love and respect.

If I stopped having sex with him, stopped cooking, or stopped doing his laundry because I didn't feel like it, then it might feel to him that I only care about myself. I may not enjoy these things, but I do it out of love and respect. A loving couple tries to meet each other's needs when possible and within bounderies. That's just my view.

 
Old 04-10-2006, 02:13 PM   #10
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Destea HB User
Re: Non-Existent Female Libido

Haha, not sure how that relates to a 'double standard'? I'd have to respectfully disagree as well. As the above poster described, love is give and take. I'm already seeing a professional, and have been for some time, but that hasn't 'fixed' or changed my sex drive. That doesn't mean I can rightfully just deny my partner his wants and needs. It's true that about 8 times out of 10 I could really care less, but that doesn't mean I don't want him to be happy. It doesn't make me "unhappy", I'm just not as into it, but if it makes him happy and isn't hurting me any I don't see what the big deal is. If I denied him completely that'd be pretty selfish, when you are ready to marry someone you realize that you're agreeing to do your best to meet their needs within reason, I don't think what I'm doing by having a sexual relationship with my fiance is unreasonable, when you promise yourself to someone you SHOULD have a sexual relationship.

*shrug*

Last edited by Destea; 04-10-2006 at 02:16 PM.

 
Old 04-10-2006, 02:52 PM   #11
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Halls HB User
Re: Non-Existent Female Libido

I respectfully disagree as well.

I dated my husband for 9 months when we found out I was pg and got married quickly! We had sex almost every time we were together in that 9 months and our drives and passion for one another were way over a 10! 2 Weeks or so before our wedding(right after we found out I was pg) my sex drive and desire for my husband went down the tubes. To make matters worse, I miscarried our child right after we wed. I bled and bled and we couldn't have sex anyways and it was a nightmare.

Here we are 6 years later and it is still a struggle for me to desire sex with my husband at all. When I was pg with out now 4 year old son we went without having sex 6 months of my pg by my choice. It was so strange! However, we now have sex 4x a month give or take. Yes, this doesn't seem like much but we do it usually once on the weekends. Sometimes I want to, especially right before I start my period or right after, but as soon as I ovulate all sexual desire is gone so I think for me some of it is hormonal.

Not all of it is though. I don't find my husband as attractive as I used to. It isn't to say that I don't have any desire for him at all, just less. He hasn't changed that much, but I would never cheat on him and I don't spend time thinking about other men! Ocassionaly I see a good looking guy and a thought passes me by but I drop it quickly and move on. But even my happily married friends do the same thing so I think that is normal.

I have found that giving my husband sex when he is crying out for it badly is the best thing I can do forour relationship and him. I don't crave sex, but as soon as we start I get into it and have an orgasm most of the time as well. I have found it helps us get along better and are happier overall in life.

I just think about what Love really means. It is a choice,not a feeling. I chose my husband and damnit I won't ever give up on him, he hasn't given up on me. We are work in progress and I hope that we will have closer moments together in the future.

 
Old 04-10-2006, 03:16 PM   #12
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chevyman HB User
Re: Non-Existent Female Libido

Quote:
Originally Posted by Destea
Haha, not sure how that relates to a 'double standard'? I'd have to respectfully disagree as well. As the above poster described, love is give and take. I'm already seeing a professional, and have been for some time, but that hasn't 'fixed' or changed my sex drive. That doesn't mean I can rightfully just deny my partner his wants and needs. It's true that about 8 times out of 10 I could really care less, but that doesn't mean I don't want him to be happy. It doesn't make me "unhappy", I'm just not as into it, but if it makes him happy and isn't hurting me any I don't see what the big deal is. If I denied him completely that'd be pretty selfish, when you are ready to marry someone you realize that you're agreeing to do your best to meet their needs within reason, I don't think what I'm doing by having a sexual relationship with my fiance is unreasonable, when you promise yourself to someone you SHOULD have a sexual relationship.

respectfully I accept you disagreement...
well to me saying one thing and then doing another thats contradictive thats a ''double standard'' I realize at times a woman just don't feel like having sex thats a normal thing I suppose...for what ever reasons...but to have a sex drive that was thriving and all of a sudden it stops?...and to please your partner/just lay there and grin and bear it? just not to be selfesh is not a very good sex life in my opinion...I would not ask or want my g/f to have sex with me if she was not into it or didn't like it and thought of it as just a chore./or to just please my needs..I think more of love than that...and she does too....besides I never have to ask for it.
ITS TRUE LOVE IS GIVE AND TAKE ( NORMALLY.) but not never having a sex drive is not normal at that age.

HALLS ...> MADE THE MOST SENSE OUT OFF ALL THIS, and I'm sorry to hear that you miscarried..that is a tough one.

*shrug*

 
Old 04-10-2006, 03:42 PM   #13
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Re: Non-Existent Female Libido

It may not be normal to never have a sex drive, but it's very common, especially in women. Until the medical community can come up with something better than what they have to offer now, we women just have to deal with it as best we can. How many years would you be willing to do without sex if something happened to your girlfriend that prevented her from having it, or caused her to lose her desire for it? Would you still be happy and faithful to her? It can happen to any woman, and too often, no medical or psychological reason can be found.

I can't speak for anyone else here, but I don't just lay there and grin and bear it. LOL That wouldn't be pleasing to my husband in the least. I still enjoy sex while we're having it, I'm just never in the mood to get started.

 
Old 04-10-2006, 04:46 PM   #14
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chevyman HB User
Re: Non-Existent Female Libido

Quote:
Originally Posted by cookiepls
It may not be normal to never have a sex drive, but it's very common, especially in women. Until the medical community can come up with something better than what they have to offer now, we women just have to deal with it as best we can. How many years would you be willing to do without sex if something happened to your girlfriend that prevented her from having it, or caused her to lose her desire for it? Would you still be happy and faithful to her? It can happen to any woman, and too often, no medical or psychological reason can be found.

I can't speak for anyone else here, but I don't just lay there and grin and bear it. LOL That wouldn't be pleasing to my husband in the least. I still enjoy sex while we're having it, I'm just never in the mood to get started.
I'm not sure what I would do if she lost her sex drive? but I don't think I would cheat or be unfaithful either...I guess she would be like you said ''we women just have to deal with it the best you can'' but its also about men being comfortable with it..to me I probably wouldn't be a happy man if that ever happen to us/not saying that sex is the only thing that makes me happy but it has a lot to do with it. but I'd sure try to stay by her side until something did come up medically..if thats years then so be it...I just don't know what I would do to be honest with you....I love sex and her to much to even think bout that...lol and no I'm not meaning for her to just lay there and grin and bear it either...lol....give and take for better or worse right...humm?

Last edited by chevyman; 04-10-2006 at 04:57 PM.

 
Old 04-11-2006, 11:49 AM   #15
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Stephanie531 HB User
Re: Non-Existent Female Libido

Cookiepls and Destea.........it's nice to know it's not just me!!! I also wish there were a little pill we could all take and make things right again. Why the sex drive just stops, I have no idea. The human body can be a very annoying thing sometimes. If any of you find a solution to this........PLEASE let me know!!! Thanks again for your responses.

 
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