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Old 04-17-2006, 10:38 PM   #1
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who was the third partner?

I have been in a relationship for 4 years and my partner was the first guy that I have ever had sex with. He has had sex with 3 other women other than me and I only know two of their names and he won't share the third. I have asked him for years for her name but he still won't tell me and jokes as if its a game and says that I don't have to know. For example, he says that it was my best friend and then laughs. I have been completely open and honest with him about every aspect about my past with men.

Tonight I told him that I need to know because I feel as though I deserve to and have the right. I also said that I should have refused to lose my virginity to him until he told me who the third person was. He claims that he can tell me but he wont and that I should just trust him. My response was how can I trust him if he is not willing to be open on such a big topic. I don't want to know every sexual position he has tried or anything. I just want to know for my safety. I also told him that its really hurting me that he wont tell me. He became silent on the phone and then I asked what he was doing and he said that he was waiting for me to stop talking so that he could get back to his homework. I said, "fine, I don't want to bother you so Ill talk to you later." He was very insensitive from that point on.

What should I do?

Last edited by taisa; 04-17-2006 at 10:44 PM.

 
Old 04-18-2006, 05:23 AM   #2
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Re: who was the third partner?

Quote:
Originally Posted by taisa
Tonight I told him that I need to know because I feel as though I deserve to and have the right. I also said that I should have refused to lose my virginity to him until he told me who the third person was. He claims that he can tell me but he wont and that I should just trust him. My response was how can I trust him if he is not willing to be open on such a big topic. I don't want to know every sexual position he has tried or anything. I just want to know for my safety. I also told him that its really hurting me that he wont tell me. He became silent on the phone and then I asked what he was doing and he said that he was waiting for me to stop talking so that he could get back to his homework. I said, "fine, I don't want to bother you so Ill talk to you later." He was very insensitive from that point on.

What should I do?
You're not going to like my answer, but I think you're totally wrong on this one. You do not have the right to know. You don't own him, nor were you going out with him at the time he was with those other partners. How should you trust him? You just do. It's trust.

I think that for him to have shown such good humor about it for so long is pretty admirable, and maybe tonight he's just getting fed up. Really, what you're doing showing a very unattractive side of yourself and it could damage this relationship if you don't let up.

(Also, knowing the name of this person will not effect 'your safety'. This is just an excuse you're using. Think about it.)

 
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Old 04-18-2006, 06:29 AM   #3
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Re: who was the third partner?

Yes I agree with the above poster. Although I can see where you are coming from, in reality even if he gave a name, what makes you so sure you would know that person anyway? also, if you did know that person, then to be extra safe you would then have to find out about all the people they had also slept with.

Maybe he had a drunkard night out, and he doesn't have a name, thats not unusual, its seems to me that may be the case, but he doesn't want to say that, as he knows from the way you are acting, you would be disaapointed with that answer.

He is trying to make a joke out of it to keep it llighthearted, as really you are being a bit unrealistic here.

Remember you have been with him some time, if he had caught anything from these THREE women you would of already known about it by now.

I think you should drop it really.

 
Old 04-18-2006, 12:13 PM   #4
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Re: who was the third partner?

I think you do have the right to know and I don't know why he won't just tell you. Obviously, it is important to you to know and he should respect that....it seems as though he is hiding something. You should approach it in a nonjudgmental way and make him feel as though you won't judge him. And tell him that you won't come down on him for whoever it is. Maybe he'll tell if he thinks you won't act like it is a big deal.

 
Old 04-18-2006, 02:08 PM   #5
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Re: who was the third partner?

I would never tell my current BF or any other BF exact names of those I've been intimate with.

If you've both been tested, clean, etc. what does it matter?

I'm a firm believer that you should not discuss EXACTS of past relationships. What good does it do?

And I also seriously doubt it's for "your health", you've been together for 4 years.

I think you just WANT to know and it's killing you not to. Obviously, there's a reason he doesn't want to tell you .....maybe he's embarrased ....maybe it's a bad "thought" for him ....all kinds of reasons.

I wouldn't push it.

 
Old 04-18-2006, 04:30 PM   #6
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Re: who was the third partner?

Thanks Nancy30 for your view especially because I felt so alone on this one.

Its also good to hear everyone elses views on things, thanks for your time.

He called me up last night and appologised for being mean to me on the phone. He said that he would write me an email and he made it sound like he realizes why I would like to know.

I don't want to frown at him for who it was, its just something I feel like I deserve to know if we were to get married because we are so serious together. I have shared all my past dealings with others(he did probe me for them) and I am also very spiritial. If I knew who it was or didn't know who it was, I wouldn't react in a different manner, I would just say, ok now I know and I can continue with my everyday matters with him. He said he isn't embarrased either but he hasn't been tested. He said that he has never been on one night stands and that the ones he slept with were the ones he went out with.

 
Old 04-19-2006, 10:46 AM   #7
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Re: who was the third partner?

Hi Taisa, I'm a 21-year-old male who is here for impotence advice. I know that my current girlfriend has been with three guys before me. I know who two of them are even though we've never talked about past sex partners. A woman who writes sex/relationship books Tracy Cox says it best. It is none of your business to know who or how many partners a person had. It is only going to lead to problems. [off topic] She goes on to talk about how the number of partners means nothing, that if a woman had 20 partners, it could be because she had two 6-month relationships every year from 18-28 and that another could have had 3 partners that were all bar hook-ups. The number means nothing. What is important is that you love each other. However, on the other side of the coin, from a man's perspective, he probably isn't telling you because he is hiding something, even if it is something small. Perhaps it is one of your friends. Or perhaps it's someone who's not very attractive. But again, is it going to make you feel any better if you find out he did sleep with one of your friends?

 
Old 04-19-2006, 04:15 PM   #8
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Re: who was the third partner?

Wouldn't be better if you didn't know? why is that so important to you? you still have his trust even if he don't tell you, he told you he had sex with three other women, if you just want to know for safty reasons? go to a DR get check for everything and ask him to go to. maybe that will make you feel better. because if you did know that could end your relationship. your lucky actually...what if there had been about 100 other girls he had sex with.

 
Old 04-19-2006, 04:19 PM   #9
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Re: who was the third partner?

For me, as long as my partner is clean, I would prefer not knowing who he's slept with or how many girls he's slept with. He had a life before me, just like I had a life before him.

 
Old 04-19-2006, 05:05 PM   #10
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Re: who was the third partner?

Hey everyone,

even if he slept with one of my friends (which is totally not the reason why he isn't telling me), I would like to know because my gut tells me that I totally deserve to know. Its not like I am going to beat him up or dump him if it was someone I knew, I will just feel at ease knowing that he would be willing to open his life to me. I shared with him everyone that I was with even though I had never had sex before him. Even if I wasn't a virgin, I would have told him because I don't believe in being permiscuous as I am a Christian.

I did meet him through some friends of mine and we have lived in the same town all of our lives as well. If he was with more than 3 partners, I would not have gone for him in the first place because when I was a virgin, limited partners was important as I believe in monogomy. I don't like to date around, I want to find my companion that I can be with for the rest of my life.

 
Old 04-19-2006, 05:47 PM   #11
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You live in a small town and the reason you want to know is because you may know the woman he slept with. Is that it? No, it is not your right to know who he slept with because it was before your time. You are all that matters to him, not his pass affairs. You should really get a grip, because you may not be ready for the answer. Let dead bones stay dead

Last edited by Mod-S4; 04-20-2006 at 05:15 AM. Reason: This is a health board, not a religion board. Thanks.

 
Old 04-19-2006, 10:55 PM   #12
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I am trying to clean my life up thank you very much, I am not perfect, I don't mean you any harm. I plan on not having sex anymore and waiting for him and I to get married and get baptized when I am ready to but in the mean time I just wanted to hear every ones views so that I could see if there were people that felt the same way as me or not. I didn't come here to get probed and have someone be rude to me and judge my life, your not my father. I don't want any arguments, but I appreciate your advice.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 04-20-2006 at 05:17 AM. Reason: Response to deleted comments removed.

 
Old 04-26-2006, 05:19 AM   #13
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Re: who was the third partner?

What??????? you are all crazy. if hes hiding it, then something is wrong. OF COURSE you deserve to know, in a long term relationship you need to know all sexual history as a matter of protecting yourself. and its pretty rude of him not to tell. obviously its not something u ask straight away, but u need to know. tell him its unacceptable for him to omit that information. besides what if he wasnt joking about it being ur friend etc.

 
Old 04-26-2006, 08:43 AM   #14
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Re: who was the third partner?

Sounds more like a control issue more than anything else.

 
Old 04-26-2006, 09:08 AM   #15
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Re: who was the third partner?

desertdweller you hit the nail on the head......it's a control issue
to the original poster.....it's none of your business, and if you keep pushing the issue you may find yourself alone. Even if he does tell you.....what's next? you will want to know how many times, what positions, where and when, etc......
let sleeping dogs lie.

 
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