toatlly no sex drive - Sexual Health - Women Message Board

hairyj · 05-03-2006, 06:48 AM

Hi to all,
I posted yesterday and i just feel the need to ellaborate on the whole story.
Been with my husband for the last 11 years and have 3 great kids and do have a great marriage, only 1 thing thats letting it down and thats the lack of sex on my behalf. Problem is i never fell like wanting it, i never have.

When we first met the sex was great i suppose thats down to lust, but then when we started to settle down the sex sort of died off to practically non exsistant.! BUt the thing is it never returned for me and i can honestly say it doesnt bother me, but for my husband it does bother him. Its not that i never want have it i suppoose at some times i do. but not has frequent has husband.

The problem is that when hes getting frustrated he gets on at me saying ' why do you never want it?, what do you do when your frustrated?, why dont you come on to me?' you know that sort of thing, and i really feel like im being pressured into it, and then the feeling is that i have been pressured into making love that my hearts not in it and im only doing it just for him to feel better (and i must admit that the atmosphere is a lot better for a while )

So thats the conversation im having with him through tex messges at moment (hes at work) and ive sent that i do feel pressiured and his reply is ' u will not hear me talk about this subject again its ended dont worry i wont ever put pressure on you again after 11 years i thought their would be some attraction.'
So now what do i do? Do i make love to him knowing thats emotional blackmail or hold out until im ready for it? ( god knows when that would be!!)

Or if anybody got any ideas for any female sexual enhancers! or even what i should do any thoughts are all welcome

thanks

StenoLady1 · 05-03-2006, 08:31 AM

First, rule out anything medical. Have you discussed this with your ob/gyn AND family doc? I say this because I talked to my ob/gyn for years about this, and he just sort of waved me off. When I mentioned this to my PCP, he did all kinds of blood tests and just seemed more concerned and thorough in an effort to rule out any hormonal imbalances.

Second, are you on any kind of hormonal birth control? It's not just the pill nowadays that contains hormones. If you are, discuss alternate non-hormonal BC with your ob/gyn. The pill killed my libido...I mean killed it. I got more enjoyment out of rubbing my forearm than sex for years.

If none of these things apply to you, and you are in love your husband, in love with your marriage, everything else is what you want and are otherwise happy, counseling is an option. You could try things yourself to get that "spark" back. These boards helped me tremendously. I just read and read and read, lol. I got off the pill, picked a Saturday night, bought a few nice bottles of wine, made a really nice, romantic dinner, watched Lady & the Tramp (I'm a Disney romantic) and initiated sex myself. This was after two years of not having sex..even before the two years, it was maybe once a year for us. DH was truly blown away and so happy.

I did it again the next weekend. And the next. At first, it felt kind of weird and new, but it's been about six weeks now and we're starting to feel like a normal couple again. I hate to use the words "force myself," but I just knew I needed to do something. My DH has always done everything in his power to keep me happy, and I just felt I owed him the same.

There is hope! We've been enjoying our Saturday nights so much, I think I'd like to add a weeknight in there, too

Try and remember way back when what things used to turn you on (wine, dinner out, movies, whatever you are/were into), and pick a "good night" to incorporate a few of these things to help you get into the mood. Honestly, for me, it was the change in DH the next day. He stood taller, smiled more, touched me more, had a sort of skip in his steps, held my hand again, blushed a lot. I really loved seeing him so happy and so loving, so I figure I can do this!

BTW, we're in our mid 30s, no kids, met in '91 and married in '98. I switched to a different type of pill right after our wedding which I think affected the libido. Whenever I'd mention this to the ob/gyn, he'd say it's a common thing right after marrige

Good luck and keep me posted

ladybyrd92 · 06-13-2006, 06:21 PM

omg I could have written that one myself lol My husband And I just celebrated our 14th anniversary this week. WE have 3 kids. I love my husband with all my heart. I just don't have the drive that he does. I do get the urge sometimes ( but very rarely). HE doesn't understand why I don't. He thinks there is something wrong with me. He has asked me to talk to my Dr. about hormonal embalance but in order to do that I have to tell my DR. The reason lol and thats kinda embarresing. I think if hubby showed me attention other times things might change. He want to watch EVERY freakin sport on tv. then he has to watch the pre game......the game itself..then the post game show. Then he expects lights out and get down to it. I've triend watching a game with him but I don't understand the stuff and he gets mad when I ask him questions. He's not a romantic person at alllllll. I am. I like candles and flowers and perfume. so hun you aren't alone. I don't think its all us either lol the men quit woo-ing when the married us. They should try to be more romantic with us...why should it be US who always plan the romantic things????? The world won't end if they miss ONE football game or Nascar race lol

JinL · 06-14-2006, 07:03 AM

BC pills, anti-depressants, & low testosterone can all kill the sex drive.

Read Suzane Somers book, "The sexy years". It explains most of the female sex problems & how to correct them.

lynn82 · 06-14-2006, 08:04 AM

there are herbs that boost your sex drive. i know of one called damiana. i think it actually works.