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Old 09-03-2006, 06:29 AM   #1
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Sexless Marriage & Infidelity

I am 38 yo, workout regularly and take very good care of myself. Most people consider me very attractive & I work in a well-respected and well-paying job. My husband is older than me (50 yo) and is very accomplished. My husband has no interest in sex but is still very affectionate with me (which is almost worse). He has a history of depression but says that the antidepressants make his sex drive worse. We tried counselling & ended up fighting about what we told the counsellor. He is not cheating--I am certain. This has been going on for years & I am at my wit's end. We have not had sex in almost a year, but have had some minor foreplay. I am so attracted to him but am starting to resent him & feel frustrated. I am sick of the feeling of rejection & isolation and talking about it only leads to fighting. I feel so lonely, but no one that knows us would ever guess & seem to think we have a perfect relationship. But for the sex, we have a great friendship and do everything together. It kills me when friends call late at night & hope they didn't interrupt anything. I wish!!! I am at the point where I am seriously considering cheating with someone I have know for years. We have been talking alot, etc. and are making plans to spend more time together. I know I am flirting with danger but can't seems to wait any longer for my marriage to change. I have even considered whether to get divorced. If he catches me cheating, we will probably get divorced. But, I would rather avoid divorce if I could just have my need for intimacy met. Any suggestions?

 
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Old 09-03-2006, 09:49 AM   #2
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chevyman HB User
Re: Sexless Marriage & Infidelity

hi,
I understand what your saying, you are in a bad situation thats forsure.
Its going to be hard for anyone to help you out on these boards because this is something that your going to have to work out with your hubby. Infidility is the wrong way to handel this... thats just a basic drastic measure and your thinking bout your needs of wanting to be pleasured sexually in my opinion.
if you trully love your hubby and he trully loves you I see no reason why you guys can't work this out.
its obvious your hubby is the one with the sexual hang-up or problem. he needs to addmitt he does and seek more couselling, that will work if he gets the right counslling and listens to the counslers.
you need to ask yourself is ''my deep love for passion worth your marriage?.
maybe until you can get things back togather and get on an intimacy leavel with your hubby, you can please yourself give yourself an orgasm maybe you have been doing that? and you just want the real thing I understand your frustration.
on the subject >''Infidelity'' if your other male friend I'm assuming male? if he makes love to you, then to me that tells me he is ''not a true'' friend becasue he knows that your married and a true friend will not treat another true friend that way...just to sleep with you..sure you guys probably like each others company but to have imtimacy out of marrige I can't see that.
don't let the passion take over your thoughts.
think things through long and hard....if it comes to Divorce....then maybe just maybe you will get your intimacy...but you better think about that too because it can happen all over agian even with your new friend.

You can end this with ''Divorce'' about the intimacy thing, but it will forever be with you the rest of your life darling.
My advise to you is seek more counslling and talk things out togather and don't be talking in the bedroom....talk about it in a mature way and be the Adults that you are.

age factor nah 12 years is not all that uncommon for a true realtionship to work if theres love there! think about it.
I wish you the best and that you do find happinest and being lonely will be just a thing of the past.

 
Old 09-03-2006, 10:18 AM   #3
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Re: Sexless Marriage & Infidelity

Thanks for the advice. I'm not the cheating type, but my self-esteem is taking a major hit. No matter how much I try to look gorgeous or surprise my husband with something special, he has no interest. The man I have been getting close to is a former lover with whom I have never totally broken contact. He has always been a close confidant of mine & I thought the feelings for him were long gone. But, the more we have been talking, the more I miss having someone I can talk openly with and not get into a fight. Everytime my husband & I discuss sex (at my insistence), it becomes an argument. Now, I am so confused that I'm not sure what to do. For the past 5 years, our sex life has been slim to none and I have never cheated. But, now it is almost a year and I am aching to be with a man physically. I have tried to 'take care' of it myself--in fact, that's how I've lasted this long. But it doesn't compare to true physical intimacy with a man. I've tried telling my husband that I am getting deparate and his tells me that he loves me, but has nothing else to give right now. That would be OK if this were a brief period, but I'm starting to give up any hope that it will ever change. Thanks for letting me vent!

 
Old 09-03-2006, 02:32 PM   #4
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chevyman HB User
Re: Sexless Marriage & Infidelity

hi,
I understand darling, I feel your passion.
but you need to realize that just what it is with you .>your passion is driving you out of your mind.

Being lonely is a sad thing to be sure, and I understand how you must feel ...I can certainly relate.
Your in your sexual prime time of your life right now and your not being sexually satisfied and you need it to keep your sanity.

If you feel this strongly about being intimate with a man other than your hubby....Maybe you need to ask for a Divorce? but he would only tell you that he ''loves you''..''what about the years and love togather'' ect,,ect,, what about the kids? if you guys have any togather?

I can't understand why your thinking bout infidelity if you love him? if its just to satisfi your needs then your being selfesh and only thinking bout your needs... then yes seek a Divorce because you can't trully love him if you have other feelings for other men sexual or other wise...period or tell him your not happy you need intimacy and if he can't or wont give it to you then maybe this is the time to end this marriage...??

You don't want to have another romatic realitionship with another man and still be married to your hubby, that will only come back and bite you in the a** someday..and you don't want that believe me.

Let me ask you this, when you and your hubby do make love is it good for you? does he please and satisfy you? Give you the gratifcation that you need? give you the intense sexual pleasures that you want and need?
or you just blind to thte fact that theres other men out there that may please you even more and your curious to that fact?
maybe you have a hiddin problem and your only fooling yourself/maybe not just a thought!

I love sex more than probably anybody but I don't get it when I want it or when I need it.
I have a g/f that tells me I please her to no end and it last her for weeks and I go nuts not having her.
She is like you she dresses up sexually and kinda a tease and and it sure hurts me not being intimate with her ONLY WHEN SHE WANTS IT.
THATS FAR AND INBETWEEN BELIEVE ME.

She makes me want her bad but its only to tease me and say things like you love my body don't you, you want to make love to me don't you and she shows me skin ect,,ect,, and then only to roll over and go to sleep so yes I realize how frustrateing things like this can be.

There is a many many nights I have to please myself and like you I get tired of it and want the real thing.
I have thought about infidelity with a beautiful woman friend of mine but I can't do that because I do love my g/f so that put a stop to that way of thinking....and I know I could have this woman anytime I wanted her.
so I just keep on being miserable I guess you could say because yes I am misereable with my partner too, but I can't just throw all the years away for another woman that I don't love but would love to make love to..if that makes a lick of sense?
If you strongly feel the way you do maybe a DIVORCE is the way for you to go...just be Happy.
Good Luck with your intimacy life.

 
Old 09-03-2006, 03:29 PM   #5
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Re: Sexless Marriage & Infidelity

You have some good points. It sounds like you can relate. You are right that I am being selfish. I know I am being selfish, which is really unlike me. But I think it is at least equally selfish for him to expect me to go without sex for a year!! In the past 5 years, we have probably had sex less than 15 times. I know we have only had it 3 times in the past 2 years because I kept track. Maybe I should just get divorced. We don't have any children, so that is not an issue. I just feel like my life is flying by and I am sitting by waiting for it to change. I can't stand feeling helpless. Everytime we go out, which is often, I get dressed up and hope that he will want me when we get home. Instead, he tells me how pretty I look and then nothing. I guess I have some tough choices to make.

 
Old 09-03-2006, 04:18 PM   #6
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chevyman HB User
Re: Sexless Marriage & Infidelity

Hey who ever said life was fair...go have your affair.

nah,
but you do need to ask your hubby (on good terms) not in a hast or anger but in a decent presenting way..tell him theres some important things you need to dicuss with him(how he makes you feel as a women) the intimacy is not there and that you long for his touch his togatheness, his body sharply pressed aginst yours, you love the way he exzellerates you, he plesures you like no other man can ect,,,ect,, that uslly makes a man feel more manally about them selfs ...more confident.
maybe his self esteen is somewhat lacking also? and if he has a medical problem? that he needs to go check it out and get some help or if its just a mental issue with him? either way he needs to find the problem and your the soulation...sort of speak... you need intimacy and was having thoughts about other men but you love him to much...and you don't want to do that... but when you say that you better duck or run for mommy...lol..nah but you know what I mean here.
and if he don't change then your out the door...and be sure and tell him thats not an alternative suggestion.
see put the ball in his court..see what comes up??
just a second thought.
if you was my woman and your as beautiful as you say you are body and sexy ect,,ect,, and you loved wonderful intimacy I'd be all over you everynight and all night.
what makes you think he is being faitfull to you?

Last edited by chevyman; 09-03-2006 at 04:26 PM.

 
Old 09-03-2006, 10:47 PM   #7
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Re: Sexless Marriage & Infidelity

You know if the roles were reversed here, there would not even be a discussion. A normal, sexual man would not go years without having sex and he would never tolerate that from his wife/GF.....NO WAY! This is as integral to the relationship as communication and money (what therapists say are the top three things in marriage). Does he need Viagra? Will he see a psychiatrist to help diagnose the problem? And don't kid yourself this IS a problem. You must give yourself some sort of timeframe to work it out because you cannot live the rest of your life in an intimate-free, passionless relationship,,,,it just will not work. Please help him get help!

 
Old 09-04-2006, 05:49 AM   #8
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StenoLady1 HB UserStenoLady1 HB User
Re: Sexless Marriage & Infidelity

Has he had his hormones tested?

 
Old 09-04-2006, 03:57 PM   #9
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Mr. Natural HB User
Re: Sexless Marriage & Infidelity

You ever consider that maybe this guy just has a very low natural sex drive and just isn't into it? It might not even be you...it may be him.

 
Old 09-04-2006, 06:48 PM   #10
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Re: Sexless Marriage & Infidelity

Good point Bondgrll. He has gotten ED meds, but never bothers to take them. That's why I get so angry--he doesn't even try to meet my needs. It's enough for him to cuddle and kiss. That's not enough for me and I will not pretend that it is. We had a very active sex life years ago & then it became nonexistent. He tells me all the time that it has nothing to do with me--that he never thinks about anything sexual. He needs to see a psych, but he claims that he is afraid it won't work. I think he is scared to deal with some painful issues (very abusive childhood, etc). I have told him that I cannot stay in this relationship & he promises that I will see a difference soon. He's been saying that for so long that it sounds like empty promises now and I have told him so. I need a concrete plan with a timeline and some action to make the plan a reality. Anything less and I am considering separating from him and pursuing my own needs.

 
Old 09-04-2006, 08:24 PM   #11
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Re: Sexless Marriage & Infidelity

I hate to spoil the discussion with another view. I have a suggestion, just short of seeing someone else. Have you ever asked your hubby about inviting another man over to be intimate with you in your own home..........with hubby present?...............Ask him. I had been cold once, until my wife came to me and said, "if you cannot do your homework, then let your friend do it for you"..........

Once that was a certain possiblity, I woke up and did my homework.
However, as time went by I got hotter and my wife colder. She is unable to be intitmate as much as Id like to. 5 mintues doesnt do it. After a long time, I finally strayed. I filled lots of desires. I fell in love several times, got hurt many times, but I still do it. It became a habit. She still isnt intimate as much, but my needs are fullfilled, not for love, just for sex.

It's hard to be true once you stray. So be certain that is what you want. But a lover can acually 'help' the marriage relationship..........IF you don't get caught........................
The guilt never leaves. And you might get hurt.
Be careful , but be certain in what you want. I would not have gone like that for years. but that is me.
As a man, as a husband if I had that problem, I would gladly invite a friend over or a couple. Perhaps a sex therapist would work for you.
The first thing is to ask your hubby. It may wake him up.........

 
Old 09-05-2006, 11:30 AM   #12
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Re: Sexless Marriage & Infidelity

Be honest: Lying never works (cheating on your husband is going against all your wedding vows).

If you really are having these thoughts tell him how severe it's getting: it's driving you to the point of thinking about cheating on him.

My opinion is that he'd be more willing to change if you told him you were having these thoughts as opposed to him finding out after you acted on them (I know I personally would never forgive someone that had cheated on me...but if they told me they were having thoughts of doing it because of my lack of intimacy I would change).

Please don't do anything drastic. Act your age. Open up the communication with him. Be honest.

 
Old 09-05-2006, 08:23 PM   #13
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Re: Sexless Marriage & Infidelity

My two cents, kj647, leave, divorce. I was married for 5 years, sex every now and then. Nothing to brag to the girls about. You have to understand we never agreeded to marry just for companion, sure we want that, but we want or would rather have more action in the bedroom. Being in a sexless marriage works devastion on your self esteem, you spend many lonely nights with your SO laying in bed next to you, you cry more now then when you were single, you find yourself thinking about sex all the time, thinking about past lovers. If I want to sat around and hold hands, if thats all we wanted to do, then we can do it with a friend. I ask why be miserable for the rest of your life while they are, as it seems very content and I am sure they are. A husband has to realize making love to his wife is an expression of his love and we need that. It releases hormones to give us that beautiful glow, of a satisfied woman. So, I say leave, tell him why and remain friends. It will not get any better, so do not fool yourself. My husband did not fault me for leaving, he knew that he could not satisfy me in bed. He was one to go months without wanting to be intimate. You are still young, so move on. Do
not have an affair or twosome, save your dignity, shucks, it ain't you. Forget about what others will think because they do not have to live with him. Once I left, it was like a burden was lifted off of me, I have not regreted the decision I made, I have peace, have joy and have not hooked up with anyone. I am enjoying being alone, but not lonely.....

 
Old 09-05-2006, 08:50 PM   #14
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Re: Sexless Marriage & Infidelity

OMG Shanlo! You have been in my shoes exactly & I feel like you explained (too much lonliness, laying alone in bed next to him aching & crying to myself in the dark). I'm glad someone else truly understands how much this guts my self-esteem. On Sunday, we went to dinner with 2 other couples who are very good friends and everyone drank lots of wine. Of course, the conversation turned sexual and the other 2 couples were sharing funny stories and playfully teasing us for not sharing. I was heartbroken that I had nothing to share & ended up going to the ladies room to avoid tears at the table. I think you may be right that I have to move on. I miss that feeling of having a man who wants to see me feel good. I remember years ago when he used to get turned on seeing me satisfied. Those days are long gone and I am so terribly sad inside. I feel better when I am alone--it's less lonely than being with him. I am not the threesome type so that option is out & cheating is not my thing either. Although, I think I may be interested in this person once I leave my husband. BTW, I have told my husband for many months that I am almost desparate enough to cheat (not in those exact words, but he clearly knows how I feel) and he has not taken an efforts towards improving things with me or even trying to. I guess that's my answer on how much he cares, huh? He says that we are best friends & we'l figure it out. I'm sick of waiting.

 
Old 09-07-2006, 08:15 AM   #15
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Re: Sexless Marriage & Infidelity

Honestly, I think cheating on him is the cheap and easy way out, not to mention it's horrible. I know you said your husband doesn't act on anything after you tell him how you feel, but infidelity is not the way to go. I guess after all the pleading and reasoning you've done with him with no response, maybe you should consider a divorce. The fact that you're making plans to "spend more time" with the other guy leads me to believe you've already made up your mind on what you want to do. Still, whatever happened to " 'til death do us part" and "through sickness and in health?"

Last edited by Inlinesix; 09-07-2006 at 08:20 AM.

 
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