Sexual Desire / My problem or his? - Sexual Health - Women Message Board

frustratedlaur · 09-14-2006, 02:54 PM

Hi all!

I am terribly frustrated with my relationship. I am a 27 year old female engaged to a 27 year old male. We have been together for a little over a year. The problem that I have is with our sex life. For most of our relationship the sex we had was often and it was amazing. As of lately we seem to have hit a roadblock where I want sex a lot more often than he does. We constantly have arguments to determine who's "problem" it is. Whether it is his lack or I am not normal for wanting it daily.

I seem to think that his sex drive has slowed down or he finds me less attractive. (It's amazing how being turned down by a man can crush your self confidence.) He seems to think that I am just horney or being emotional.

The problem is that I constantly have to initiate sex with him. Most of the time, he turns me down because he's tired, not feeling sexy, blah blah blah. Since I got tired of trying to have sex with him and getting turned down, I resorted to just asking if we were going to have sex tonight. Now, he accuses me of treating him cheaply and there is no intimacy left. His ideal week is having sex approx 3 times. Unfortunately, the sex lasts about 10 minutes and he can never get hard again.

I am not looking for a porn star, but I know that in the past we have had sex MUCH more frequently and it lasted longer.

We have discussed these issues often because I am just so sexually frustrated. He tells me that he thinks I am the most beautiful person in the world but he doesn't like to just screw me like a *****. He doesn't think we need to have sex very often. I do feel sympathetic for him, so instead of pressuring him I decided to buy a vibrator. Unfortunately he feels that the vibrator will come between him and me, so I am now not allowed to use it.

I am just wondering of anyone else going through this? I feel as though I am the only woman alive who wants to have sex on a daily basis. If there are any guys who experienced this, could you shed some light as well? I am open for anything.

Shanlo · 09-14-2006, 07:12 PM

You better seriously think about marriage. If this is what you are getting now it will not get any better as he get older. If ten minutes is not long enough to please you then I know five will not do. I married a man like that five years ago, who wanted it only two or three times a month. It will work on your self esteem, you will spend lonley nights crying, gain weight, began to not love them as much, keep sex on the brain.

I had to leave, now I feel so much better even though I am alone, I am not lonely. So think twice before you go through with getting marriage. If you love sex then you better wait, he is not the one to spend the rest of your life with. I felt as if I had been married for fifty instead of five years.

JinL · 09-15-2006, 06:12 AM

Most guys cannot keep the desire everyday at age 27. We slow down to 2 or 3 times a week. Then it drops to once a week after age 40 unless the testosterone is increased by supplements.

This is not all men.

StenoLady1 · 09-15-2006, 07:26 AM

What I see as a giant red flag is the fact that his drive has slowed, yours hasn't, you've talked about this, he says it's your problem, so you buy a vibrator and he's not allowing you to use it.

I mean, it would be different if you had some addiction to toys and were too wiped out from them to be intimate with him. That doesn't sound like the case here.

He sounds way too controlling and, sorry to say, definitely not marriage material at this time.

Just curious: When you've talked about this and he says you're not allowed to use a vibrator, yet he knows three times a week is not enough to satisfy you at this point in your life, what is his solution? I mean, working together towards solutions with your life-partner/spouse is what a healthy, successful marriage is all about, whether it's intimacy issues, finances, kids, family ... you name it. What is he bringing to the table as a solution for this issue?

If his solution is it's your problem and you're not allowed to satisfy yourself alone with a toy, what's married life going to be like with him when you face -- and you will face many -- other issues that need to be resolved by the two of you working as a team?

frustratedlaur · 09-15-2006, 07:57 AM

Thanks everyone for your advice.

He indeed is very controlling. I think you nailed it on the head. As far as his solution, he says that he will try harder to have sex with me more often. My opinion is that he shouldn't have to try so hard. We have only been together a year and as far as i know, our sex should still be amazing.

What could be the cause of his sudden lack of sex drive? Has anyone experienced this sudden change? What other variables could there be to cause this and if WE decide to work on his drive, are there any proven methods to up his sex drive?

should i be worried he's gay?

Oh and when we fight, he masturbates incentively. What is going on in his head?