I am recently married to a nice guy. We were dating for almost 3 years before we were married about 7 months ago. Even leading up to our marriage my sex drive is gone....I never want sex. I have no feelings for sex I just flat out dont want to be intimate. He counts how long it's been; I dread the day we do.
Sadly my husband (as expected) isnt to happy about this. He told me last night he isnt happy with "this" and if it doesnt change he cant live this way. I sort of feel "okay" with the idea of him leaving me because I cant give him what he needs. I am a little more mature and know that if he can stand being with me because I cant bring myself to wanting to make love then maybe it wasnt ment to be.
Are there any suggestions out there? I do take birth control I have been since I was 17, I am now 23....
Your problem is the birth control pill. You need to quit taking it if you want to have any chance of ever getting a sex drive back. Just do a search on this message board in this section, the birth control section and the women's health section for lack of libido while on birth control, and you'll find a ton of posts from women on the pill whose sex drive is completely dead.
It's by far the most common side effect for women on the pill to completely lose any and all desire for intimate contact. The feelings you are having are completely normal for a woman on the pill, but the only way it's going to get any better is if you stop taking it.
Before you break up your marriage over a stupid drug that is worthless and crappy, I would suggest that you quit the pill and see how much better you feel once you're off. You will be surprised how many other problems that you're having that you don't even realize are caused by the pill will actually clear up. It's a great feeling when you know you're not putting that crap into your system anymore. I've been off for 7 months and I feel great. That's after 16 years of being on the pill. Every month that goes by, I feel better and better. And I'm really glad I quit.
Seriously, you need to do some research on the internet about lack of desire while on the pill. There is so much information out there that it will blow your mind. And in the midst of this research, you'll find out a whole lot of other problems with being on the pill, and hopefully that will also make you want to quit. That's why I quit. I didn't want to put up with any of that anymore.
Ditto the PP...everything she said is true. I quit the pill 7 months ago and suddenly, my sex drive is back (not to pre-pill levels, but at least I have one again). You should stop BCPs and see what a difference it makes.
Thank you girls! I have known and been saying for quite a while now to my husband "it's the pill, i've heard of this I know it has to be the pill". And i've offered to get off of it but have told him if I do it means he will be wearing condoms again and he didnt want to have it. And even though we are married, we are still newleyweds and neither of us is interested in kids at this time.
I will run it by him again and let him because I'd like to have my sex drive back, I know I enjoy sex once I get into the mood, but the other night I couldnt even get that far and thats when he got pretty upset!
I know another woman who was on the pill, she is married has one child already and she was telling me how once she was off her sex drive returned! Thats what sparked my idea to my husband about me getting off. Only difference was she wasnt going to use any protection from getting pregnant and that is something i want to do!
I was on the pill for two years, we would have sex like once every two weeks, not often at all. My husband loves me more than sex and said that if that is how it had to be then he would love me through it. So he was totally understanding, which helps. When you feel pressured or obligated it kills whatever slight chance there is of being in the mood anyway!
Anyway, I had issues with realizing that all these contrived chemicals that were horrible for my body were being taken just to keep from having a child. The way we see it is we are not ready for a child, but if God chooses to bless us with one, He'll provide for us and it will be a blessing. But if it were up to me we wouldn't have kids for a while. But regardless we didn't want to have any right away either, condoms were not an option as they are awkward, uncomfortable (for him). So it was like... pills but no sex, or sex with some sort of way to prevent pregancy.
I came across natural family planning, I've been on it for 2 years my sex drive is back because you're not cramming your body with hormones, and we don't have any children. NFP is where you moniter the way your body naturally works so that you can prevent or predict pregnancy. It's not the calender method that has gotten quite a few people pregnant. After you're off the pill it will take a month or two for your body to start to become natural again (free of residual hormones) but once it does if you pay attention to your body's signals you can learn when to avoid sex. Google it and there is a main site that can get you some info.
You're not tied down to charts and thermometers forever though, once you learn your own body's signals you can just know when to have sex or avoid it. It feels so liberating knowing that I am free of fake hormones that cause a world of trouble for women (without them even realizing it) and knowing that I am free to have sex knowing that we shouldn't become pregnant. I wouldn't go back to hormonal birth control for all the money in the world. I feel so much better and my sex drive is better, not like pre-pill status, but it's always improving.
And even though men need sex, your hubby should love you enough to go through this with you instead of making you feel guilty or like you're just there for his pleasure and once it's gone so is he. That sounds like a bigger issue than the pills. Best wishes!
Thank you for your response. I agree he should be able to look past this vs. making me feel like crap. It's really getting to the point that I dont feel bad anymore when he does it. But like you said, it ruins any chances that may have been there for us to be intimate when he says those things.
I told him I wish it could be worked opposite, where he had hormones affecting his body and stuff so he could see what it is like sometimes.
I'd rather have him use a condom and be a little uncomfortable vs me having no sex drive and you'd think he'd be all for that too.
Tell him to do some research on the net about the pill and lack of sexual desire in women and he'll see how common it is. He's obviously an ignoramous when it comes to this issue, so he needs to be educated on it. Furthermore, if he knew how dangerous the pill is for women for real, then he would actually force to you to stop taking it anyway. It's not safe.
Many women who post here have said that their husband was same as yours that they would rather their wife just took the pill so they wouldn't have to deal with a condom. That is, until the husbands started reading more about the dangers of being on the pill and then they realized their wives were putting their very lives in danger, which made them want to have their wives quit the pill. They realized they would rather take their chances with a condom than to put their wives lives in danger. But that's what a loving husband would do, because loving husbands are the best! Or so I've been told, I've not been married yet.
Thats is a very good Idea and I think I will sit him down and have him read up on the side-effects. He really doesnt believe me that the pill has 'this' much of an affect on my libido! And I swear up and down, it's the pill it is, It doesnt matter which one! Some may have lower doses but it could still equal damper on the sex drive!!
I'm using FAM (fertility awareness method) which is similar to NFP except that instead of abstaining during fertile times, I use a barrier method, like condoms. It's so wonderful to be free of those hormones. This weekend was my birthday, and we did celebrate... I can't remember being so wet and aroused ever! I'm 7 months off the pill and I swear the longer I'm off, the better and better my sex drive becomes.
FAM is wonderful for learning your cycles and feeling in tune with your body. It is very liberating to be able to pinpoint when you ovulate and know when you are fertile and when you're not. And it's like the PP said, you don't have to be tied down to therometers and charting forever although I enjoy knowing exactly where I am in my cycles. There are some indications of fertility like cervical mucus and cervical position & firmness that don't even need therometers to check. Once you learn you cycle, you know around the time to temp. just so you can be certain ovulation has occurred.
Good luck! I hope your husband will come around. Mine was skeptical at first about quitting the pill but now I don't think he would support me if I wanted to go back on it--that's how big a difference it made in my mood & attitude & anxiety and sex drive!
i cant believe there is someone out there that is feeling the same way as me, no sex at all ever, i could go like years without it, i'm also on the pill, just switched to ortho cyclen, or something, been married 6 years and have a four year old, he is an addict can get enough, but i never want it the only advice i can give is my own, i recently discovered a vibrator and dirty movies and we watch them together, it really sounds weird but it actually helps. if you find a solution by all means let me know and i hope that sex does not ruin your marriage, cause he should be gratful he has YOU, not your vagina.
I was on the pill all through my 20's, and I hardly ever thought about sex. I went off the pill in my 30's, and my sexual drive has skyrocketed ever since ( I'm 41 now). Not only does the Pill kill your sex drive, those artificial hormones can mess up you natural cycle when you go off. I wish I never had ever used them.
Another alternative BC method is an IUD. They are safe now, not like in the 70's, and you can get the type that has no hormones in too. A friend of mine switched from the no hormone IUD to the one with hormones, due to the heavy periods she was having. The hormonal one has made her gain weight. She wishes that she had stuck with the non-hormonal IUD.
Last edited by desertdweller; 02-02-2007 at 09:39 AM.
A birth control method I have tried in the past was that foam spermicide stuff. It comes in a blue box and I found it at walmart near the pregnancy tests/condoms. I wish I could remember the name of it. Anyway you insert this foam inside you...similiar to a tampon aplicator.. and you are safe for up to 1 hour after inserting it. It's 99.8% effective, and really easy to use. I don't like condoms, or the pill. Well now I don't have to use anything because I had my tubes tied after having my twins. But if I needed a birth control method now that's what I would definitely be using for sure.