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Old 02-07-2007, 12:31 PM   #1
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Help My husband would rather masterbate than have sex

I need help. Let me start from the begining.

We met and feel in love and had a great sex life. We we got engaged it was like a switch turned it off. He never wanted to have sex. IF we did it was once a month if I was luckly. I have never in my life had a man say no so many times. He had a headace, tummy ace, felt fat, etc etc. I started giving up on even trying to get him to. Since then we have had two children and he has lost a lot of weight. He says he feels good again. But the sex is still not there.

We had issues about him talking to women on line (says they are friends) and looking at porn (says he doesnt but I do know better). Well lately I have been finding dirty socks by his computer (if you know what I mean) and I looked and he is looking at porn, but not only porn but males on males, males on he-shes. I am finding myself disgusted with it and dont know how to ask him about it. I know men masterbate and its normal I also do but if it takes away from us being together I dont think its healthy. He says he doesnt and lies about it, even though I have proof. (he doesnt know I have his computer password) and the socks..

I feel like our relationship is over and dont know where to go. He left today for a week. I dropped hints about have some fun last night and instead he masterbated to men on men..

Please help and let me know. What and how I should handle this.

Worried Wife

 
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Old 02-07-2007, 02:22 PM   #2
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Re: Help My husband would rather masterbate than have sex

I think you already know what the problem is. I know it will be hard to face, but if your man is interested in homosexual sex, there is pretty much nothing you can do to compete with that. If your husband is gay (which is sounds like he is) but is still in denial, you can try to wait it out and then try to come to an understanding, but basically, your marriage is headed for troubled times...

In the mean time, even if he isn't ready to admit anything, you should probably start preparing yourself mentally for this eventuality. You should not have to participate in his lie, even for the sake of the children. I really feel for you, but you sound like a smart woman and I think you strong enough to start accepting it and preparing for what's ahead.

I would also stop trying to initiate any sexual contact with him. This might seem overboard, but if he has already moved on to actually having sex with men, he could fall into the unfortunate category of gay men in denial who therefore don't use protection. You don't need that hanging over your head.

Anyway, it's possible I've read too much into your comments about his interest in gay porn, and that his interst in straight porn is even stronger, but if he seems to prefer the gay stuff, it doesn't look good given the over all description...

My deepest sympathy.

 
Old 02-07-2007, 04:52 PM   #3
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Re: Help My husband would rather masterbate than have sex

thank you, He does look at male female porn but when he does its mostly anal sex stuff.

I guess I have alots to think about.

thank you for your response..

 
Old 02-07-2007, 07:23 PM   #4
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Re: Help My husband would rather masterbate than have sex

Regardless of the gender, he'd rather masturbate to porn than have sex with a real live women. Some men prefer it because they don't feel the pressure to perform like the do with women. I think he needs counselling and you two need to have a long talk.

 
Old 02-07-2007, 11:42 PM   #5
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Re: Help My husband would rather masterbate than have sex

wow, I wonder where he is supposedly going this week...versus where he is really going.

If I were you, I would confront him and say, withou revealing the evidence, "Listen, honey...I love you. I care about you. But I KNOW something is going on, and has been for awhile. The least you can give me is honesty. I can't guarantee the truth won't hurt me, but I will not think less of you. So please, will you open up to me? I want to help you."

If he won't talk, go over and give him a hug. Then look him in the eyes and say, "Please? You really think holding this in any longer is going to help instead of hurt us both?"

If he still won't talk, then say, "Fine. I can't make you talk. If you won't be forthcoming, then I'll simply have to take action based on the limited amount of information available to me." DO NOT reveal what that information is.

JUST ACT. Let him be the one to tell you the truth, otherwise, he might limit it to what you already know. Contact a professional. Ask him to go with you. Tell him you have some concerns about the relationship. If he won't go with you to see a professional, and he won't talk, therein lies your answer.

That's your cue to leave.

 
Old 02-09-2007, 09:45 AM   #6
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Re: Help My husband would rather masterbate than have sex

ouch, BlissfulGjinuba. that is so painful to read. it is also excellent advice.

 
Old 02-10-2007, 02:43 AM   #7
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Re: Help My husband would rather masterbate than have sex

Do you think your husband is a sex addict? I'm not saying ignore the sexuality issue (because that is extremely important), but could he also be a sex addict?

A couple of years ago my husband nearly destroyed our marriage because of his sex addiction. He would obsessively look at porn on the pc (adult women - he has no interest in men sexually) any chance he got. He would make all kinds of excuses about why he wasn't interested in sex with me anymore. He would stay up late and look at porn for hours - literally hours. He nearly destroyed our relationship.

He eventually realized he had an addiction and confessed it to me. Of course I felt hurt, betrayed, and cheated on by him at first. I'm still angry with him about it to some degree, but I've learned to trust him more than I did two years ago.

He goes to Sexaholics Anonymous meetings (12 step meetings for people with sex addictions). He understands that he uses sex to deal with stress and acts out with porn when he feels overwhelmed. He's been "working his program" and he's much, much better. He had a slip or two at first, but we worked through it together. He's doing ok now.

Whatever the real issues are for your husband, he needs to be honest about them, first with himself, then to you.

Last edited by littleninja; 02-10-2007 at 02:46 AM. Reason: wasn't fininshed writing when posted

 
Old 02-14-2007, 10:01 AM   #8
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Question Re: Help My husband would rather masterbate than have sex

This is a very tough situation that you are in, right now.

I mean....Do you want to leave Him???? or Do you just to figure out a way to somehow make him want to have sex with you???

It seems to me, that you are already trying..and sadly with no-luck, right? Well, to me......I really think he have a problem. A lot of these responses...are excellent. Please, talk to him.(if you haven't tried it already)

Sorry, I don't know if I am helping you.... I am "shock" to hear that he "don't want to have sex"--which most men do and initiate.

 
Old 02-15-2007, 08:37 AM   #9
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Re: Help My husband would rather masterbate than have sex

If he is masturbating to men-on-men then it sounds like that's the sex that is appealing to him. MANY men get married, and live lives as a straight man, but are "in the closet" the whole time.... never being true to those in their lives, and (almost more importantly) never being true to themselves.

If he is attracted to men, this would without a doubt explain the lack of sex in your marraige. If this is true, then he is probably terrified of telling you, or even just admitting it outloud to himself.

As difficult as it is would be for your family and for you, I think it would be best if things were finally talked about. Sometimes people who lie, want to get caught.

I would have a delicate conversation with him. Let him know that you've found his porn, and you want to discuss his feelings. Maybe he's just bi and curious. Maybe it is just somethhing that turns him on as a fantasy but he is too embarrassed to tell you that.

Personally.. I would want to know the truth. I wouldn't want to live a lie, and stay with someone, constantly wondering if they're only pretending to be happy.

It seems as though, if you don't talk to him about it... then it will just eat you up forever. I believe truth and honesty are always best.

Good luck.

 
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