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Old 03-08-2007, 10:04 AM   #1
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Newly Married and NO sex drive

I've been married now for only 8 months and I have absolutely no sex drive. I'm only 23 and newly wed, we should be having sex all the time but its usually only 2-3 times a month (if that). I've had a low sex drive for about 2-3years now. Sex feels like a chore to me but I still think the intimacy of sex is very important in a marriage, especially one as new as ours. I thought it might be because I was on antidepressents for about 2 years but I stopped taking those about a month ago. The only medication I'm on is birth control.

Is there anything out there that can help women get back their sex drive? Is it normal for a woman as young as myself to have no sex drive?

 
Old 03-08-2007, 10:17 AM   #2
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Re: Newly Married and NO sex drive

The birth control is doing it, sweetie. Check out the multitude of posts over the BC section of these boards about loss of libido. I think loss of libido from hormonal BC had been suspected by the medical community for years, but it was finally proven and published in the January 2006 Journal of Sexual Medicine.

I lost my libido from hormonal BC for 20 years. I suspected the pill, but until last year, my doctors never put much credence in it. The only thing that brought my drive back was quitting hormonal BC. Mine came back gradually over a month or so. I've read that some women have a harder time getting it back.

 
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Old 03-08-2007, 10:23 AM   #3
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Re: Newly Married and NO sex drive

yep, for me BC did the same thing. Luckily my b/f is older and at the point where he'd rather sleep anyways (we've been together forever and might as well be married at this point), but I had all sorts of other problems with BC and quit 4 months ago and what a difference it has made!!

 
Old 03-08-2007, 05:08 PM   #4
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Re: Newly Married and NO sex drive

I had the same problem on BC. It killed my sex drive. I have been off of them for about 2 months now and I notice a huge difference in my drive again. I am excited and eager to have sex now.

 
Old 03-08-2007, 05:34 PM   #5
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Re: Newly Married and NO sex drive

I'm definitely going to take all of your advice and go off the birth control. Other then Condoms, can any of you suggest an alternative to the pill that won't have same side affects?

Thanks again

 
Old 03-08-2007, 06:13 PM   #6
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Re: Newly Married and NO sex drive

I am in the same situation! 24 y/o and married for less than a year and a half. I have no desire what so ever. I quit taking BC pills over 4 months ago and it is not coming back at all. I'm wondering if I'm just one of those people that it will take longer for it to come back, or if there is hormonal problems going on.

Flamingo- regarding other options, i've done a ton of research. There are IUD's that are not hormonal but of course there are side effects to that you would want to look into. I'm using the fertility awareness method right now and charting (plus condoms as a backup). It is more than just the "rhythm method" and seems pretty effective if done correctly. I figured since I am married, if we do have a "whoops!" it won't be the end of the world!

 
Old 03-09-2007, 09:10 AM   #7
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Re: Newly Married and NO sex drive

Flamingo22 -

I agree with everyone else that it could very well be your birth control causing the problem and a simple switch of brands might just do the trick. I was on Ovcon-35 before and I didn't have any problems at all in that area, in fact it even boosted my sex drive a little. As far as the antidepressant goes, it may be from that as well, especially if it was an SSRI. I just came off of one just over a month ago, and while my sex drive is a little better, it's still nowhere near where it was before the meds. I was on it for eight years.

Last edited by kittywitty; 03-09-2007 at 09:15 AM.

 
Old 07-27-2008, 06:44 PM   #8
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Re: Newly Married and NO sex drive

I could have written all of your posts myself. I have been married for 8 years now and still have the problem. I'm scared that is going to cost me my marriage.

Did you manage to find an answer? How are you feeling now? I'm very interested as I would give anything to get my sex drive back.

 
Old 07-30-2008, 02:15 PM   #9
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Re: Newly Married and NO sex drive

SilverWillow: I feel the same way!

I am so frustrated. My doc dismisses that it is my b/c pill. I am also taking Lamictal for bi-polar disorder, but I don't think there are any sexual side effects connected to this med, especially since the sex drive issues came well before the Lamictal. Their first response is "Oh, that is the problem. What do you want us to do about it?" They quit listening after that.

Like many, my husband and decided I would go off the pill to see if it would make a difference. After awhile, I went back on it because I noticed no difference. I have even tried other pills with differing hormone levels to see if that made a differene. Perhaps I need to try the no-pills method again to see if I need to wait longer? I also have bad periods that the pill seems to help, but anymore I am willing to deal with that in order to regain the initmacy with my husband (poor guy!).

 
Old 07-30-2008, 10:55 PM   #10
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Re: Newly Married and NO sex drive

jeneration2007: I went to the dr the next day again. She suggested that I try to relax a bit more and spend more time with my husband. And that I can maybe try another B/C. I feel so frustrated. It is a huge problem and I don't think the dr.'s understand how bad it is.

It is not that you have low libido or that you are not in the mood but once you get started it is enjoyable. I hate it. I feel dirty and almost molested. How do you carry on like that for the rest of your life? How do you expect your husband to understand and live with it?

There is a lot of assistance for men out there but not a lot of understanding for women. I am going to try counceling now and see if that helps. I'm going to do anything in my power now to fix this because this is definitely not normal.

Please let me know if you find a magic cure :-) I have even tried "horny goat weed" that did nothing at all - lol

 
Old 08-10-2008, 08:56 AM   #11
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Re: Newly Married and NO sex drive

SSRI anti-depressants & some BC pills will mess up your sex life for months after you quit taking them. They upset your bodies natural hormone balance.

 
Old 08-25-2008, 02:30 PM   #12
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Re: Newly Married and NO sex drive

I have kinda the opposite problem...
I have been married for 8 months as well. I was a virgin until my hubby came along, and i want sex ALL the time. but he never wants to anymore, only about 2 to 4 times a month. the first week of marriage we had sex like 3 times a day for a week. and then he just kinda stopped. we didnt even do anything on our first valentines day. that was upsetting for me!

but everytime i talk to my hubby he says that he just doesnt want to do it that often anymore, and it KILLS me!

we love eachother more than anything but he is so stressed out all the time that he has almost NO sex drive. he is a college student and a worry wart, so it hinders the sex life badly. I would like to know how to improve a a sex drive as well, because i want to use whatever it is on my hubby!

did you live with your hubby before getting married? thta can hinder the sexual relationship very badly, as i found out.

 
Old 08-25-2008, 11:28 PM   #13
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Re: Newly Married and NO sex drive

There are many, many reasons for low sex drive/libido. (Lamactil is definitely one of the meds that can do this, hubby has had this problem in the past) There is also the possibility of low testosterone levels (yes, women produce T, as well as men, just a lot less) But T is what dictates sex drive in both men and women. You may want to get some blood work done to check you hormone levels.

Stress/worry can also affect it, as can psychological issues, such as one poster described as "feeling dirty and almost molested". For women especially, the sexual experience has as much to do with our emotional and psychological feelings about sex. Men can separate the emotion from the sex. Women, for the most part, can not. We tend to need the emotional intimacy and even romantic fantasy to be in the right frame of mind. You know, all of the candles, music, romance. Pretty much the overall mood.

If your doctor(s) are just dismissing your concerns, then it's time to find one who will take them seriously. It may take a bit of research and legwork, but if it helps in the end, then it's worth it.

Hope this helped. I wish you all the best!

 
Old 08-31-2008, 12:18 PM   #14
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Re: Newly Married and NO sex drive

Quote:
Originally Posted by Flamingo22 View Post
I've been married now for only 8 months and I have absolutely no sex drive. I'm only 23 and newly wed, we should be having sex all the time but its usually only 2-3 times a month (if that). I've had a low sex drive for about 2-3years now. Sex feels like a chore to me but I still think the intimacy of sex is very important in a marriage, especially one as new as ours. I thought it might be because I was on antidepressents for about 2 years but I stopped taking those about a month ago. The only medication I'm on is birth control.

Is there anything out there that can help women get back their sex drive? Is it normal for a woman as young as myself to have no sex drive?
Hi Flamingo22,

I definately feel your pain. I just got married 7 months ago at the age of 25. I'm not currently on birth control, nor have I ever been on any type of anti depressants; yet I suffer with the same problem -- Low to almost NO sex drive.

My husband and I dated for exactly one year and than were engaged for one year. The difference between those two phases of our relationship were almost night and day. We weren't sexually active while we were dating, however we could barely keep are hands off each other; when we got engaged everything changed. I could tell I was quickly becoming detached from my usual "excitement" about our relationship. His parents paid for the wedding (my family has NO money), which means they planned it as well. The stress of that year was so bad I didn't even want to kiss anymore. By the time we walked down the isle and flew to FL for our honeymoon I was completely disinterested in sex , almost numb.

Now that we are married, the only thing that's helped has been to talk about it. He loves me and will stand by me no matter what. I think he knew something was wrong, but didn't want to say anything. One night I just broke down and started crying. I told him what had been going on.

I still have yet to seek professional help for all of this, but I have made a couple of "observations" along the way (if you could call them that).

- I know stress plays a HUGE factor in whether or not I want sex. I begin to notice that the few times a month I "wanted" to have sex, it was on the weekends, which for me tend to be fairly calm because I work a M-F/8a to 5p job.

- Also, (and this is going to sound stupid) I noticed I wanted to have sex more when I would see a chic flick. Some how it would bring me back to that "romantic center" that I sometimes lose sight of. To prove this is true, I begin writing down what I think about most often, and it turns out most of the time I was stressing over work, money, and my family relationships. I wasn't thinking about "me and him" anymore like I did when we were dating.

- Also, it helped to stop making the focus about SEX. If you put that expectation on yourself, it never works (it's kind of like having an orgasm; if it's all you think about, it's harder to make happen). My goal became more about trying to feel closer to my husband. Sometimes we would just put in a movie we both liked, turn off all the lights and snuggled on the couch.

- Lastly, I discovered on those rare occassions when I would ask him for sex it was a THOUSAND times better!! So I asked my husband to give me some "sexual space." I asked him to allow me to have the chance to get closer to him in other ways without the expectation of sex. I was able to breath easier, communicate with him more and spend quality time with him (go on a date).

- And even though this is common knowledge, I explained that there are several ingredients women need to have sometimes before they really want to have sex. You want to feel peaceful, calm and away from the stress of the day.. You want to feel intimately close to him (safe, protected, etc).. and lastly you want to feel ROMANTIC (you want to be kissed sometimes without the rush, you want to be held, caressed, etc.)

Ultimately, I think your goal should be to do an evaluation of your daily life. What do you worry about/ stress over regularly (work, school, money, etc)? What's frequently on your mind? Find a way to give yourself some FOCUS about your relationship-- revisit old pictures of you two dating, spend some quiet time with each other, watch a romantic movie (this may only work for me.. haha). More importantly, NEVER STOP TALKING TO EACH OTHER, if you see this as only YOUR problem, that's what it will always remain -- your problem. If you don't talk to him you are simply making the distance between you and him grow larger and larger.

Your goal should be to close that gap as much as possible. Think of sex as the 5th step in a process where the other 4 levels have to be met first (there could be any number of levels, this is just purely an example). Ask him to work with you on this by giving you time. Ask him to WAIT FOR YOU TO COME TO HIM FOR SEX (which I realize sounds insane!)... but think about it -- in a way it will be as if you are dating again. You guys can find ways to grow close to each other with out that add'l pressure. When you are ready, it will be wonderful!

Anyways, I don't know if any of this will help, so please take it with a grain of salt. I'm still trying to figure it out myself, however stuff has gotten a lot easier since I begin viewing myself and our relationship differently. (Also, on one final note, I stopped taking birth control because I felt like it was making me crazy! Right now, we are only using condoms.. This might be something to consider, especially if you are only doing it 4 x's a month).

Last edited by anne1982812; 08-31-2008 at 12:25 PM. Reason: spelling errors.. I'm sure I didn't get them all

 
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Old 08-31-2008, 06:21 PM   #15
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Re: Newly Married and NO sex drive

Quote:
Originally Posted by BITOHONEY021 View Post
I am in the same situation! 24 y/o and married for less than a year and a half. I have no desire what so ever. I quit taking BC pills over 4 months ago and it is not coming back at all. I'm wondering if I'm just one of those people that it will take longer for it to come back, or if there is hormonal problems going on.

Flamingo- regarding other options, i've done a ton of research. There are IUD's that are not hormonal but of course there are side effects to that you would want to look into. I'm using the fertility awareness method right now and charting (plus condoms as a backup). It is more than just the "rhythm method" and seems pretty effective if done correctly. I figured since I am married, if we do have a "whoops!" it won't be the end of the world!
I was taking OTCLo for 2 years and almost completely lost my libido for the two years I was on it. I quit for about a year and a half and it literally took me about a full year to get it back.
I am now on a different pill (Necon 1/35), and though it has affected my libido somewhat, it's not nearly as bad as it was with the other pill. So for some people it may take a longgggg time to get back to normal. I would wait a few more months. It will probably come back then.

 
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