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Old 11-11-2007, 10:49 PM   #1
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Seeking advise from others...my husband doesn't satisfy me sexually

My husband and I have an ok marriage. There are ups and downs like all marriages. I feel very frustrated because in the 3 years we have been married he has never really satisfied me. Am I being unrealistic to want to try to come at the same time? He only takes a 1 or 2 min. to come and I take like 10 min. I love my husband but after he is done he offers himself to me to hump, which I appreciate, but it does not truly satisfying, especially since he usually lays there uninvolved.
I am against using toys.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 11-12-2007 at 12:49 AM. Reason: Inappropriate request removed. Everyone willing to give support and advice is free to answer on these boards.

 
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Old 11-12-2007, 09:42 AM   #2
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Re: Seeking advise from others...my husband doesn't satisfy me sexually

Finishing at the exact same time can be tricky, but I know plenty of relationships (including my own) where the guy holds out until after the woman has an orgasm. My guess is that after 1-2 minutes, he LETS himself go... after years of marriage, he should be able to wait it out a bit longer so you can enjoy yourself too! I agree... it's not as fun having sex with someone who just LAYS there and isn't getting into it. It will probably be an awkward discussion, but you will probably have to tell him how nice you would think it would be if he could hold himself out so you can enjoy yourself too. He should get pleasure out of seeing and feeling you have an orgasm. If he does have trouble lasting, maybe you can try some new positions where he lasts longer. If he usually takes control, change that... YOU take control and take it at the pace you want. Just surprise him one day and control everything yourself. Just make sure to slow it down a little if he gets too excited. There's got to be a way for you to be able to enjoy it too! No need for toys... I think toys are just something extra but not necessary so don't worry about that!

 
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Old 11-12-2007, 09:45 AM   #3
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Re: Seeking advise from others...my husband doesn't satisfy me sexually

your husband needs to start making an effort....offering you his leg to hump just doesn't cut it.....sorry.
he's selfish, plain and simple. If he wanted to hold off longer, he could.....1 or 2 minutes? It's like he just wants to get it over with. I wouldn't accommodate him if he does that nonsense.....tell him to use his hand, he will be done quicker than the time it takes you to undress......it's just not worth it.
how long are you planning on tolerating this behavior from him?

 
Old 11-16-2007, 11:08 AM   #4
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Re: Seeking advise from others...my husband doesn't satisfy me sexually

Hello,

Have you communicated your feelings to him? Maybe if you expressed your needs to him, he'd try harder. As turra said, I like to wait until my woman has orgasmed before I even think about it for me. But as far as coming at the same time, yes that is unrealistic...not impossible, but he should definitely be trying to be more considerate to your needs.

Good luck,
Skarn

Last edited by Gurv; 11-16-2007 at 11:11 AM.

 
Old 11-16-2007, 11:10 AM   #5
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Re: Seeking advise from others...my husband doesn't satisfy me sexually

if he didn't have a sex drive he wouldn't be bothering her for those one or two minutes before he rolls off of her.....

the man is selfish, plain and simple.....I doubt if there's anything wrong with his testosterone.

 
Old 11-17-2007, 07:20 AM   #6
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Re: Seeking advise from others...my husband doesn't satisfy me sexually

as most have alluded to, there are more problems in your relationship than just the timing of your sexual climax.

IF he was to truly give a dang, he can do many things to alter the situation. As evidenced by his lack of concern for your satisfaction, he just wants to get off and be done with things.

I would suggest some marital counseling, if he will go. If he is this lacking in bed, I suspect he is just as lacking in the entire relationship. Where you go is up to you but I doubt there is much in your relationship that is satisfying for you.

Life is too short to accept a spouse that does not care about their spouse.
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Old 11-21-2007, 10:58 PM   #7
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Re: Seeking advise from others...my husband doesn't satisfy me sexually

Thank you everyone for your input. I know that in marriage it is important to keep an attitude of being in it for the other person's well being, not for one's own happiness. And something I have been learning is that it is in his best intrest, in the long run, for me to lovingly and firmly insist on not letting him treat me like a doormat. The trick is to find a balance between giving and receiving otherwise it becomes exhausting being the only one to give. Some one mentioned that probably that there is not much in the relationship that is satisfying to me...that is pretty close to the truth. Fortunatly I am not married because I think that my husband will make me happy, because happiness is a choice. Over all he is a really great guy. He is a good father and provider. He just has a selfish problem that I intend on sticking through with him. Maybe I'll get a back- bone out of thew deal.

 
Old 11-22-2007, 09:46 AM   #8
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Re: Seeking advise from others...my husband doesn't satisfy me sexually

Quote:
Originally Posted by hilda82 View Post
Thank you everyone for your input. I know that in marriage it is important to keep an attitude of being in it for the other person's well being, not for one's own happiness. And something I have been learning is that it is in his best intrest, in the long run, for me to lovingly and firmly insist on not letting him treat me like a doormat. The trick is to find a balance between giving and receiving otherwise it becomes exhausting being the only one to give. Some one mentioned that probably that there is not much in the relationship that is satisfying to me...that is pretty close to the truth. Fortunatly I am not married because I think that my husband will make me happy, because happiness is a choice. Over all he is a really great guy. He is a good father and provider. He just has a selfish problem that I intend on sticking through with him. Maybe I'll get a back- bone out of thew deal.
hi,
yes I agree with you about finding a balance giving and reciving,and that is is very exhausting being the only one to give.

Personal Question
Has he ''ever'' fully satisfied you sexually? (Honestly)

In A marrige/monogamous realtionship its not suppose to be one sided and it takes two to be happy.

Sure he makes you happy in other ways and is a good decent man to you but your not being fulfilled in your bed and your personal life is letting you affect your way of life your way of thinking, things like this can be fixed, and you and your partner can live a way of life that is wonderful for you both, just because you have a problem with intimacy does not mean you will never be happy.(with your current man)

You need to let him know how you feel how he makes you feel in the intimacy dept, tell him he is not satisfying you, as hard as that maybe its the only way that he will ever know...you can let him know without hurting his feelings because if you don't let him know it will go on forever, tell him your letting him know because you love him dearly and you want to save your realtionship , if not you may only fool yourself and probably let love and lust get the best of you and you may start to thinking about having an AFFAIR,and thats what will probably dislove your realtionship.
if not then get out of this realtionship for you girl.
walk away with your diginity still intact.

If this is any consulation to you??
Theres been a many of nights that I know I have not satisfied my g/f(were not married) but theres a many of nights that I do, and theres been many of nights she has not satisfied me.
I hate it when she says things like ''here take it'' ect,,ect,, and when I say things like I'm really tired tonight(knowing) after she has been working hard all day and planning a wonderful night of romatic intmacy, its a spoiler every time.

This is a hard subject to talk about with each other but at times you just have to talk about things thats bothering you no matter what kind of problem it may be.
I advise to seek counseling and the both of you attend togather, it may save your realtionship and if he trully knows he is not satisfying you sexually then he can work on that until he does..then you get what you want and maybe you can be Happy and ful-filled with a richer wonderful life.

This maybe my only way of thinking but I think having good sexual (satisfying) realtions with someone you love helps releive a lot of everyday stress,and just asures your realtionship to only get better.

Last edited by chevyman; 11-22-2007 at 10:19 AM.

 
Old 11-22-2007, 04:29 PM   #9
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Re: Seeking advise from others...my husband doesn't satisfy me sexually

What about offering to go on top? My husband lasts longer that way.

 
Old 11-22-2007, 11:55 PM   #10
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Re: Seeking advise from others...my husband doesn't satisfy me sexually

don't know what to tell you from here Hilda. In your last post, you have all but given up on yourself as being worth anything.

Quote:
Fortunatly I am not married because I think that my husband will make me happy
then what are you there for?

Your happiness and fulfillment is important whether you believe so or not. If you want to accept a marriage where all he seems to be is a paycheck to you and you say a good father, that is up to you but if you are not happy, you cannot truly make another happy. Marriage is sharing and caring aboout each other but somewhere in there you have to be happy.

I would suggest some counseling for you to help you with your self esteem. You need to realize your feelings are important. Then you should get some marital counseling so your husband can learn of the problem and possible wasys to fix your marriage.
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Old 11-26-2007, 10:02 PM   #11
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Re: Seeking advise from others...my husband doesn't satisfy me sexually

You brought up some good points and I think you hit on something...that self-esteem is an issue here. However, I wasn't saying that my happiness is unimportant but I did say- In marriage it is important to keep an attitude of being in it for the other person's well being, not for one's own happiness. I didn't get married so that I could be happy, happiness is a wonderful by-product of a good marriage. I got married because I love Him and want to bring him good and to have a good marriage. My responsibility is to love him regardless of how selfish he is. Love is patient, Love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, or self-seeking, it keeps no record of wrong. In my case I would add...it does not make oneself a doormat for other people to walk on. Given more time I could phrase that better. hehe! I was trying to make the point that my husband does have some good qualities to him in all fairness. I don't think of his good traits as a sort of payment system. That is just icky. I do appreciate your comments as they gave me something to reflect on and examine myself with.

 
Old 11-27-2007, 05:36 PM   #12
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Re: Seeking advise from others...my husband doesn't satisfy me sexually

You sound like a very giving person Hilda. The problem I see is you seem to be giving regardless of what is returned.


Yes, I understand your point of entering the marriage to make the other person joyful and (hopefully) in return, you will enjoy a similar gift from your spouse.

That is all well and good IF both spouses are of similar mind and want to please the other. At the moment, it would seem your husband does not feel that way.

Now, the problem with a giving person that recieves nothing, or at least a reasonable return, often eventually becomes angry, feels unappreciated and eventually downright depressed.

Now how are you going to be able to offer your husband all that you feel you should when you are depressed? You will try (I have no doubt) but you will eventually wear down and not be able to "put on a happy face" anymore. Then, neither of you will be happy since he is not pulling his weight now and you simply will not be able to be happy anymore.

You MUST think about your own well being lest you will have nothing to give to others.

This reminds me of a homily our priest gave one Sunday. In short, he said: do not feel guilty for having money. How can you ever help others financially unless you have enough money so you can give to others?

Happiness seems to work in a very similar fashion.
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Old 12-08-2007, 09:48 AM   #13
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Smile Re: Seeking advise from others...my husband doesn't satisfy me sexually

Very well put!!! I can relate to that completely with my relationship of 16 years. I am the giver and my husband does not give back. I think he was completely unaware of my unhappyness untill i told him.

I have hinted and tried everything to get our sex life more fun for both of us but it has been difficult when only one of us is wanting to make the other happy. My husband loves sex but rarely makes a pass at me he waits for me!! I would ilke him to show me how much he wants me, and feel passion and need from him, thats difficult when he sits and waits for the show to begin.

I was ok with this for years then something changed and i wanted more. I now feel quite moody about sex and things are not the same, i imagine in my dreams a man who is sexy and strong and that turns me on more than my husband, because to be turned on by some one they have to do some thing for you.

We are talking and he admits he is selfish and thinks he gets alot from m, but its hard to change and i think he doesn't know were to begin? I love him and we are best friends so will try to get the balance right.

I am so much more out going, he is shy! I will do what ever turns him on he sits back and waits for me. It has always been the same I worry my mind sometime wonders to thoughts of others in fantasy, and i would never want to cheat, i never have but some time these feeling are so strong and i have to tell myself to be happy with what i have got!! not always easy.

 
Old 12-08-2007, 09:53 AM   #14
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Re: Seeking advise from others...my husband doesn't satisfy me sexually

Quote:
Originally Posted by ruthgillian3766 View Post
Very well put!!! I can relate to that completely with my relationship of 16 years. I am the giver and my husband does not give back. I think he was completely unaware of my unhappyness untill i told him.
.
It sounds like the both of you understand there is a problem (very good) but neither of you truly know how to change the situation to make things better. Sometimes a counselor is a very good thing. It brings an objective point fo view in so it doesn;t sound like one side is complaining about the other all the time.

If he is truly interested in improving things, although he may be hesitant or even resistant to counseling, keep working on him to go.

Best of luck to you. It sounds like you are already off to a good start in making things better for the both of you.
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Old 12-09-2007, 04:05 AM   #15
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Re: Seeking advise from others...my husband doesn't satisfy me sexually

I have talked about councilling and he has agreed in principal, ...

deleted religious reference.



I love my husband very much but when i look at him im not sure the feeling of passion and lust canbe fullfilled by him? and yet i am totally happy with our relationship in every other way. It is quite frustrating when you have two healthy young people together but the sex life is just ok!!! But it take's two to make it work, he say's all the right things but holds back?

we have been together for 16 years and he has never said no to sex or sex play or romantic night's away but never makes it happen for me, how weird? it makes me feel not worth it? He tells me he fancies me and wants me but can go for weeks without sex unless i make the first move, we once went 6 weeks and i was very fed up. I know sex drives vary, but he never says no to sex when offered so that doesn't make sence to me.

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