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Old 11-14-2007, 01:45 PM   #1
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Going to have sex next week after 7 years of abstinence.

Well, 7 years of abstinence barring a one night stand with my ex just over a year ago.

Frankly I am terrified about resuming my sex life and I've been very tearful about it for days now. Rest assured, I am not being forced or coerced - I definitely want to do it, as I am now in a wonderful relationship - but I have a stack of things I'm worried about, some of which I can't tell my boyfriend because it's too humiliating.

I am very concerned about my vaginal tone. During that one night stand with my ex, I couldn't feel him properly inside me. There was no sensation of 'fullness' and no friction, therefore no pleasure. I noticed during foreplay that he wasn't properly erect. He has a medical condition which I know can affect erections. However, after he penetrated me, for all I know he might have become properly erect, but I didn't feel it. The reason it occured to me that the 'problem' might lie with my vaginal tone is because for the last few years I have experienced an occassional (i.e. not every day, but maybe a couple of times a month) small urine leakage under stress (e.g. coughing and sneezing). I didn't ask him whether he had managed to get properly 'hard' because I didn't want to humiliate him by drawing attention to it, and also because I was freaking out over my lack of feeling down there. It occured to me that the experience might have been as unsatisfying for him as it was for me, and I was too scared to enter a discussion about it for fear of what he might say. It was a horrible experience. I couldn't bear the same thing to happen when I have sex with my new boyfriend. Just the thought makes me start crying, and I've been thinking about it a lot!

I met him a few months ago. He's fantastic. He is taking me away next week and I want to have sex with him for the first time. It would be the perfect occcasion. This isn't just a fling, we are serious about each other.

I started doing emergency kegel exercises with a 'proprietory gadget' today, which claims to get you non-leaky and tightened up very quickly and has rave reviews all over the internet. Afterwards it certainly felt like I'd worked the muscles, but it didn't go the way the instruction booklet said it would. I had to use it on the 'most difficult' setting before I could feel any 'stretching' sensation, or get it to work. I am concerned I'm either not using it properly, or my insides are so damaged I have no feeling there! I realise this isn't anything you good people could help me with, and I have already fired off an email to the manufacturer seeking advice, but it is adding to my stress load. This 'vaginal tone' issue is the one I can't discuss with my boyfriend.

The other thing I am worried about is that my body might not respond to his touch. After all these years, I have simply forgotten what it's like! My solo sex life is great, but obviously, I can't expect it to be the same with a man. There just isn't any way of replicating/simulating sex with another person.
I have discussed my fears about my sexual response with my boyfriend and he has been lovely - said all the right things about taking it slowly, etc, and if there was a way of converting good intentions into a happy sexual encounter merely through the power of good will, I'd have no worries remaining. However, the truth is that no amount of good intentions will automatically make my body respond to him.

Does anybody else (preferably female) have any experience of starting a sexual relationship again after many years of abstinence? If so, would you mind sharing your experience? And if anybody else has any knowledge of web-based resources I could read I would be so very grateful. Time is of the essence, so I don't think a book recommendation would help at this late stage.

Thank you.

 
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Old 11-14-2007, 02:04 PM   #2
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Re: Going to have sex next week after 7 years of abstinence.

Don't feel like you have to have intercourse, or do anything else in particular. The Kegels are probably a good idea, although I'm not sure how much any particular device will help.

Might want to try masturbating, or stretching yourself out with your fingers.

You know, the actual vagina isn't where most of your nerves are (or else childbirth would be much worse!) so concentrate on places where you can feel good things, like, say, your hands, to start off.

Good luck!

 
Old 11-14-2007, 03:56 PM   #3
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Re: Going to have sex next week after 7 years of abstinence.

Thanks Jane, but believe me, masturbation is not an area I am unfamiliar with! This is not a question of not knowing how my body works per se.

I don't believe there is any way you can adequately replicate the experience of being with someone else when you're on your own, because the dynamic is completely different.

 
Old 11-14-2007, 04:00 PM   #4
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Re: Going to have sex next week after 7 years of abstinence.

Why do you feel as if you are no longer tight down there? Have you had children recently?
Personally, I think you are stressing out way too much about this. I am sure it will be just fine. Often sex can be awkward at first with a new person, but in time it usually gets better. Communication is key. You each need to tell one another what feels good.
I think you need to relax and not think about all the negative things that *could* happen.

 
Old 11-15-2007, 11:20 AM   #5
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Re: Going to have sex next week after 7 years of abstinence.

Kel - my children are teenagers, so no recent children.

I've heard stories of the 'use it or lose it' variety, regarding pelvic tone and sensitivity. There was also the incident with my ex.

You may very well be right about getting too stressed though!

 
Old 11-18-2007, 03:09 PM   #6
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Re: Going to have sex next week after 7 years of abstinence.

Just relax. All you need to do is relax and it will go fine.

 
Old 12-13-2007, 08:51 AM   #7
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Re: Going to have sex next week after 7 years of abstinence.

I can imagine why you would worry, but i'm sure you will be ok the experiance with an ex is one thing this is something else!

You said your ex was not fully erect when you had intercourse with him, so that would not feel as good as a fully erect penis. I think enjoy your new found love and don't worry it can take a while to get used to another person in your life. Good luck you won't need it X

 
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