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Old 04-19-2008, 08:52 AM   #1
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Sexually Frustrated

Hi, my name is Britt, I'm 21 years old thoroughly sexually frustrated. I have been dating my boyfriend now for a little over a year now, we live together, have a happy home life, we're supportive of each other goals/ambitions. We do a lot of thoughtful things for each other. It is overall a very good relationship. One large snag on this. I wish it wouldn't drive me crazy like this, but it does. Sex. I have a decent sex drive. Him, at the age of 28, doesn't seem to have one. I have begged and pleaded with him to figure out what is wrong, since the start it has been awkward. I felt for a long time that he wasn't attracted to me, or it was my fault somehow. He never has passionately kissed me, getting him to participate in kissing my neck even, a really easy turn on spot for me, just doesn't happen. I have explained my wants/needs. He told me that he was resentful of sex because he felt I was always forcing it on him, he also told me at one point he wasn't attracted to me he told me I'm over weight and likes slender women. I'm 5'5 136 pounds, I have some meat to me but I am not overweight. I have since gotten a gym membership and left the ball in his court for initiating sex so he doesn't feel that I am forcing it on him. I asked for a compromise, that he initiate sex twice a week, that has not happened. I end up getting so frustrated that I take matters into my own hands and initiate. I feel a constant fear that I am not going to get any if I don't initiate. At this point, we only have sex once or twice on the weekends. If I think there is going to be some schedule obstacle I freak out because Im afraid that instead of waiting a week for it I will have to wait two. I go to bed at night and roll away from him because I am so ****** off and I've been tearing up some nights from pure frustration. He has told me that me telling him I am sexually frustrated is an insult to him and that it hurts him because he feels that I am telling him I am unhappy with the whole relationship, as I said we do a lot of nice things for each other ie he cooks me dinner every night and I clean a lot. I know I am an attractive young women, I receive compliments constantly from my coworkers, I have guys that ask me to consider them to date. This sexual frustration is making me so incredibly angry. I love him a great deal, I don't want this to be a dealbreaker, I try to sexually satisfy myself on my own. It's just not the same. I've had the sit down talks, I've improved my body, I've even dyed my hair from blond to brunette because I know that's his preference. I feel like we're housemates.

 
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Old 04-19-2008, 03:25 PM   #2
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Re: Sexually Frustrated

I'm so sorry to hear about this! It sounds like he may have low testosterone levels, but if he isn't willing to do something about it, then there isn't much to do be done. That's great that you guys do nice things together, but I don't think he should have told you anything about your weight. It doesn't sound like you are big at all! It doesn't sound like you are forcing it on him either... it isn't like you are asking him for it 20 times a day! All you can really do is to encourage him to see if his testosterone levels are low or maybe he's under stress and that can cause it to. Has it always been this way? For now, you can always try using a toy. I know it isn't the same, but it's better than being frustrated all the time. I usually don't see my boyfriend as often as I like (we don't live together) and I know it can be tough to have to wait til the weekend.

 
Old 04-19-2008, 11:53 PM   #3
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Re: Sexually Frustrated

Hon, he could have something wrong with his hormones. That is um unmanly. Anyhows, I wanted to point out something...I know sex is wonderful, but a relationship is not just based on sex. He could simply have had a really bad relationship before you and afraid of commiment. I had a friend (whos a guy) who was abused in a marriage before I met him. I was the first female he let into his life after the divorce. He was scared, and I mean scared. After just being friends for a few years I started just tossing some comments like "I know, but have I treated you that way?" and getting him to think different on women. After a year doing that, I finally got him interested in women again. He even asked me out--after we discussed it, we realized our friendship was too valuable to ruin with adding a closer relationship. We are still great friends, and guess what he has a girlfriend now! I'm so proud of him. Now, in my personal relationship of 5 years, honey, sex is not everything. Last summer was the last time we had any. We are more into our lives than sex. True love is wonderful, when you meet the right man, and then you will realize sex is not everything. There is so much more. Sorry for putting a damper on your problem though...

 
Old 04-20-2008, 09:37 AM   #4
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Re: Sexually Frustrated

I think a sex drive is an incredibly personal thing. Some people could go the rest of their lives and never have sex again and be perfectly happy. Other people would have to be institutionalized if they had to go without it for a year. No, sex isn't all there is to a good relationship, but if you are one of those people who is passionate and has a healthy sex drive and needs sex as a healthy, regular part of the relationship to feel physically and emotionall close to your parnter, then you are certainly entitled to a relationship where you can enjoy a full, rich, and healthy sex life.

This guy sounds like he has a problem he is not willing to share with you and is not willing to try to fix. He blames it all on you (you're too fat and not sexy to me, you make me feel nagged, resentful, blah blah blah) and hopes you will just drop it and let it pass. You will never get the sex life you want with his guy. I think it's fish or cut bait time. You can't change him and he obviously doesn't seem to want to change himself, so it seems your only two options are to accept a life without sex and passion and physical and emotional intimacy that comes with a healthy sex life, or leave him and find someone else. You ahve to decide how important a healthy sex life is to you compared to how much you are IN LOVE WITH him, not just love him, and how great a guy he is in other respects. THere's actually a great book called He's Just Not That Into You and the authors dedicate a chapter to just this problem. And while differening sex drives can be compromised on, the authors also say that sex is one of the greatest joys and privileges of being alive and being human, and the one person stopping you from enjoying this wonderful gift is the very person you are in a relationship with. I personally am one of those very passionate people with a very healthy sex drive and I could NEVER be with a man who never wanted to make love to me. No matter how great a guy he is in every other way, he's just a buddy if you don't have a good sex life and romance, and if I wanted just a buddy, I wouldn't be trying to be in a romantic, sexual relationship with him when I could find someone who actually finds me sexy and attractive and who wants to make love to me.

If he saw it as a problem in the relationship and was willing to work on it, that would be one thing, but he's not. He just blames you to get you to shut up and hopes that you'll just drop it. I don't think that will EVER change. You have a choice to make.

 
Old 04-20-2008, 09:55 AM   #5
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Re: Sexually Frustrated

Sorry but this will never change. It is a deal breaker and unfortunately you will have to move on. If sex is priority on your list and not on his then why did you move in together and settle? Stop beating yourself up over this thinking it is your fault it isn't nor is it his fault...you both are just on different hormone levels and this is not going to change. You aren't overweight...nor should anything about you be an issue...that is just a silly argument. Don't waste your young years on this and if you decide to move on and he begs you to stay (because he says he can change) then what you do is move on anyway because he really can't change...if he could he would of by now. Meanwhile, you can find out that there is someone more compatible for you.

 
Old 04-20-2008, 08:07 PM   #6
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Re: Sexually Frustrated

Quote:
Originally Posted by tUrRrRa View Post
It sounds like he may have low testosterone levels
I strongly agree....It has a great impact on both men and women. Women make T too...Just less of it. See if you can get him to work out or exercise....Working out naturally increases one's T production. You may also want to have him get a blood test to see if his T is unnaturally low. I read an article recently where there is a near epidemic in low T among men due to pollution, meds, and other factors in our environment.

Good luck.

Ex

 
Old 04-21-2008, 07:00 PM   #7
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Re: Sexually Frustrated

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnD View Post
Sorry but this will never change. It is a deal breaker and unfortunately you will have to move on. If sex is priority on your list and not on his then why did you move in together and settle? =.

Sex can be a priority on anyones list or not, but it shouldn't effect moving in with someone, because like another poster said sex isn't everything in a relationship. I don't think those are the reasons most consider when moving in with a significant other. Besides, we don't even know for sure why her boyfriend is feeling like this or if he even acted like this before they met. So if she thinks she made the right choice by moving in with him (this choice having nothing to do with sex) then thats that.

Anyways-- doesn't he seem to think that this really isn't normal for a man his age to not want to have sex? Has it always been like this??
Like others said, it could be a medical thing. BUT is there a possibility at all that he just isn't feeling the same about your relationship that you are? I know when people seem to lose interest in others they tend to shy away on things like this. Sorry i don't mean to sound mean or anything just looking at all aspects of this.
It may be possible that he really just isn't into it too..Women go through stages where they don't wanna have sex, maybe men do too? Although it does seem odd its possible.
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Last edited by Longview; 04-21-2008 at 07:06 PM.

 
Old 05-05-2008, 03:39 PM   #8
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Re: Sexually Frustrated

I'll give you a guy's opinion, for what it is worth:

There are many deal-breakers to consider before committing to a life partner. The reason why is because there will be so many compromises ahead to make the relationship continue to work.

You are 21 with a whole life ahead of you. Most people would understand that if you wanted many children but he didn't want any,or vise-versa. That this is a resonable deal-breaker. So why should your plans for a family life be important, but your sex life plans not be?

If you had been married for twenty plus years, and his or your interest in sex had changed dramatically in recent years, then I would expect efforts from both of you to find a compromise.

I could then tell you about men's darkest fears. I could tell you about the shame that a man feels from knowing that he can not sexually satisfy the woman that he adores. I could tell you about his fear about losing someone that is his entire life. I could also tell you about the joy when together you make things so much better.

But you are at the age when men and women see each other unrealistically. Women are looking for a man that they can change; while men are looking for a woman who will never change.

Has his sexual appetite decreased dramtically, or is it pretty much the same as its always been? Is this a situation that he is fine with, or would he like to improve your sex life?

If you really want to feel frustration, try to change him into something that he is not. It won't last long, and you'll have plenty of years to regret it.

If this is a recent bad change in his sex life that he is not happy with, and he is willing to make the effort to improve things, then you can offer your support. But don't lose yourself in the process.

The fact that you are changing yourself to be what you think he wants, worries me. There are plenty of men who would love you exactly as you are.

There is nothing more exciting than a woman who realizes all that she has to offer, body heart, and mind.

You deserve a man who can't wait to touch you. You deserve a man who will always see you as the girl that he feel in love with, no mater how many years may pass. You deserve a man who needs you to wrap yourself around him and comfort his fears. You deserve a man that will be amazed each day that he is worthy of a person like you.

If that is what you have, then fight for it. If not, then go find it!

 
Old 05-05-2008, 04:47 PM   #9
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Re: Sexually Frustrated

ReadyToListen has made some excellent points here. My wife and I have been together for 29 years total and, believe me, sex is important to any relationship. Many psychologists believe that it is neccessary for a relationship to succeed. From my experience, I believe that is correct. The desire for sex and the feelings of love for each other go together. That was one of the reasons that my first marriage failed. There was much more than sex that caused it's failure, but many of those things were driven by our sex life, or lack thereof.

My current wife has always had a low sex drive, probably because of low testosterone because of having most of her ovaries removed in her 20s. I have always had to initiate sex, except on rare occasions. However, she loves sex once I get her started and she loves to snuggle and kiss. Our sexual desires have not been that far apart, but her lack of initiating has made me feel like she didn't like sex with me at times over the years. When we were younger, I could have had sex 2 or 3 times a day, while she was happy with 5 or 6 times a week. If this relatively small difference in our sexual desires sometimes pushed us apart a little, think of what the great difference that you are experiencing would do to you over many years together.

My wife and I are in our 60s and we have been having sex several times a week for the past 9 months. For most of our marriage, our sex frequency has ranged from 2 or 3 times a month to 6 or 8 times a week. We were happiest and felt much more love for each other when the frequency was the greatest. When it was infrequent, we were also happy, but we felt more like best friends than a husband and wife in a loving relationship. Sex for us now and for the first 6 or 8 years of our relationship was not just the sexual act. It is kissing and hugging in the middle of the kitchen for no reason. Then we get turned on and talk about what we want to do in bed tonight. Bed time is mostly kissing and snuggling, then actual sex and then kissing and snuggling again. These things combined meke the true love so obvious. Sex alone doesn't do that. It is just a physical release, but a necessary one.

It is possible to have a successful marriage without sex, but to us there is something missing from that marriage. You need a partner who shares your desires, both sexually and in the normal things that you enjoy. Without that you are more like room mates.

No sex drive in a 28 year old man is not normal. I would suspect a hormonal problem first. The problem with a problem like this is getting the person to seek medical help for it. The next problem is finding a doctor who thinks that it is important or one that understands it at all. If you want your relationship to be a good and lasting one then I think that you need to convince him to seek medical help. If he is not willing then you will need to chose between finding another partner or living with this situation for a long time.

Lastly, 5'5" and 136 pounds is not even close to being overweight. You are pretty close to perfect in my opinion.

 
Old 05-17-2008, 11:05 AM   #10
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Re: Sexually Frustrated

I support the many opinions here that you should move on. My gf had the same "problem" but instead of asking me to change, she realized that she was the one with the problem, not having a healthy sex-drive.

Now we are much better off and we are still working on the issue.

Sex makes you happy, it causes you to glow, feel good and it`s a important part of ANY relationship! I`m 23y and know just how you feel!

I would take that offers you`ve gotten at work and see where it goes Maybe finding one closer to you own age would be better, since they often have bigger sexdrives than older men, could be worth a shot.

Good luck!

Last edited by SoupGuy84; 05-17-2008 at 11:08 AM.

 
Old 05-19-2008, 12:46 PM   #11
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Re: Sexually Frustrated

If you were interested in trying to keep things together I would suggest that there is nothing wrong with the female initiating.

Also, why not let him "catch you" taking care of your own needs yourself. That could be a huge turn-on for him.

 
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