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Old 06-05-2008, 09:44 AM   #1
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Getting upset when my man masterbates.

I have been with my boyfriend for over two years. Right before our year anniversay I discovered he was looking up famous porn stars on the internet. I was upset, hurt and felt like I was not good enough. Why couldnt he just ask me if "I" wanted to have sex or go down on him...I would with no questions asked! Well, needless to say, we broke up about 5 months later for 2 months. We obviously got back 2gether, and actually moved in with one another. I love living with him, and wouldnt want it any other way. However, I have come across a few glitches (at least thats what i call them)...

I discovered that when he would get up in the morning to get ready for work (a few months after moving in) he would take my laptop in the bathroom w/ him and watch [deleted] ...stumbled upon it one day in my recent searches. I did mention that I knew about it, and his quick response was; "i dont do it all the time". It was pretty much every morning. That put us in a little rut. The laptop bathroom incidents stopped, at least at our place. But i did discover he watched [deleted] on his parents home desktop! Enough Already!! Now he is using my Cosmo's to do it! Whats the deal?? It is Thursday today and we have had some sort of sexual activity everyday except last nite. This morning he masturbated. He does not know i know. I know b/c he will get in the bathroom and use the bathroom, then turn on the shower and it runs for about 10 minutes prior to him getting in it.

I have found myself obsessed with knowing when he does it. It drives me up a wall thinking that I do not do it for him....I'd like to think I do. And just like other woman...i feel extremely insecure b/c he is not looking at me when he does it, looking at other woman I think makes me mostly upset. Am I doing something wrong as a girlfriend? I always want to have sex or do something sexual...am I not expressing that enough? All he has to do is start feeling me in the morning and I will be all about it! Help!!

Last edited by Mod-S4; 06-05-2008 at 09:00 PM. Reason: Do not post commercial web sites. Terminology. Please read the SPECIAL RULES sticky at the top of the board.

 
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Old 06-05-2008, 10:22 PM   #2
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Re: Getting up upset when my man masterbates.

I can certainly understand your concern.....And, your hurt feelings. What you are feeling is only natural. I'm not trying to justify his actions by any means, but it sounds like it's fantasy role play for him. This isn't all that unnatural to be honest.....Epecially in males.....Males like fantasy, and that's what he's doing. It doesn't have anything to do with you, but rather some component of pure fantasy....Like a dream.

If it really bothers you, I would sit down and talk to him....Explain your feelings.

Good luck.

Ex

 
Old 06-05-2008, 10:54 PM   #3
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Re: Getting up upset when my man masterbates.

Just let him have his private moments to himself. Some men just need to have the relief without the mate. Nothing to do with you it is just that's what he needs to start his day...to be alone with his thoughts....like having a cup of coffee to start the day. If you can't get over it then move on. This is who he is and what he needs. He may or may not outgrow it but it has nothing to do with anything except he just needs this time I guess because he has always done it this way and you need to leave him alone to do it and stop checkin up on him. The point is he needs to do this by himself for himself without you or anyone else.

 
Old 06-06-2008, 07:46 AM   #4
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Re: Getting up upset when my man masterbates.

OK, enough talk about what HE needs....what about you? His actions are hurtful and dis-respectful to you. You need to let him know that masturbating in the bathroom w/ a laptop is hurtful to you. Or with whatever when you are home.

The only thing you are doing wrong blueeye27, is not being honest about your own feelings w/ him. He sounds very immature and out of tune w/ being in a relationship. Sounds like he is missing opportunities to have intimate time w/ you for some cheap porn thrills. He needs to wake up!!

Good luck!!

 
Old 06-06-2008, 04:49 PM   #5
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Re: Getting upset when my man masterbates.

Hi there Blueye.

Firstly, I want to say that it's natural for people to masturbate when they're in a relationship.

I really know how you feel though... I'd feel hurt about pornography of other women if I was you too.

Have you tried talking to him SERIOUSLY about it? Obviously he knows you don't like it... but you should say how much it's upsetting you. It sounds like he's a bit obsessed with masturbating and porn etc. Have you suggested stuff too him in the morning before he goes to work?

Good luck

Desmond

 
Old 06-13-2008, 06:57 AM   #6
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Re: Getting up upset when my man masterbates.

Quote:
Originally Posted by skyy11 View Post
OK, enough talk about what HE needs....what about you? His actions are hurtful and dis-respectful to you. You need to let him know that masturbating in the bathroom w/ a laptop is hurtful to you. Or with whatever when you are home.

The only thing you are doing wrong blueeye27, is not being honest about your own feelings w/ him. He sounds very immature and out of tune w/ being in a relationship. Sounds like he is missing opportunities to have intimate time w/ you for some cheap porn thrills. He needs to wake up!!

Good luck!!
We don't think about it, or ponder over it. This thing we have affects every thing we do everyday all day. We don't need a name or a history or a conversation, most of the time we don't even need a face to look at, call it self medicating. Don't try to understand it, we can't even do that. If this act is not done at certian times in our life, it will drive a man literally crazy. Its not about you or how we feel about you, we just need to do this.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 06-13-2008 at 04:05 PM. Reason: Note deletions to your post. Unnecessary comments removed.

 
Old 06-18-2008, 05:44 PM   #7
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Re: Getting up upset when my man masterbates.

i have gone through this with mycurrent boyfriend as well. it hurts me becasue not only is he pleasing himself with other women, which makes me feel inadequate, but the women on the computer are usually very skinny and tan and 'made up'which doesnt do much for my self esteem. we've talked about it and he just cant understand fully why it hurts me so bad, but it really makes me feel so much less of myself in many ways. i hope that there are still men out there who have enough respect and self control to not need to have thier hands down their pants every few hours.

 
Old 06-19-2008, 07:13 AM   #8
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Re: Getting upset when my man masterbates.

Whether a man masturbates or not is not a question of respect of self control, it's a question of fulfilling what, for them is a natural bodily function, one which he clearly doesn't want to incur into his life with you and tries to stop it affecting you. A friend of mine once tried to give up masturbating for lent - he said it was the most agonising, frustrating and generally torturous forty days - it's like telling your body not to have a bm, it can do it for the sake of politeness, but the times going to come where you have to take yourself off and sort yourself out, and it's an entirely different thing to the sexual intimacy you share with a partner.
If him looking at porn and using other women to stimulate himself is a problem for you then I agree you should discus this with him and ask him to stop; but from a position of knowing that he is going to need to see to his own needs from time to time, and it's nothing to do with him desiring anyone else, or not wanting you, or anything your not satisfying, and some guys use visual aids to help them. It has nothing to do with you and your relationship, it's like.... you can be a brilliant chef who cooks the most exquisite food, but every so often the person your feeding will just want to grab cereal from the cupboard.
The guys that don't masturbate are the ones who have trained and repressed themselves not to do so. Their manner of doing it and how he integrates this into his shared life with someone else is something you need to discus if you're not happy with it.

 
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