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Old 11-30-2009, 11:53 PM   #1
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Boyfriend Doesn't Want Sex, But Masturbates.

Hi,

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years. We have lived together for 3 years. In the beginning of our relationship we lived far apart so we saw each other once a week and on the weekends. During these times together we always had sex, and I felt we had really great sex. Both were willing to explore and I felt we were on the same page sexually. He initiated it most of the time, but I did also & I was always willing. Now I've put on some weight, and have low self esteem, and am struggling with depression and don't feel like he wants me at all. We have other issues also in our relationship and I just don't feel comfortable initiating it with him. Things sort of slowed down as it does when the newness wears off, but at this point the sex is almost non-existent. The only time we do have sex is when I repeatedly voice my concerns about it for a few days and then he does initiate sex. However, there is hardly ever any foreplay, never any kissing at all, and the sex lasts for less then 10 minutes with frequent stopping and waiting. It seems as though with foreplay he just kind of does what he wants. I've even tried to tell him what I like or make a sound like I'm enjoying the foreplay and he doesn't keep doing it and moves along. When we first met, he could last for a good amount of time. Not to long, not to short. It was perfect. Then halfway into our relationship he all of a sudden has premature ejaculation. He can't go longer then a couple minutes without stopping and waiting...or just ejaculating immediately and apologizing. I've cried about that, because there was no joy in sex for me at that point. I felt like he just wanted to get it over with or something. I thought it was me. I've cried about it, I've been supportive about it, I've acted like I don't care about it.

6 months ago, I left the house for a couple hours. When I got home, I went to use the restroom, and I noticed a glass ***** we had purchased for me on a shelf. It wasn't there when I had left, and I went numb. I asked him about it, and he got that look on his face that someone gets when they have been caught doing something. He couldn't come up with a reason it was out, and got mad as if I did something wrong and stormed off. Later after thinking of a good excuse I suppose he approached me to tell me why it was out from the drawer, and said he got it out for when I got home. Which was strange since we just had a whole weekend with no children and all of a sudden he is wanting to get frisky on a Sunday night...and also he has NEVER, ever done this...ever. He would just pull it out of the drawer next to our bed while we were having sex. Why would it be in the bathroom? I honestly didn't even want to know why he had it out. I am pretty positive he wouldn't cheat on me, as I don't know when he would find the time to do so, and the only other thing I could think of was he was using it on himself. I didn't even want to know if that was the reason, or that when I'm gone he is getting that into it alone. We then would go 1-2 months with absolutely no sex at all. I then noticed that he had been to a porn website on his computer, which I don't have a problem with if we had a healthy sex life, but we don't, and I think looking at porn and masturbating when you have a willing girlfriend is weird. Often times when we were first together, and I would be at his house on the weekends, I would hear him masturbating in the shower. Like we would wake up and he would go get in the shower and masturbate, when I was laying right there next to him definitely willing to have sex. I found that very odd.

We have had 2 sexual encounters the past 2 months. One was a month ago, and it was anal sex...and then we had regular sex a week ago. I was complaining again about our lack of intimacy this weekend. I left to pick up my children from their Dad's, and when I got home I went to the restroom again. I noticed lube on the back of the toilet. I asked him why that was out, and he rushed over and sighed like he couldn't believe he left that out, and grabbed it and put it in the drawer. I asked what he was doing with it and he said masturbating. Which again is weird since all weekend I was basically saying we don't have sex, I want sex, I feel like he's not attracted to me anymore. Which results in us having zero sex, and him masturbating when I left. Which is again weird when you have a willing participant.

Some history about our sex life. He was always telling me how he loved anal sex when we first met. He was always talking about sex, or talking dirty. He boosted about how he had had at least 50 partners, which I found quiet gross. He seemed very sexual though. I had never had anal sex before, but after we were together awhile I tried it. It wasn't as bad as I anticipated. So, on a rare occasion we will do that if I am menstruating or he tries and I am willing. Which he is always, always, always trying to do. When he does give me oral sex, he spends most of his time performing oral on my anus, rather then my vagina. Every single time he has to put fingers in my anus. I've even told him, I'd prefer if he didn't put his fingers or try to put vibrators in my anus every time we have sex. Occasionally would be okay, or I'll guide him there if I want it. He never listens, but instead does what he wants regardless of my wishes. That is baffling to me too. I don't understand how you forget that your girlfriend told you she doesn't care for that all the time. When we do have intercourse, almost every time, he will enter in my vagina and within minutes he is trying to put his penis in my anus. I've felt for some time now that he's just not that into vaginal sex or oral sex on my vagina. I'm pretty sure that if he could, he'd perform oral sex on my butt and have anal sex with me every single time, and he'd never have vaginal sex with me. Also, I've noticed that every single time we have anal sex he is very slow in ejaculating, and also very slow with his thrusting. It's like when two people make love. He'll even want to kiss. However, with regular intercourse it's always very fast and rough. I've often resorted to having anal with him just so I can feel that closeness, a couple shares when they make love. We've never "made love" except for once within the first couple years of our relationship. Once in 6 years. Also, I cannot remember the last time we kissed as foreplay. I can't remember the last time we french kissed at all. He has dental issues and frequently has bad breath so I assume that is why? In our sexual history we've experimented a lot and I've always been open to try things. There were times when thing were hot and heavy and he guided my fingers to his anus, and even let me know he wanted me to lick his anus. Which I did numerous times. I didn't so much mind putting my fingers in his anus, at the time, but was always embarrassed about it afterward. I realized I didn't enjoy orally pleasing him beyond normal sex. So, when he would put my finger neat his butt I would pull my hand away repeatedly until he stopped. He would be pretty persistent about it most times too. Or he would pull his penis from my mouth and push my head down to his rectum. I would pull away and put his penis in my mouth trying to get really into it to distract him, and he would be really persistent with that also. Another problem with that was he wouldn't clean himself before hand. I am pretty meticulous about being clean down there when we have sex, and I've asked him before to maybe shower beforehand if he wanted to do something that night. Not every time, obviously if it was a spur of the moment kind of thing you can't plan, but if you had an inkling you wanted sex that night, it's simple...bathe. Especially if he wanted me to do those things with his butt, I want it freshly cleaned...obviously. Which is what I do, because I know that he will go there, and I want to make sure it's super clean.

In 6 years, we've both put on a considerable amount of weight. Yet, I'm still sexually attracted to him, and don't care about his weight gain. So, I don't know if that is an issue for him? I've tried to talk about it, and would love to know what goes through his head as to why. I'm too fat for him? I'm not crazy overweight or anything. He feels inadequate with his abilities? Maybe he's gay? I don't know. He's not feminine what so ever, he's very much a manly man, so I don't know...but with all the love for everything anal and using my toys when he's alone somewhat disturbs me a bit. When I've asked he acts annoyed by me constantly bringing it up. He's said he's attracted to me. He's said he just doesn't want sex very much anymore like he did in his 20's, he says it's because I don't initiate it. It's never this is the reason(s) why, lets fix this. It's always something different or he just gets annoyed at me and starts a fight with me for voicing my concerns. Help me! I don't know what to do, and I honestly cannot live like this forever.

Last edited by ssstephanie; 12-01-2009 at 12:19 AM.

 
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Old 12-02-2009, 11:38 AM   #2
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Re: Boyfriend Doesn't Want Sex, But Masturbates.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but sounds like your relationship with this man is over.

I was in a long-term relationship, and the first and biggest issue to "go" was our sex life. I later realized it stemmed from my feelings for my partner becoming platonic and not romantic anymore. So, his feelings for you may have changed since you started the relationship, and that is why he has little or no interest in sex. This could potentially have nothing to do with your physical appearance, although men are very visual creatures. Emotion has a lot to do with a healthy sex life, even in many men.

Secondly, you don't seem to be sexually compatible anymore whatsoever. You want completely different things, and each of you refuses to do the things that the other one wants to do. I'm not saying you should compromise your comfort level when it comes to things like that, but neither should he. You should be with a partner who wants to satisfy your oral needs, and he should be with a partner who wants to satisfy his anal needs. Not fulfilling each other's wants and needs leads to resentment, and resentment leads to arguments, infidelity and a toxic relationship.

Many strait men have some serious anal preferences. So none of this definitely points to him being gay. Could be be bi-curious, bisexual or gay? Sure. Maybe he hasn't had the opportunity to experiment since he's been in a relationship with you, and that's why you find these clues all over the house. Could he be cheating? Also, yes. I would say some of those clues might possibly indicate that he's cheating, but it's not for sure. It's definitely a possibility, but not for sure.

As a side note, you repeatedly say you're willing, but also that you don't initiate. If you don't initiate, how does he know you're so willing? Most men, as ego-centric as they are, really like giving up the reigns once in a while. They like to know that YOU want THEM.

I hate to say this, but it sounds like not much can be done to fix this. He obviously has no desire to discuss things. If he did, that would indicate he wants to work through these issues with you rather than on his own. If you force this relationship to stay the way it is, I can tell you with almost complete certainty that one or both of you will end up cheating.

If by some way you do begin to fix this situation, keep this in mind: many studies have been done that show men are NOT responsive to complaining and nagging. You yourself say you "complain" to him about the lack of sex. This will not change things. You also admit that he usually ponies up on the sex shortly after you start complaining, which just seems like a tactic to make you stop talking about it. Complaining is usually accusatory, and accusations usually don't make anyone want to do anything for or with the person who's pointing fingers at them. This just pushes him away further and look for other avenues for his sexual satisfaction.

The truth is, people change. It sounds like you were young when you first got together, and I'm sure you're both still young. Attitudes change, sexual preferences change, circumstances change. Don't force yourself to stay in an unhappy relationship simply because you're use to it.

 
Old 01-17-2010, 01:43 PM   #3
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Re: Boyfriend Doesn't Want Sex, But Masturbates.

Sounds like the typical sex is getting boring thing. So ssstephanie, you've put on some pounds? Allot of guys do not like that when the significant other starts to put on the pounds. I'll assume maybe 30 or so?? So how often in your relationship have you gone up to the 'ol man pulled up your top and pulled his face into your chest? When was the last time you gave him a good oral thrashing and climbed on top and started talking dirty to him? Instead of questioning his secret masturbation, why not tell him you'll join him cause you wanna watch?? I'm here to tell you, there are allot of guys out there watching the porn and saying, "oh why can't my wife just be a little bit like those girls?"

He had an anal fetish, so? He might have to learn to be a little easier about it, but try to work it out. You have quite the healthy post wondering what's going on. I'm telling you what I think from my prospective. AND, for a minute I thought you could have been my wife writing that. You seem to be allot more conservative than the BF, and to you, everything is normal, to him, he can't take the conservatism anymore. I understand that he has gained some pound too, but again, from a guys perspective, we're more visual it seems than women are. Also on another note, my wife has put on a chunk of weight and it affects our sex life too. There's being on the one you love, and then there's being "on top". I use to be able to put my elbows down and keep my self on her, now it's like I'm riding the wave. I don't like it one bit. So I've copped the attitude she has, "I don't like it on top cause I can't get off that way." She pretty conservative too and it drives me nuts because she thinks things are normal. What little sex we have now, usually has always been initiated by me. Getting a little kinky….like toys are pretty much out of the question. You get a little more on the ball with the sex, I’ll bet ya you’ll hear a few more of “Hey baby, you wanna go to dinner or go somewhere?”

I'd say it's your move ssstephanie, get your mind in the gutter with the BF and spice it up. AND don't just do it, get into it. He'll pick up on it real quick if you're doing it just to please him. You both have to be on the same page!! Get that sensual eye contact going the whole time you're pleasing each other.

Go have fun!!

P.S. Tell the BF a shower goes a long way…..LOL!!

 
Old 01-17-2010, 07:53 PM   #4
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Re: Boyfriend Doesn't Want Sex, But Masturbates.

Not sure why you're with this guy. To put it bluntly, he sounds like an inconsiderate loser who has no respect for you and complete disregard for what you want and what makes you feel good. Dump the jerk; you deserve better.

 
Old 01-18-2010, 11:36 AM   #5
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Re: Boyfriend Doesn't Want Sex, But Masturbates.

Quote:
Originally Posted by caberg View Post
Not sure why you're with this guy. To put it bluntly, he sounds like an inconsiderate loser who has no respect for you and complete disregard for what you want and what makes you feel good. Dump the jerk; you deserve better.
Oh boy, I was waiting for one of those answers.... How about she really likes the guy and wants to work things out. Can ya come up with a better answer than that.....

 
Old 01-19-2010, 05:33 AM   #6
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Re: Boyfriend Doesn't Want Sex, But Masturbates.

Quote:
Originally Posted by EAB View Post
Oh boy, I was waiting for one of those answers.... How about she really likes the guy and wants to work things out. Can ya come up with a better answer than that.....
Breaking up with the guy is a completely plausible solution, since this appears to be an extremely toxic and unhappy situation between two people who are not willing to communicate with each other. You can "really like" someone who is not a good person to be in a relationship with, so you need to face reality and see if this relationship is is causing you more pain than pleasure. If that's the case and no one is willing to deviate from what they want to work it out, then it needs to end.

Your answer wasn't that constructive either. You basically said that she needs to compromise what she's comfortable with to satisfy her boyfriend, lose some weight and get kinky. "I understand that he has gained some pound too, but again, from a guys perspective, we're more visual it seems than women are." You're kidding me, right? You can't use that as an excuse for why she is obligated to care about her looks and he is not. By the way, many women are very visual creatures, just as much as you are. The difference is that we tend to want sex from the person we care about, not just anybody we find attractive.

The responsibility to look attractive as time goes on does not fall squarely on the woman. As for your situation, if you have gained weight too and you complain of not being able to fit on top of your wife, maybe you're the problem as well. And now you complain about being on top, so you force it upon her? You don't care whether or not she's satisfied or happy? She's conservative (and I'm sure she was like that when you married her), but you want to take her out of her comfort zone because YOU want to use toys? What about what she wants? Ever heard of compromise? You're exactly the same type of guy as the one the OP has. You care very little about your partner's needs, and only think about your own because... well, you're the man and you're the only one who matters, right?

As for encouraging your wife, the OP or any other women to act like porn stars to "fix" their sex life... that's just ignorant.

 
Old 01-19-2010, 10:13 AM   #7
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Re: Boyfriend Doesn't Want Sex, But Masturbates.

Quote:
Originally Posted by EAB View Post
Oh boy, I was waiting for one of those answers.... How about she really likes the guy and wants to work things out. Can ya come up with a better answer than that.....
I must have missed the part where she really likes the guy. I was reading more along the lines of these comments:

"He boosted about how he had had at least 50 partners, which I found quiet gross."

"Every single time he has to put fingers in my anus. I've even told him, I'd prefer if he didn't put his fingers or try to put vibrators in my anus every time we have sex."

"He never listens, but instead does what he wants regardless of my wishes."

"I've often resorted to having anal with him just so I can feel that closeness, a couple shares when they make love. We've never "made love" except for once within the first couple years of our relationship. Once in 6 years."

"I cannot remember the last time we kissed as foreplay. I can't remember the last time we french kissed at all."

"It's never this is the reason(s) why, lets fix this. It's always something different or he just gets annoyed at me and starts a fight with me for voicing my concerns."

Sorry, EAB, this is not just "the typical sex is getting boring thing." This guy has no respect for her, nor any desire whatsoever to listen, learn and try what makes her happy and feel good.

 
Old 01-20-2010, 06:32 AM   #8
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Re: Boyfriend Doesn't Want Sex, But Masturbates.

I totally disagree with EAB.

I think that it is strange that he wants anal every single time. There are fetishes and then there are obsessions. And this one is getting in the way of his relationship.

I don't see any fixing this either. He won't even talk about it. Where can you go from there? No where.

 
Old 03-10-2010, 07:16 PM   #9
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Re: Boyfriend Doesn't Want Sex, But Masturbates.

seems to me u should initiate

how about waking him up with bj

or asking to watch him masturbate..then masturbate in front of him

or ask him about a mfm threesome

 
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