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Old 05-03-2010, 06:48 AM   #1
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Was I sexually assaulted?

A few days ago, a close friend I've known for a few years invited me over to his house. He wanted to know about my sexual history and other stuff about sex so I told him. Then he goes on about how guys want a woman that's confident in bed. I should of read between the lines in the message he sent me online and not gone over to his house.

I'm sure naive for being 30 and he knew that I'd give in whatever he told me to do because I liked him a lot as a friend.

We go inside, he gives me a front to front hug and says it between me and him only. Then I follow him into his room. He tells me to "get naked" Then I was like I didn't feel right about it because he's getting married to my best friend I've known since we were kids. He pressures me and talks me into it then guides me what to do. Then the "act" was somewhat painful and I told him to stop and he wouldn't right away and told me it's supposed to hurt.

After that I got dressed and he tells me to leave.

From the time I was there until I left it lasted like an hour and a half. I was in shock and still am that he would have me do something like that. Last night I was upset about and couldn't sleep. If my best friend ever finds out it wil break her heart and she'll probably hate me for life.

I want to confront him for what he did to me

Last edited by Carebear2010; 05-03-2010 at 07:03 AM. Reason: adding more info

 
Old 05-03-2010, 12:29 PM   #2
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Re: Was I sexually assaulted?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Carebear2010 View Post
... He tells me to "get naked" Then I was like I didn't feel right about it because he's getting married to my best friend I've known since we were kids. ... If my best friend ever finds out it will break her heart and she'll probably hate me for life.
Do you still think that it is a good idea for your best friend to marry this guy? If you were marrying someone, and that someone sexually assaulted your best friend, wouldn't you want to know BEFORE you got married to him?
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Last edited by Machaon; 05-03-2010 at 12:31 PM.

 
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Old 05-03-2010, 12:47 PM   #3
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Re: Was I sexually assaulted?

In my opinion it doesn't sound like you were assaulted

Last edited by rosequartz; 05-03-2010 at 12:50 PM.

 
Old 05-03-2010, 01:55 PM   #4
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Re: Was I sexually assaulted?

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Originally Posted by Machaon View Post
Do you still think that it is a good idea for your best friend to marry this guy? If you were marrying someone, and that someone sexually assaulted your best friend, wouldn't you want to know BEFORE you got married to him?
I don't think she'll believe me.

 
Old 05-03-2010, 01:56 PM   #5
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Re: Was I sexually assaulted?

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Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
In my opinion it doesn't sound like you were assaulted
Why would you say that?

 
Old 05-03-2010, 02:00 PM   #6
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Re: Was I sexually assaulted?

it doesn't seem that he forced you.
when he said get naked, you had the choice not to
why did you agree to it?

 
Old 05-03-2010, 02:13 PM   #7
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Re: Was I sexually assaulted?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Carebear2010 View Post
I don't think she'll believe me.
Actually, whether or not she believes that he assaulted you, or not, the main issue is that her loving, dedicated, "until death do us part", betrothed groom cheated on her with her best friend!

OTOH, it is possible for a man to assault a woman by overcoming her reluctance to have sex through intimation and aggressiveness, especially if the woman is shy, and/or gullible, and/or easily lead by others, and is attracted to the "gentleman". Sounds like you were intimidated into doing something that you would not normally have done, but in a moment of weakness, obviously did, and have regretted ever since.

You weren't the one who forced a sexual encounter on him, it was the other way around, based on what you have previously said.

However...... both of you share in the blame for this sexual tryst, and your best friend would not be very understanding of either of you!
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Old 05-03-2010, 02:23 PM   #8
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Re: Was I sexually assaulted?

Quote:
Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
it doesn't seem that he forced you.
when he said get naked, you had the choice not to
why did you agree to it?
I was in shock about the whole situation. I told him I didn't feel right about it because of my best friend. Then he just brushed if off like no big deal.

 
Old 05-03-2010, 02:24 PM   #9
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Re: Was I sexually assaulted?

you say he's your friend......
he didn't seem to be posing a threat to you
if you were in shock, it seems you would just do nothing.....
why would you make the choice to consent to sex with him?

 
Old 05-03-2010, 02:26 PM   #10
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Re: Was I sexually assaulted?

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Originally Posted by Machaon View Post
Actually, whether or not she believes that he assaulted you, or not, the main issue is that her loving, dedicated, "until death do us part", betrothed groom cheated on her with her best friend!

OTOH, it is possible for a man to assault a woman by overcoming her reluctance to have sex through intimation and aggressiveness, especially if the woman is shy, and/or gullible, and/or easily lead by others, and is attracted to the "gentleman". Sounds like you were intimidated into doing something that you would not normally have done, but in a moment of weakness, obviously did, and have regretted ever since.

You weren't the one who forced a sexual encounter on him, it was the other way around, based on what you have previously said.

However...... both of you share in the blame for this sexual tryst, and your best friend would not be very understanding of either of you!
Yeah, I'm the naive type as far as being attracted to him yes but in a normal situation, I would of never acted on it. He was talking me into something I didn't really want to do

Last edited by Carebear2010; 05-03-2010 at 02:27 PM.

 
Old 05-03-2010, 02:30 PM   #11
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Re: Was I sexually assaulted?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Carebear2010 View Post
Yeah, I'm the naive type as far as being attracted to him yes but in a normal situation, I would of never acted on it. He was talking me into something I didn't really want to do
does it feel more comfortable to you to be in the role of victim?
that way you don't have to take any responsibility
he talked you into it right? you're saying you had no control over your own actions?

 
Old 05-03-2010, 02:34 PM   #12
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Re: Was I sexually assaulted?

IMO, it sounds like you were not assaulted. You don't mention in the original post that you said NO at any point. You say you followed him to the bedroom...sounds like you could have turned around and left. Nowhere do you indicate that you were physically threatened or even intimidated.

What it sounds like is that you feel guilty now and you're looking to blame the guy. Sorry, but it doesn't work that way. Yeah, he cheated...and so did you.

You should tell your friend, but expect that she won't be your friend after this. I don't care how naive at 30 you claim to be- you put yourself in a situation where you were alone with a man who was not single, where you discussed sexual issues and where you willingly followed him to his bedroom. You were complicit. You need to do the right thing, tell your friend, and stay away from that guy from now on, esp. on the off chance that your friend forgives him and they do get married.

 
Old 05-03-2010, 02:44 PM   #13
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Re: Was I sexually assaulted?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Carebear2010 View Post
Yeah, I'm the naive type as far as being attracted to him yes but in a normal situation, I would of never acted on it. He was talking me into something I didn't really want to do
There is no doubt in my mind that you trusted him, and, seeing that he was to marry your best friend, you went to his home without any notion that he would force himself on you.

He surprised you.

He took you off guard.

He compromised his friendship with you, and used his upcoming wedding to your best friend to put you at ease, and then sexually assaulted you. Sexual assault isn't always the result of a violent act. Your situation is similar to a father's sexual assault on his daughter. He doesn't necessarily threaten her. He doesn't necessarily physically force her. He intimidates her and uses his special relationship with her to sexually assault her.

And then when the "act" would be somewhat painful and she would plead with her father to stop, he won't right away and tells her it's supposed to hurt!
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Last edited by Machaon; 05-03-2010 at 02:50 PM.

 
Old 05-03-2010, 03:54 PM   #14
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Re: Was I sexually assaulted?

Quote:
Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
does it feel more comfortable to you to be in the role of victim?
that way you don't have to take any responsibility
he talked you into it right? you're saying you had no control over your own actions?
wow. you don't know me and don't know what happened. I did tell him to stop and tried talking him out of it and he persisted.

 
Old 05-03-2010, 04:10 PM   #15
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Re: Was I sexually assaulted?

Ask yourself this honest question: Are you just looking to blame someone else for something you know you did wrong?

You are, effectively, accusing a man of RAPE. Yet, what you have posted here doesn't sound like rape. You said you followed him into his bedroom, instead of leaving. You took off your clothes of your own volition. You had inappropriate sexual discussions with him prior, of your own volition. You went over to his house when you were invited, alone, even though you knew he was your friend's fiancé. All of this behavior appears to be voluntary on your part. It seems like the height of denial to decide that what appears to have been consensual sex you are now turning into rape in order to absolve yourself of guilt.

What it sounds like is that you may have been reluctant to have sex (because of your friend) but he talked you into it anyway, and now in the cold light of day you regret what you did and you want to be able to blame someone else. However, if you had truly been unwilling, he would not have been able to talk you into it. It sure doesn't sound like he used any type of physical force, or that he tried to block you from leaving, because you have not mentioned anything like that.

Are you willing to put this man in jail for what occurred? If not, then he didn't rape you.

You can get defensive but it really doesn't matter what we think. Only you know if you said NO and if he forced you to have sex. Only you know if you really were that naive that the discussion about sex didn't send up warning flags. Only you know if you were sexually attracted to this man and in the heat of the moment decided that having sex with him was more important than your friendship with your friend.

If he raped you, file charges. If he didn't, then own up to your responsibility in this act, and stop looking for excuses to blame someone else.

 
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