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Old 09-10-2002, 01:08 PM   #1
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lfantell HB User
How important is oral sex in a relationship?

I had a horrible experience with oral sex when I was 19. The same boy who date raped me, held my head and forced me to perform oral sex on him. My ex husband also forced me to do it a couple of times. And I have never been able to bring myself to do it since then or even enjoy it if it is done to me.

I have been to counseling and it wasn't an issue until I started a new relationship. He is not pressuring me or anything, it is just something that I want to be able to do, but can't at the moment. The rest of the relationship is great, but I feel inadequate as a woman and lover because of this.

 
Old 09-10-2002, 07:23 PM   #2
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Re: How important is oral sex in a relationship?

Just look at this way, you were such a hot gorgeous women that those guys that forced you to go down on them just had to have you.Try to take it as a compliment that they were so hot for you.Also some guys honestly think they are turning a women on by being a lil forceful so please don't think they were purposely trying to hurt you or make you feel bad. Anyway just tell your BF that your not ready yet and that YOU want to do it when your ready.I use to have the same problem with my BF for many years. I had been abducted in my past and forced to do this at knife point by 3 black men so I know how you must feel.Don't worry , you'll get over it when your good and ready.

 
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Old 09-10-2002, 09:57 PM   #3
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Re: How important is oral sex in a relationship?

Dsheldon3,you advice to count that as a compliment is so far off base you dont even have a clue. Did you not read her post properly?? It is considered rape what she was forced to do and it had nothing to do with it being a compliment to her.
I have a great relationship with my hubby and we do have some times where we do the force thing because it works for me. But we have safe words in which can be used to make it ok to do. But in her case it wasnt ok even in the slightest. You see with thinking like what you suggested is what gets rapists such short jail times if they see jail time at all. Yeah I am so sure that those two jerks did that to her to show her how hot she was. And yeah sure they werent trying to hurt her they were just looking for a good time. Come on those lines are older than dirt and many,many rapists use them to try to get off the hook of what they did.


Now for the original poster. It depends on the couple in the relationship how important it is. If you feel comfortable with the guy then discuss this with him. Let him know how you are feeling and see how he feels. This way he can have a better understanding of where you are coming from.

 
Old 09-10-2002, 10:47 PM   #4
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Re: How important is oral sex in a relationship?

Well blastoff I was only sharing my own personal experience of how I dealt mentally with the same problem.I wasn't looking to be judged by you or anyone else.Was just trying to share what worked for me.

 
Old 09-11-2002, 04:09 AM   #5
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Re: How important is oral sex in a relationship?

To make it clear. When I was 19, the boy who forced me to perform oral sex, also date raped me. Seperate incidents. He was not a stranger and I thought I was in love with him. When he did these things, he had just come back from basic training and was far stronger than I was. My ex-husband was not attracted to me. I am blond; he told me he didn't care for blonds, etc. So I don't feel that it is an attraction thing for them, but a power thing.

I do go to counseling and am discussing the issue with my counselor. Also, I am very, very fortunate to have such a wonderful boyfriend. He is also a counselor (different kind than mine is) with a master's degree in psychology, so I am sure we will be able to work through the issue. We have talked about it. It just makes me feel awful as a woman. I feel that I can't give him everything. I thought it was over since it happened 18 yrs ago. Funny how the past comes back to haunt you over and over again.

 
Old 09-11-2002, 06:00 AM   #6
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Re: How important is oral sex in a relationship?

Most guys really dig oral sex but many women that have never had your unfortunate experiences don't like to do it for religous reasons, or cleanliness, or whatever. So, you're not the only woman out there that isn't giving any to her man.

I think it's great that you're working with a counselor to address this. I'm sure she/he has you finding other ways to express your love/intimacy for each other. Maybe you'll find one day you want to give it a try, maybe not. But if you are able to manage other methods, it won't be such an issue.

And if it ever happens again, bite down REALLY hard! <IMG SRC="http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/wink.gif">

 
Old 09-11-2002, 09:46 PM   #7
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Re: How important is oral sex in a relationship?

Dsheldon,

I understand that what you said is a coping mechanism for you- but have you ever got any professional counseling for what happened to you?? I think you should because although you have learned to deal with it, I think it is an unhealthy way in which you are dealing with it in the long run- because you are in denial.. and I don't think you want to accept that the reason rape occurs is not because the guy thinks the girl is so hot- but because he thinks he is so powerful and that he has power over whoever he chooses.

 
Old 09-11-2002, 11:04 PM   #8
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Re: How important is oral sex in a relationship?

OK, LOL, How bout this then.I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. <IMG SRC="http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif"> It really doesn't matter how I coped with it the important thing is "I GOT OVER IT "!

 
Old 09-11-2002, 11:20 PM   #9
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lascot HB User
Re: How important is oral sex in a relationship?

I'd guess oral sex is important to most men. my b/f has 30% (flacid) sensation below his spinal injury. not sure why, but, he still requests oral sex. i don't mind. but... that's US. your relationship is about you and your partner. i am generally not shy about saying that i don't want to do something sexual.

remember, you don't have give the extended version as to why the feel the way you do. although, if you two are at that level, sharing is supportive, usually.
LAS

 
Old 09-12-2002, 07:08 AM   #10
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Re: How important is oral sex in a relationship?

Keeping the lines of communication open is very important and it sounds as if he is very caring and considerate. As for feeling inadequate, you certainly shouldn't. If you prefer not to have oral performed on you, that's your choice. As for performing it for him, there are things other than oral and intercourse to keep things spicy and interesting. You can masterbate him and maybe that would lead to increasing levels of comfort if you put your face near his groin as you do that. Perhaps kissing and licking his thighs and belly etc. will also help you feel more comfortable. I am sure that he is satisfied and gratified with you and your sex life and he must care a lot for you to respect your feelings on the matter. Good luck.

 
Old 09-12-2002, 11:46 AM   #11
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Re: How important is oral sex in a relationship?

Man...that such a terrible thing to have happen to you!

My story is a little different...with my ex, he didn't actually physically force me. Maybe pushing my head or pulling my hair in that direction, but it was mostly with his demeaner and his insisting I do it saying things like and do it now you dirty ****! (not in a kinky way either...he was a jerk!) It really felt like rape. I was faced with the situation on a daily basis. Until I finally got up the nerve to leave for good.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I know how you feel. It is hard when such a loving sex act gets turned into something so dirty and meaningless.

Keep going to your counsellor..but ya know after I got into a better situation where respect was offered and shown, I grown to feel different about it. The memories of the past come back at times...but I have a different mind set about it now.

You have a great guy and I bet it'll get easier faster than you expect. Try the getting closer to it idea someone above mentioned and one day without even realizing, you'll be doing it! :-)

Good luck
Mel

 
Old 09-19-2002, 05:45 PM   #12
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lfantell HB User
Re: How important is oral sex in a relationship?

I just want to thank you all for the responses. I think that we will be able to work things out because he is willing to talk about anything. We haven't been together long enough to have sex since that night, so I haven't had a chance to see how it will effect our relationship. I just hope that he doesn't treat me any differently. Like I told him, I had been through those awful experiences long before the first time he and I made love and it was still a beautiful experience. It's his birthday tomorrow, so I am hoping that we get together before too long (we both have pretty busy schedules with work and kids, etc). Again thanks, this is a tough topic for me.

 
Old 09-20-2002, 03:41 PM   #13
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Re: How important is oral sex in a relationship?

Hi Ifantell! If I were you, Id wait until you were feeling really sexually agressive. When you feel like being in control, tie him up! Blindfold him if you want. Do whatever you need to so that you can focus on HIM and how you make him feel. Its the best feeling knowing that what you are doing arouses him and brings him pleasure.

I agree, I think that you should be honest with him and tell him that he'll have to wait until you feel comfortable. (When people pressure me, it pushes me away... so I know how it goes.) You did mention control/power though. Its something you are going to want to have when you finally do perform oral sex on your BF, thats why I mentioned tieing him up or having him blindfolded.

Then the key is to focus on your BF and the sounds he's making and what you are doing to him. Try not to think about the past. Focus on the present and what you are trying to achieve... pleasure.

Best of luck!

~Meg

 
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