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Old 02-10-2001, 07:04 PM   #1
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slowmo HB User
Happily married but still attracted to someone else?

Is it possible to be happily married but still find yourself strongly attracted to someone else? I have not acted on this attraction and don't plan to. I just can't seem to get him out of my head. Is this normal? I have only been married a few years and my husband is great,which makes me feel guilty for even thinking about this other guy. It also makes me question myself and my marriage. Maybe I am not as happy as I thought I was? I also think my husband senses my attraction to this other man. Any suggestion on to get him off my mind? I have never felt like this before. Can anyone relate to this? Thanks.

 
Old 02-12-2001, 08:45 AM   #2
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alazay HB User
Re: Happily married but still attracted to someone else?

As long as you do not act upon this, I think it is okay. It is normal to be attracted to other people. As great as your husband is, he probably does it too. If you are obsessed with thinking about him, that is not normal, but other than that, I think it is harmless.

 
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Old 02-12-2001, 11:30 AM   #3
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Lucky HB User
Re: Happily married but still attracted to someone else?

Hey Slowmo . . .

Okay, you are human, aren't you? Of course you will be attracted to other people. There are other nice looking people out there, you know? It's okay.

I have been with my dh for over 13 years now and have run into this "fatal attraction" experience. Just keep your distance, it will fade. Remember, you love your dh for not only his looks . . . Just think, that guy could be terrible in bed. LOL

You'll be okay. Good Luck.

 
Old 02-14-2001, 04:02 AM   #4
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Re: Happily married but still attracted to someone else?

Hi slowmo and all.

I think maybe the difference is whether the situation is just 'attracted', or 'attracted-attracted'. I pretty much get the vibes of the latter in this case.

If it is the latter, something is wrong and should most likely be addressed about the existing relationship. If it's just attracted ("what a great or sexy person he/she is"), with no thoughts of personal follow-up, (other than perhaps a harmless fantasy, or even less), then you are just about like everybody else. No?

JollyRoger <IMG SRC="http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif">

 
Old 02-14-2001, 08:26 AM   #5
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Re: Happily married but still attracted to someone else?

it is perfectly normal to find yourself attracted to another person. Just ask yourself what is it about this person you find attractive... are they just sexy in a lustful way? or are they sexy becuase of other emotional thing, you like the way they treat you.. do they connect with other people better ..they are in a better financial situation do they have children and you don't .... basically is there something they have that you want but aren't getting in your marriage. By analizing your feelings about this other person you may find there is something in your marriage that you can work on or make better. I am sure you love your husband and he makes you happy but there is always something we can work on together even when we have great marriages! that is what marriage is about after all...growth indiviually, together and making each other happy. <IMG SRC="http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif">

Steph

 
Old 02-15-2001, 09:09 AM   #6
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Re: Happily married but still attracted to someone else?

Cranlite,

Couldn't have said it better myself. Wonderfully put.

Lucky

 
Old 02-21-2001, 06:57 AM   #7
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Re: Happily married but still attracted to someone else?

There are so many adages that cover this 'the grass is always greener....' 'We always want most what we can't have', The challenge is to conquer, not to have'....many more. It is PERFECTLY normal to find others attractive
YOU ARE MARRIED, NOT DEAD!
I am a guy in my late 30's, I have been told I'm good looking, although I don't look at myself that way. There are many single teachers and assistants at the school I work at whom I enjoy talking to and am attracted to. There are some who are absolutly incredible looking, mid to late 20's etc. who drop me 'cute' notes and e-mails all the time.
I have even found myself fantasizing about some of them and wondering the big 'IF ONLY'.
I sit with them at lunch time and some times they casually put a hand on my arm or leg...they BLAST female pheremones like a cat in heat. It sometimes makes me shudder (not the bad kind at all).
Come on, lets be serious, we are only human. I've been married 10 years, I'm happy with 2 kids and an incredible house and organic farm property. Of course it would be great to 'capitalize' on these 'possiblilities' but to what end. Will you be happy? For the moment yes, but to what end? What will it do to your life in general...these are what we relly need to look at.
Good luck....enjoy life...enjoy others and yourself, and worry not about attractions. They are natural. Can you imagine if you were never attracted to anyone? You would NEVER have any friends at all. Good freinds are attractions too...both male and female!

 
Old 02-25-2001, 09:15 PM   #8
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Re: Happily married but still attracted to someone else?

All of the previous responses cover what I was going to say. It is normal!! What helped me transfer my feelings back into by relationship with my husband was when we decided to go out on date. I went to a friends to get ready, he picked me up there with flowers and the whole bit. We went out for dinner and our conversation had to be about things we typically don't talk about. Nothing about bills, kids, etc. It is hard to create small talk when you know each other so well, but it is fun. We then went to a movie and shared popcorn and all the "first date" stuff. Well, shame on me, I went home with him after our "first date"! The date helped me remember all the little things that attracted me to him in the first place.

Also, one thing to remember about other men is that they all burp and do other things that are less than attractive. It just takes a while to realize this when you only see them from across the office or share a lunch break in the break room or whatever.

If you begin to cross lines and act on your attractions you then may have some serious marital issues to address. But, as it's been said, simple physical attraction to others is mormal. Thank Goodness!!

 
Old 02-25-2001, 09:49 PM   #9
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Re: Happily married but still attracted to someone else?

Maybe this fellow your interested in has something about him that your husband doesn't have. That doesn't mean I think you should run off with this guy, but maybe you have an issue you need to work out with your husband. Or maybe this other guy likes you and you need to tell him to lay off because it is stressing you out. Just explore all the options. <IMG SRC="http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/wink.gif">

 
Old 03-07-2001, 03:39 PM   #10
 
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straightleg HB User
Re: Happily married but still attracted to someone else?

Many good comments. Indeed, we are all human. My wife and I sometimes share with each other when we are out about someone one of us finds attractive. I've always likened it to "there are many beautiful flowers in the garden, but the one I picked blooms perfectly." By that, I mean that I love my wife dearly, but I also recognize there are other beautiful women in the world.

But more importantly, I submit that a few hours of ecstacy in an extramarital affair can cause a life time of misery. Don't think the spouse cannot, or will not find out. If you could only imagine how devistating it is to the spouse whom is cheated on, you'd never think twice about doing it. It sounds like you have everything in life you need, I'd surely not risk a life time of misery and regret for a few hours of romance.

straightleg

 
Old 03-11-2001, 12:44 AM   #11
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Re: Happily married but still attracted to someone else?

You are perfectly normal. Although, I completely respect all the responses, I have a different perspective. I have been married for 8 years...together for 12. My hubby is drop dead gorgeous, but that doesn't mean I can't still have interests peaked by others. By nature, we are not monogomous creatures, but we can be by choice. We simply do not make that choice. Sex and sexual urges and fantasies are a normal part of life. The trouble is that most of us are not completely honest with each other. We want one thing, but settle for another. We fantasize about one fetish, person, or experience, but we pretend or downplay it's intensity because we don't want to upset our partner. The last thing anyone wants is to make our partner uncomfortable or insecure.....so undoubtedly we suppress ourselves. Why should you feel bad about being attracted to someone else....it doesn't make you love your hubby any less, does it? Your not doing it out of spite or a lack of sex, right? So why does a little thing like sex have to come in the way of your marriage. Sex and emotion have little to do with each other. As long as boundaries are clearly defined ahead of time, sex doesn't have to be about love. Don't get me wrong, making love is a spritual experience when shared with the one you love, but a screw is just a screw. I don't say it like that to be crude, but seriously...it's just casual sex. If he is aware or is a part of it, just think at the level of true sexual honesty your marriage has elevated to. I'm not promoting open marriage for everyone because it takes a very special combination of people to truely make this work. What I am saying is that cheating is cowardly and is a betrayl that is almost always unrepairable. Instead, be open with each other...be honest. I'm not saying go right into this...good God, I'm sure he would freak, but bring up some possibilities while you are making love. Ask him to be brutally honest about one of his fantasies...but the kicker is you have to be capable of handling his desires as well. Ask yourself if that is something you could realistically handle. If you act on your attraction behind his back, then yes, your marriage has obvious problems, BUT there are other ways to experience a little risky business without ruining the trust you both have in one another. If you believe that he would be completely close minded to even the subject of honest fantasies, then this is probably not an option for you at this time, but I wanted to give you an alternative perspective.

 
Old 03-15-2001, 12:12 AM   #12
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Lotuslaurie HB User
Re: Happily married but still attracted to someone else?

You should check out lovingmore.com...

 
Old 03-15-2001, 07:48 AM   #13
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Re: Happily married but still attracted to someone else?

How do you get over this feeling? I met another man (friends) about 8 yrs ago (was already married-military & in the barracks) and we became close. Ever since then I think about him every day constantly. I feel I am totally obsessed w/him. Recently, I found him on the internet and he is married. My heart dropped. Is there something wrong w/me? Am I going way too far with this? He's about 2000 miles away and I'll probably never see him again but, I did write him a letter. I was falling for him (when we first met) but, never reacted to it and thank goodness my husband came overseas and I had to move out of the barracks. But, I still can't get this feeling or him out of my head. Can you guys give me any advice. Maybe because my marriage isn't the greatest and that's why I think of him all the time!? ARRGGHH!

 
Old 03-15-2001, 07:57 AM   #14
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Re: Happily married but still attracted to someone else?

ZOO:

You never 'get over' the feeling...other feelings take its place. Look at what is positive in your hubby. Marriages are not perfect OR 'made in heaven'. Not one person I know is totally happy with the marriage they are in...we are all different people. We resolve ourselves to overlook those things which we don't like...we have to.
You will never see this guy again...and he is married. He is a lost cause. Realize this deep down and the fantasy will finish.
B

 
Old 03-15-2001, 04:37 PM   #15
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Re: Happily married but still attracted to someone else?

How about checking out lovingmore.com?

 
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