Speculums and PAPs are uncomfortable for all women.
Maybe the best way to deal with this is simply to accept that it will be uncomfortable, but fast.
If you can tell the doctor about your fears and ask that he just do it as quickly as possible.
It doesn't take but a few seconds; the speculum should not need to be inserted for more than a minute, probably less.
The thing is, it really is crucial you get this screening test.
It is entirely possible for a virgin to get cervical cancer, although your risk is less.
Not to mention that you're getting to an age where other reproductive health problems can arise (uterine/ endometrial problems, etc), and you are simply going to need to have routine pelvic exams (which include the insertion of a speculum), just like everyone else, if you're to remain healthy and avoid disease.
I hope I don't sound heartless or unsympathetic, but a speculum is way bigger than a penis, and it doesn't feel comfortable to anyone, regardless of whether they've had sex. Many women find it painful, actually. But we still have to do it, for our health.
I think lowering your expectations and accepting that it might be uncomfortable or even painful might actually help you; focus on getting it over with fast
, rather than on "relaxing", etc, which sounds like it merely drags out the process unendurably. It's okay to be tense during a pelvic exam; most women are. It's a natural response. The exam still needs to be done. After you've had a few of them, you won't be nervous any more, it will just be routine (if disagreeable), like a man getting a prostate exam.
Best of luck.
I think maybe the only women who don't find it painful are those who have given birth vaginally.
I've given birth vaginally twice and am currently 4 months pregnant with my third child.
Pelvic exams are still uncomfortable, and sometimes painful.
Childbirth really doesn't 'stretch out your vagina' much if at all (vaginas are pretty elastic), in fact one's vagina can actually end up tighter than it originally was, if one has an episiotomy (where they cut your vagina to enlarge it, and then stitch it back up after the birth). This intervention is fairly routine, especially when it comes to women delivering their first child.
In other cases, the vagina tears slightly during childbirth, and the doctors stitch it back up. In this case, also, the vagina is likely to end up tighter than it originally was.