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Old 12-13-2011, 11:32 AM   #1
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Question Sex life dying in relationship... and killing it.

Hi, this is my first post on this forum and I hope you can help me out.

I am a 27 y/o guy in a relationship with my Girlfriend whom I love very much for three years now. We live together and there are talks about marriage.

We have issues about sex. I am a very sexual person and have always loved sex . She likes it less, and is also affected a lot by pressure which I think lowers her sex drive. We have the following problems with sex that I think are damaging our relationship a lot:
1. After about 10 mins of sex, it becomes painful to her... this means that I always have to "wrap things up" fast, and there is also no option for a second round.
2. Oral sex is pretty much out the question. She doesn't wan't me to give her any, and I have to beg to receive it. When she does give me oral sex (very rare), its usually when we are both drunk so I don't come from it - also because she doesn't do it as good as other girls I've been with (which I think disappoints her).
3. She does not like sex without a condom (I think she is repulsed by semen) even though she has birth control pills and we are both disease-free. This upsets me
4. She doesn't like any other sexual position except missionary which is REALLY getting boring after three years.
5. She gets embarrassed from talking about sex so I can't really tell her whats on my mind (I have tried, and it always ends up with her getting offended or us having a fight).
6. I feel like she only has sex with me because she feels like its the minimum amount she needs to give me in order for me to stay with her...

Now, reading all this makes me think to myself "What the hell ?! Run away while you still can!", but take in mind that I love this girl. I truly want to marry her and make her the mother of my kids, my happy wife, and crazy rich (workin' on it)...

But... I keep obsessing about sex in my head, thinking back on girls I've been with who had a higher sex drive and where up for some fun stuff...

What can I do ?!?!?
(Sorry for the long msg, I had a lot on my mind...)

 
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Old 12-18-2011, 07:34 PM   #2
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Re: Sex life dying in relationship... and killing it.

She sounds REALLY,REALLY immature... You can't even talk about sex with her without her getting embarrassed? How old is she?

I know marriage is based on much more then sex,but honestly,if the sex is bad now,it will only get worse with marriage.I would never marry someone I had bad sex with,but that is just me.

 
Old 12-19-2011, 06:23 PM   #3
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Re: Sex life dying in relationship... and killing it.

If you are having this much problem with sex and you guys are not married it will only get worst. The fact that you can't express how you feel about your sex life is bad. That is how a relationship survive you communicate it will surely prevent cheating/ you getting sexual pleasure from someone else. Sex is a big part of a relationship and after 3 year you guys have no problem communicating about your sexual needs

 
Old 12-19-2011, 08:01 PM   #4
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Re: Sex life dying in relationship... and killing it.

Dude, this girl either has some pretty deep-seated emotional issue pertaining to sex, combined, perhaps, with a medical condition, and/or the previous comment is on the money = IMMATURE.

Hate to judge, but being that inhibited about sex in this day and age is kinda questionable. I'm saying this as a female whom, back in my twenties, wasn't too gung ho for sex either. It didn't hurt, but it wasn't all that great either. I had body image issues, so didn't like too many positions because of how I might look, not to mention some of what the boyfriends wanted to do required varying amounts of skill, and I felt I ought to just be able to do it, so it was, at times, embarrassing. Kinda like hitting an advanced yoga class, and being upset because you can't reach/hold certain poses right off the bat. I learned later that certain things take practice, and a certain level of fitness, lol. To boot, really only one position would let me reach orgasm (me on top), so when presented with my choice, it was that one.

Today, at the ripe, old age (:P) of thirty-five, I'm enjoying sex much, much more. I'm in a fresh, fantastic relationship, complete with a few complications (which brought me to this forum), but so many doors have been opened for me in regard to my sex life. A good partner, and healthy self-esteem work wonders! Maybe she needs enlightenment, that sex is good, fun, natural, and incredibly fulfilling when you're with someone you have a bond with.

Maybe she's got the same body issues? It did make me a bit of a prude, positions, telling a guy what I liked, etc. But the facts that she doesn't seem to want to please you, and that it can be physically painful, lead me to the other verdict, that she has some real issue(s). A friend of mine had surgery on her cervix when she was sixteen, as her pap came back with cancer concerns, and she's twenty now, and sometimes she and her bf can't do it, as it's too painful for her. Perhaps something like this is (part of) the problem? Maybe even something involving abuse, or even a certain view point of all things sexual in her upbringing could cause her distain, and the pain bit is just an excuse.

A frank talk about it is probably the only way to find out, and if she cares about you, she's got to realize she's got to communicate her issues. Serious relationships and marriages shouldn't be completely dependent on sex, but it does play a big part, and a larger part for some people than others. I'd definitely have a chat with her, and if she's uncommunicative about something this important... well, not telling you what to do, but you did say it; Run for the hills. It could save you some heart ache later. Good luck!!

 
Old 12-26-2011, 10:02 AM   #5
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Re: Sex life dying in relationship... and killing it.

i tend to agree with the opinions of the other posters. You are sexually incompatible and that will not get better. It will get worse and you will resent it and get angry.

 
Old 01-02-2012, 11:33 AM   #6
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Re: Sex life dying in relationship... and killing it.

on the other hand...
The love you have for this girl is pretty strong...

I've been with the man who is now my husband of 13years
for 16 1/2 years
we were not each others firsts. we have talked about past experiences and made unfair compares...obviously we are not with those other people doing those other things for a reason...we want each other

We lived together before we got married. We had a child. We were engaged.
But we didn't set a date. After a while...it seemed the wedding wouldn't happen?
I wasn't sure we should get married. So...We actually decided NOT to have sex until our wedding night....so it would be special (even though we lived in the same house) That was difficult..but exciting too.

It made us focus more on "us" as a couple and holding hands, doing other non-sexual things spending time together.

It was less than a year we were married.

We also talked about how in some marriages accidents happen and one marriage mate can not perform sexually.
How important would sex be then? How much more important would simple intimacy be?
Are you romantic? Do you spend time warming her up? The birth control pills probably kill her desire as well!
She needs to know whats important to you...but if you pressure her too much she may think that's all you're caring/thinking about mostly???

 
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