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Old 05-17-2012, 06:32 AM   #1
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How to loosen him up, make him interested in my whole body

I am in a monogamous two-year relationship with a man 12 years my junior. Admittedly he has not had many previous partners, although he is 51. He is surprisingly good in bed as far as stamina, longevity, variety of strokes, control over when he comes, etc. Although I enjoy sex with him very much, I never have an orgasm from vagiial intercourse, and he doesn't know his way around me well enough give me one with his hand. He is a little squeamish about the female genitalia (although he is obsessed with my small breasts). I often do oral on him because I love to. He has no interest in returning the favor. He once used the terms "embarrassing" and "taboo" to describe either my genitalia or the act of doing oral sex on me. I have asymptomatic (I take acyclovir and L-lysine to the nth degree) herpes. (I have no known outbreaks, although I understand that I could be shedding at any time). He knows this and has no reservations about unprotected vaginal sex with me. I would insist we use a barrier (dental dam made from a nitrile glove) if he were to give me oral. He is taking baby steps in exploring me digitally with nitrile gloves. I am hopeful that he will become comfortable with touching me and learn how to please me. He has no objection to my using my Hitachi Magic Wand, but my giving myself an orgasm with it does not hold his interest (he jokingly says the buzzing sound of it is like a lullaby--it puts him to sleep). I wish he found my body as interesting and glorious as I do his. Also he does not verbalize much while in bed with me. There is very little feedback or talking. Once I started to speak, and he said, "I'm concentrating". He doesn't want to get into the experience as much as I. We have done a little anal play. I can tell he enjoys it very much, but he has the guy mind set that if he enjoys anal, it somehow makes him gay. So afterward he always says that he didn't really enjoy it. I know he wants to please me (he does in other aspects of life). I'm always awake and there for his orgasms. I am always alone in mine. I have a well-developed sense of my G-spot and can ejaculate. He has never been around for that--I think it might scare him! How can I loosen him up a little? How can I interest him in my orgasm and in my body?

 
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Old 05-18-2012, 08:59 PM   #2
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Re: How to loosen him up, make him interested in my whole body

I was married to a man very similar to whom you are describing sexually, believe me honey, they can't loosen up. No mattter what you do or how far you go to get him to respond to you the way you need, it won't happpen. There was always some excuse or reason why I could never get what I needed from him. In every other aspect of our marriage he was good, but this problem couldn't be overcome. Don't waste any more time on him, put him to the curb. I divorced after 20 years of marriage, and a real man found me, a man who is interested in and loves me beyond anything I have ever imagined.

 
Old 05-20-2012, 09:29 PM   #3
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Re: How to loosen him up, make him interested in my whole body

Oh, my, I asked for advice and you gave it. It never occurred to me that with all his other wonderful qualities someone might think I should kick him to the curb. It is strange that I have become so overly interested in sex. Previous to this, I was with another man for six years also fourteen years my junior. Lately I end up going with much younger men. I don't seek them. People tell me that I do not act or look anywhere near my my age (63). Most guess forties max fifties. Maybe that is why. Anyway, the reason I mentioned this is because I was not very sexually attarcted to the other guy, (we had a little sexual attraction in the beginning, but toward the end it was only once or twice a year and pretty disappointing when it did happen), but I am very much sexually attracted to my present boyfriend. It has not decreased but rather increased over the year and a half we have been going together. It was a revelation and a joy to discover that I could be so attracted to someone at this stage in life. And I do not want to give that up. Maybe I have gone off the deep end lately becoming so sex-obsessed. Not a bad problem to have, really, except I think I use it as a kind of escape or distraction from the fact that I am dissatisfied in my work life. Because I am so frustrated and don't know what to do to change my circumstnces, I put my energy into sexual thoughts and activities. It is to compensate for lack in other areas of my life and is one of the few pleasurable aspects of my life currently. I get a lift from the endorphins or oxytocin or whatever is released during sex. I don't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater (no pun intended) if he is teachable and willing to learn. I like to think that nothing is impossible if you love the man.

 
Old 05-20-2012, 09:36 PM   #4
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Re: How to loosen him up, make him interested in my whole body

Also I wonder whether I would find anyone else who would want me at 63. I am also overwhelmed at the thought of being alone and putting myself out there once again.

 
Old 05-20-2012, 09:43 PM   #5
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Re: How to loosen him up, make him interested in my whole body

Also I forgot to mention that I have never wanted these things from anyone else. Only this man. I was not interested in receiving oral from the other guy. I didn't love him in that way. I am interested in it with this man. Why it should suddenly become so important to me is a mystery.

 
Old 05-21-2012, 05:14 AM   #6
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Re: How to loosen him up, make him interested in my whole body

If at his age he is still so squeamish around sex organs, there's not much you can do. He is too old to still have such hang ups like he does and you can't teach an old dog new tricks. Unfortunately with someone like him, you have to decide it for yourself how important this is to you, whether you can live with dating a prude and not getting the kind of sex life you want OR if it's a deal breaker and time to find someone else who at least has a more mature and less childish perspective than this guy does.

Just like with any other relationship problem, you can't be in a relationship with someone and expect them to change just to please you. You have to either accept them for who they are right now presently or else accept the fact that you are not compatible and move on. People, especially women, get into relationships with guys all the time whom they see as "projects" who they think have an unlimited amount of "potential" to "someday" be the guy that is perfect for them. That is the worst possible thing for a person to do because going into a relationship expecting someone to be something they are not means from the get go that you are not compatible with them and would be better off not wasting your time on the relationship in the first place. If everyone just kept that in mind and never settled for someone who might "be better" someday, there would be a lot fewer miserable people stuck in relationships with incompatible partners.

Bottom line is, he is who he is and what he does or doesn't like or say or do is what he is. Either you accept it or you don't but only you can make that decision. Decide for yourself what is a deal breaker and what is not and then you will have your answer.

 
Old 05-21-2012, 08:05 AM   #7
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Re: How to loosen him up, make him interested in my whole body

OK, I have two responses and they have basically said the same thing: you can't change people. I don't know why that never occurred to me. I kept thinking that the solution was to do things to make him more interested in the type of sex I want. But you are both right. And it is very unloving of me not to accept him as he is. So I definitely have some thinking to do. There is still much good in the relationship. Also the timing is wrong for me to try to elicit even minor changes in the relationship. His mother (to whom he was very close--but not in an abnormal way) passed away within the past year, and I know he is still grieving and trying his best to adjust. She was getting on in years and ill, and he lived with her and took very good care of her. I think they were also best friends as well as mother and son. Another thing to consider is the fact that a guy who has lived in the same house as his mom (in years past his brother and father were there also) since 1962 is not a guy who likes change. He is a very slow mover, but when he learns that something is important to me, he comes through for me. I have heard many times that a man who is good to his mom will be good to you. And he is the most considerate guy I have ever gone with as far as making my comfort a priority, etc.. He often checks in with me, saying things like, "How are you doing, honey?", etc. I think that one of the things that baffles me most about him is that he can be so very talkative when not in the bedroom, but so silent when he is. This guy never met a stranger, male or female. He tries to interject humor into situations, is always nice to service personnel, etc., has many very nice friends who would do anything for him, is so much fun to be around. In that respect, he is just like his mom was. She was such a great lady. He has to be doing something all the time and has always been that way. If it is sunny outside, it kills him to be inside. He would rather tinker with motorcycles or cars or mow one of his two lawns (he built a beautiful house from the ground up that he will never live in now that he is keeping his mom's house and living there). There isn't much he can't do as far as mechanical things, construction, cars, etc. He is so good at so many things and so smart (the whole extended family of cousins is sharp) that sometimes I feel lacking in comparison. I don't have much interest in or know much about politics, so I feel it is better for me to remain silent on these issues than reveal my ignorance around his family members. He comes from a terrific family, not dysfunctional like mine was. I have a lot of difficulty seeing myself living with him in his mom's house. It is decorated to an 83-year-old woman's taste. All her belongings are still as they were when she died. Maybe it is a comfort to him. I live live in a tiny, dark, underground box of an apartment with extremely noisy neighbors etc. It would be a dream for me to get out of here, so you can see how frustrated I am to think that I have this wonderful guy (whom I love and who loves me) but I can't be with him. Breaking up is very difficult for me to fathom. I have no family nearby and my life would be very small without him. I sometimes think I am in love with his family as much as I am with him.

 
Old 05-21-2012, 08:21 AM   #8
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Re: How to loosen him up, make him interested in my whole body

He is anything but immature in other aspects of life, but at 51 stills refers to the sex act as "hammering" and to my breasts as "hooters". That does sound more like a high school kid talking than a man. I guess we are both young for our age LOL. It is part of his charm, but it also bothers me. Now if that isn't contradictory, what is?

 
Old 05-21-2012, 08:24 PM   #9
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Re: How to loosen him up, make him interested in my whole body

I put things bluntly, because I lived this scenario. I wasted precious time on someone who didn't deserve it; it never changed. I kept thinking that if, just if, I did this or that, if he would relax... if, if, if. We both were good on paper (if you know what I mean), we had the same goals and we met them, we had it all, literally.
The last ten years, I was climbing the walls, many talks, many fights. He never got it, or atleast that is what I thought. I now know he didn't have it in him. He thought our sex life was pretty good... and it was... for him. What gets me is when you say he won't talk back with you... he is concentrating, good grief these two could be brothers. He is concentrating on himself not you.
Sex became very important to me as it is to you now, why, because your needs are not being met and your partner is not even trying to meet your needs. I struggled with the idea of living in a marriage where my needs were not considered and I asked myself, could I live the rest of my life the way it was, because everything else was all I ever wanted and I couldn't have asked for more. I couldn't do it! I changed so much during that time that I didn't recognize myself and I was mad at myself for letting that happen. I figured I would be alone the rest of my life and that was that, but it was better than the marriage I ended. Six years passed and someone pulled me out of the abyss (kicking and screeaming I might add) over these past two years. A real man, one who has had a rough road to hoe with me because of all I went through. It's like night and day.
My point is... do not let your age stop you from getting what you want and what you need. Life is too short for the BS.

 
Old 05-22-2012, 09:57 AM   #10
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Re: How to loosen him up, make him interested in my whole body

Here are some of the reasons I want to keep the relationship. He is the most considerate, cute, competent, smart, and funny (a sense of humor is very sexy to me) man I have ever met. Vaginal intercourse with him is extremely satisfying for me and feels wonderful. If I am aroused enough, he hits my G-spot, and I feel close to coming He is exceptional as far as stamina, control over when he comes, vareity of strokes, etc. (Gosh, we can stop for a while, go watch a movie, and pick up right where we left off!). His size is absolutely perfect. He can perform feats I have never known a man to, such as keep thrusting for a very long time after he has ejaculated. So the guy has plenty of talent. None of it is quite enough to make me come, though, either clitorally or vaginally. It isn't that he doesn't want to please me, he just doesn't know how. I an reticent to say I am not getting some of what I want for fear of hurting him. So I have to take responsibility for my own part in our lack of progress. Also, I don't even know how to explain to him or show him what it is I want him to do to me! I am getting awfully good now at pleasuring myself, but I'm not sure I could show another person how to do it: the strokes, the pressure, etc. Gosh, it is even elusive to me, and it's my own body I am touching! Sometimes it takes me an hour or two for me to have a squirting orgasm! There's no way he is able to touch me in that way for that long. His hands go numb. Aren't we all the person best able to pleasure ourselves? We have been doing it since childhood. We are familiar with the "territory". Isn't it a little unfair to expect another person to do it as well or with as much dispatch? Is it possible I have conditioned myself through excessive masturbation of my G-spot to only respond to my own touch? Now with the Hitachi Magic Wand, it is a different story. I can have a clitoral orgasm quickly and many times over. He is willing to use it on me. Some modern sex manuals suggest that all women enforce the "House Rules": ladies come first. Nothing else happens until the lady has at least one orgasm; and, for me, that is easily accomplished with the Hitachi. It also guarantees that I am open and sufficiently aroused, ready to be penetrated. If the lack of his being able to touch me to G-spot orgasm is our most serious problem, then I think life is pretty good. I discussed all of this with the nurse midwife who performed my Pap yesterday, and it was her opinion that I should let the idea of oral go. She said some guys aren't into doing it just like some women aren't. I like to do it to him, he doesn't like to do it to me, so what? Reciprocity of oral is not a deal-breaker for me. Her suggestion was to always make my breasts part of our sex play (since that is his primary source of stimulation), and continue to educate him in loving and non-threatening ways about all the rest. She is very knowledgeable about sex and has heard it all, so I am putting stock in her advice.

 
Old 05-22-2012, 03:44 PM   #11
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Re: How to loosen him up, make him interested in my whole body

Good luck to you and I mean that will all sincerity.
Just ask yousrself one last question... if you wouldn't give him what he wants and needs sexually, what would he do? Would he squash his wants and desires or would he eventually go somewhere else?

 
Old 05-23-2012, 05:15 AM   #12
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Re: How to loosen him up, make him interested in my whole body

Thank you everyone for all your helpful posts. I think I have enough info now to make a decision. Thank you.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 05-23-2012 at 06:20 AM. Reason: Please post board use questions on the Registration/Membership/Site Problems Message Board. Thanks.

 
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