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Old 11-11-2012, 05:59 PM   #1
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Extremely sexually incompatible

I'm 25 years old, and my fiance is 29. We've been together for 4 years. For the first few months we were dating, we always had sex. After the newness wore off - not after a couple of years or even a year, but just a few months - he seemed to completely lose interest in me sexually. I tried initiating, I tried leaving him alone, I tried talking about it, I tried stuffing my feelings, I tried sexy lingerie and all the cliche things women do to be seductive. I look exactly the same as I did when we met, and he tells me I look sexy/pretty/beautiful often. I am also constantly telling him how attracted I am to him, and he says he appreciates that I make him feel special.

He masturbates on average every 3 days or so. Sometimes he watches porn and sometimes not. He says that he only masturbates to experience the release but not because he is feeling sexual. He will masturbate to get rid of a hard on in the morning or to help him fall asleep at night. When I sometimes walk in on his masturbating, I offer to join him and he always says no, that he is just masturbating for the reasons I just said he gives. I've checked his computer, and there is no evidence of a porn addiction. He does not seem to want to have sex with other women and I have absolutely no reason to think he is cheating on me. There is no evidence or any intuition telling me he would be cheating.

I masturbate daily and want sex every day, but I don't start getting frustrated until a couple of weeks go by. He assumes I am frustrated basically all the time, which causes tension. We probably have sex about 12 times a year. Sometimes 2 of those will be closer together, and sometimes 6 weeks will go by.

I've read a lot about asexual people, trying to come to terms that maybe he is asexual and it has nothing to do with his love for me. I can't fully believe this, though, because when we do have sex, it is really great and comes off as a normal dominant male type, which I love. He tells me that, because we now have multiple years of awkwardness and angst around sex, he has built an automatic aversive response to the idea of sex. Even when I feel that it is a natural time for us to progress into sex from kissing or being silly together, he does not feel that same natural sexual desire.

I have read that some couples schedule sex together. We don't have kids or anything, and we spend enough undivided time together that scheduling sex is weird. I did ask for that at one point, and the first scheduled night was great and we had fun. But the next week, it was too awkward because we were both anticipating it anxiously - but for different reasons - so it didn't happen. We never tried since.

I've followed a therapist's advise and asked for him to give me sexual attention even when he doesn't want to have sex - such as giving me oral or manual stimulation with kissing. He also tried this one or twice a year ago, but he said it still felt forced and he didn't want to do anything that felt forced.

He does not have any problem with achieving an erection, and he had a hormone test which showed normal testosterone levels. Also, he is a workaholic and he is a very anxious person, so I think that either a) he just isn't a sexual person, but he loves me, which is what he says; or b) he has extreme anxiety problems, so he doesn't have the ability to let go and be in the moment with me, projecting his anxiety onto sexual situations and shutting them down. He does not want to take medication for anxiety.

Besides sex, we are very intimate in other ways. We kiss, cuddle, and have deep conversations. Because we have such a strong bond in other ways, I've decided to stay with him, but I don't feel that it's unreasonable to want him to attend therapy with me or on his own. We have good communication, but talking about our opposite feelings about sex does not actually fix anything except the awkward silences. I feel like it only puts more pressure on him that makes the situation worse, but when I hold it in and keep it to myself for too long, I get depressed and resentful.

I am looking for any kind of advice, hopefully from someone who has experienced what I go through. I want to feel desired and loved and special just like any other sexual being. What is reasonable for me to ask of him? What can I do to better deal with the sadness, disappointment and depression I have to constantly relive?

 
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Old 11-19-2012, 02:18 AM   #2
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Re: Extremely sexually incompatible

Wow, I admire you.

If I watch porn, and get caught by my wife. She will reject to have sex with me, for a week! Not to mention the masturbation.

Now, I realize, masturbation - a lot - after marriage can destroy the relationship of marriage. Watching porn -too much- may manifests a comparison, as if the new visualization is adorable than old one, ---for men. For a woman, it causes a jealousy, yeah which woman like to be compared with other woman? None.

Actually, by compounding the sperm , by holding for not masturbating, can give a full and hard erection when intercourse happens. I can arrange the stamina better, by squeezing PC muscle, which is my favorite method.

I think you should not let your husband masturbate too much. But I didn't say I'm not. Sometimes I need it, but I decrease the habit. Usually I seek a distraction, another activities.

 
Old 11-19-2012, 06:15 AM   #3
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Re: Extremely sexually incompatible

I know from personal experiences that porn is damaging to your personal relationship with ur fiance. His masturbation thing is a MAJOR contribution to the problem I do believe. If i masturbated every three days i would not often have much sex with my wife either. If he refrained from this then i believe his arousal would be directed toward you unless his problem is with you in what case may cause him to stray. This is really a serious issue. Its not that he is abstinence from sex because he masturbates. If he masturbates he has arousal. So his tool is in proper working condition obviously. I believe his excuses for masturbating are just that, excuses. Meaning I have NEVER masturbated to get rid of morning erections, and I have masturbated A LOT. Im married for like 15 yrs now and i have awoke aroused, but that is different from morning erections. A morning erection is not male arousal. I still masturbate from time to time and when I do it is generally a few days b 4 sexual arousal starts creeping up on me, but i only want so much self time b 4 i am ready to have sex with my wife. Meaning I usually have sex with my wife at least once a week whether I masturbate or not. That tells me his issue is a personal issue whether it is directed toward u or not. If its been ongoing so long I would have been suspicious of him cheating and would not totally throw that option out, but it may not be the issue at all. If he truly loves you then get him to fix this because this is a major piece of the foundation in which you will build your marriage on, sex i mean. I do not mean to sound so shallow but how long can you last like this? Years? decades? I dont see it. Sex is a major intimate connection in a healthy relationship. Please dont run away when i say this but even the bible says (paraphrasing)that if a man and woman lie together they are as one flesh, which says to me it is very important. That being said I have a whole spiritual belief in this area which i believe is revelant, but i will not dump it on you without your permission. If you want more of that opinion, please let me know and i will elaborate more. I seriously would get this issue resolved b 4 i moved a lot further in the relationship. If he truly loves you then he will get this problem taken care of, or i would for my wife. Again if he is masturbating every three days there is a build up of semen and arousal will follow, so the issues are a lil deeper than he is letting on. Get him to prove his love to you to see if he has a problem and if so diagnose it and treat it. For you if nothing else. I am impressed by you. You needing such attention and not getting it, but still hangin in there. Amazed... kudos to you. Lots of fb likes to you as well. lol. I would like to talk a bit more about this issue with you so if you would keep me informed i would appreciate it. This may sound dumb, but have you tried forcing yourself on him? like seriously seducing/attacking him? Maybe like waking him with some oral or maybe talk him into sleeping naked wit you and just climb on that morning erection. I dont mean to sound freaky but maybe that will help pull down that wall. Seriously i think every man likes oral and the sudden attacks my help. Seriously try freaky. If you need some more input on this let me know because i have more suggestions, but again i will not just throw them on you. I do know freaky and i like it and i will share some ideas if you want. Thank you for being awesome and trying to fix this issue with your man. I truly admire you for it.

 
Old 11-19-2012, 06:18 PM   #4
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Re: Extremely sexually incompatible

Right now, the best solution for you both is with love letter.

Love letter helps many couples that had problem in communication, in longevity.

Last edited by aowshea; 11-19-2012 at 10:20 PM.

 
Old 11-21-2012, 06:37 AM   #5
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Re: Extremely sexually incompatible

I definitely feel like there's a psychological issue involved. I say this for the sake of explaining the situation, but I'm a pretty attractive woman. It's tough when I get male attention away from home on a regular basis and go home to none. Also, I've tried some freaky stuff! If I go straight for the oral sex, once in a while he will be receptive, but most of the time he gently says no. I have lingerie of all types, my favorite being corsets and stuff. I have been rejected in these so many times that they get labeled the "rejection lingerie" and I never wear them again. I've offered to watch porn with him, and I have no jealousy toward women in porn. I'm very confident in myself, but being rejected so often does cause a good amount of aversion toward being the only initiator.

Last night, he was hospitalized for a really bad anxiety attack that he perceived as a heart attack. He had me meet him there at the ER. I am always emotionally available to him and we communicate a lot, but I think maybe the psychological issues are too deep-rooted for him that he doesn't have enough awareness about them to make progress.

I meditate and have a spiritual practice that keeps me often in the present moment and aware of my thoughts and feelings. He is a workaholic who is constantly obsessed with the next thing. I don't think he has enough ability to sit still within himself to fully connect with me, so he is not receptive to the vulnerability needed for sexual experience.

As for my part - I am trying to masturbate less often to see if I can lower my need for daily sexual experiences. We have not had sex in 4 weeks - pretty standard - and I'm on day 3 of not masturbating. Maybe if my orgasms are spaced more apart, the release of them will be more likely to feel fulfilling.

Last edited by ashonthego; 11-21-2012 at 06:40 AM.

 
Old 11-26-2012, 06:34 AM   #6
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Re: Extremely sexually incompatible

I would say you are right about this bein a psychological problem. I am trying to wrap my head around your circumstance and I cannot. I can only imagine the level of frustration you carry right now. I would not say my relationship with my wife is based on sex alone, but it is a major contribution to our relationship. That is my struggle with this. You obviously have a strong sexual drive and no one to share it with and I wonder if you two are gonna be able to get through this and have a healthy relationship in the future. Maybe I am shallow, but it seems important to have a sex drive between you and your fiance. Does he ever offer to help you with your masturbation or please you without intercourse, or does he abstain from most all sexual contact with you? What is going to keep you from going astray when another man wants to sweep you off your feet? Can you abstain until this issue is resolved with your fiance? Can you tolerate such little male attention? There has been times in my relationship when i had to or chose to masturbate several times between sexual relations with my wife and masturbation does not seem to be enough. It is nice for a fix, but sometimes I need way more than self pleasure. Maybe he is opposite of that? Maybe he is infatuated with masturbation..... you said he masturbates regularly yes? maybe he likes it a lil much. I have heard of it before. In my experience masturbation will get me by about 3 days before arousal creeps in on me again. Sometimes a lil less or a lil more. I wish he would restrain himself from masturbating for a bit and then see him direct his attention on you. I still think him getting his by masturbation robs you of your opportunity. As far as you---- im glad you are not prude and can take matters in to your own hands....lol...sorry that was bad. but on a more serious note you have carried your relationship a long ways through you masturbating. His masturbation seems to be hurting your relationship and yours seems to be carrying it...

 
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