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Old 04-19-2013, 08:56 AM   #1
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Ilovekittens HB User
Does my partner think about other women while we have sex?

Hi everyone.. Just a quick question, well probably not so quick knowing me!
I have a partner who is a lovely guy in so many ways and who tells me he loves me often.. the thing is I feel really insecure about my looks and weight around him, and I often worry that he doesn't fancy me enough/find me attractive enough. I have started to think this during sex aswel.

I have a history of being sexually abused as a teenager and some mentally abusive relationships in the past. I have a very gentle nature and men have often tried to control and manipulate me.

I am very critical of my own appearance and think I have been influenced by the media and magazines etc with their images of women with 'perfect' faces and bodies.

Me and my partner have only been together about 4 months and I was feeling ok about myself when we first got together, but it only takes a tiny comment from him to really knock my confidence (I crave compliments and approval) Over the period we have been dating he has made a few negative comments about my appearance and quite a few positive comments about how other women look, either in real life or on the TV. He seems to have 'high' standards of how a woman should look and I think he fantasises about these model-like women who he seems to admire so much.

Obviously a normal looking girl like me can never live up to these people with all their money, stylists and plastic surgery etc.

I've read some things about men online, lol, and things they do and think... and apparantly some masturbate while thinking about other women and I'm even ok with that.. I just don't want him to be thinking about other women while he's actually having sex with me, which I strongly suspect he does, due to a couple of comments he's made. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough or attractive enough. If he loves me like he says he does why would he want to imagine another woman while he's with me? Does that mean I satisfy him in the personality department but not in looks/body shape?

Are guys that visual that they have to imagine a perfect model-like body in order to get off?? or can they actually be happy with an average woman's body? From what I've read it seems to depend on the guy.. and I suspect I have a guy who needs to get off on the images of perfect women.

It really upsets me to think this.. as it takes me alot to trust a guy in a sexual relationship due to my past and I feel it is disrespectful to think of another woman while you're actually having sex with your girlfriend.

I never think about or even look at other men, honestly.. thats just me. Not even in magazines or on the TV. I only want my partner.

To add to this I am used to being found attractive by men as when I was younger I did some amateur modelling work, got alot of compliments in general, and my ex when he first met me thought I was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen (ego trip! haha.. I didn't agree with him though btw!) My ex has since said that he now thinks I am overweight and not as attractive as I used to be.. which made me feel pretty bad. I am only 30 now.. and my ex is referring to when I was 20. Can only 20 year olds be attractive these days?!

I don't have the confidence in my looks that I used to and I just want my man to be able to see past the 'stereotypical' type of model/stripper looks and see the beauty in a natural woman, hopefully me. I worry that he doesn't see it much though, as he often closes his eyes during sex and has made comments to make me think he thinks of other women whilst having sex with me.

It would be good to hear from men and women to get their opinions on this. I am very depressed because of this and other things too, and am close to leaving my partner due to my lack of confidence in myself, not because I don't love him, because I do. I am considering plastic surgery and facial treatments but it would take me ages to save the money :-/ I have tried for years to accept myself for what and who I am and nothing works. I have tried therapy, medication, everything.. and the aging process only makes my body image issues worse.

I don't know how much of this issue is my own paranoia and how much of it is the fact that he really doesn't fancy me that much. When he has made negative comments about my body he has just said he is being 'honest' with me, or joking.. but it didn't sound like a joke.

I feel the only thing that would make me happy is facial treatments and body plastic surgery to improve my looks.. then maybe he would want to think of me more. Maybe I am a control freak but I can't accept being second best or just loved for my personality and nothing more. I am not old and wrinkly yet! I need to feel attractive to my partner and I mostly don't.

Is it just me? Am I just paranoid? Or do all men just want super young women with stripper bodies? Are there any men out there who just think about you while having sex and who don't crave other women?? Thanks for reading!! xx

 
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Old 05-10-2013, 05:56 PM   #2
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Wheeze HB User
Re: Does my partner think about other women while we have sex?

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. While I can't say if your partner thinks about other women during sex, because I don't know him, I'm betting that he does not.

Also - not all men are expecting those kinds of bodies! I have experienced the same sort of self-confidence issues; I think everyone does, at some point or another! My boyfriend tells me regularly that he finds me sexy, attractive and beautiful. I am on the smaller side, but I do NOT have a model, or stripper body by any means.

I think you should dump him. YOU deserve better. You do NOT deserve to be told that you are not beautiful, especially from the person who SHOULD be telling you that you are beautiful, every day.

 
Old 05-10-2013, 11:27 PM   #3
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Tgram HB User
Re: Does my partner think about other women while we have sex?

If you crave compliments and approval and he makes negative comments about you...it sounds like you might need a new guy.

But it also sounds like you need to work onYOU. Specifically, your self esteem. You've got to love and accept yourself before you can have a sucessful relationship with someone. If you crave compliments and approval, your self esteem needs some work. I'm NOT saying you need to lose weight or have plastic surgery...I'm saying you need to get comfortable in your own skin.

Whether he's thinking of super models or superbowl shouldn't be something you're fretting about. Everybody is going to think about whatever they're going to think about during sex. You can't change that. But sometimes a little self esteem is all it takes to make a man...'stand up' and take notice.

 
Old 05-12-2013, 12:55 AM   #4
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Ilovekittens HB User
Re: Does my partner think about other women while we have sex?

Thanks for the replies guys I was beginning to think no-one was going to comment as it had been a while!

I have done some thinking since I posted my question and I'm a bit confused at the mo. I think some of the reason my partner tries to make me feel bad is because he feels bad about himself/ his own weight etc. He even admitted that to me once when he was drunk. However, the two times I have taken him out lately with my family he has ranted on about how attractive my cousin is and flirted with her in front of my face (she is only 19) I love her, it's not her fault, but it makes me angry with him. What's the point of making me feel bad in public?! That really puts me off him, as I want him to make me feel special in all situations.

Wheeze, I know what you are saying. He tells me I'm attractive occasionally, but doesn't seem convinced.. he gets much more enthusiastic when talking about other women. Also, because he has made negative comments in the past, I now don't believe the positive ones. Thing is.. what if I am just not beautiful?! and he is just being very honest?! :-/

Tgram, I have been trying to think more positively about myself but am finding it VERY difficult as I have a lot of confidence issues. I am still considering having treatments done to improve my looks. When feeling a bit more confident, I try to disregard what negative things my partner seems to think.. and then I just feel distanced form him and want to split with him. I'm very confused at the mo.

Am not sure whether I will stay with him or not. I want things to improve, but not sure if they will. Like I said.. maybe he just doesn't find me that attractive and is honest about it? But this considered, if that is true.. maybe I should find a man who does find me attractive!

Oh yeah btw.... one thing he does which is really annoying/makes me feel bad is that when we go out somewhere he will quite often ogle and perve at other women in front of me and sometimes tell me about it. Apparantly 'all men look' but to do this when you are out with your girlfriend in front of her, just seems childish and disrespectful. It's not like I don't make an effort to look nice.. I always do my hair and make-up and wear nice clothes (he says that my make up 'does nothing for me' by the way) I can't win.

It's gotten to the point that I won't go out anywhere with him, we just stay in at home, because I don't want him to perve on women and make me feel bad.

Maybe this guy just has too many faults for me, that aren't going to change?!!....

On the other hand though.. he texts me every day, sees me nearly every day, pays for alot of things for me, wants to get married and have kids, introduces me to all his friends and family... so it's a weird one. Mixed messages! That's why I'm so confused..

x

 
Old 05-12-2013, 02:33 AM   #5
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Rooby HB User
Re: Does my partner think about other women while we have sex?

First of all, I'm sorry that you're going through this at the moment

In my opinion, I think that the longer you stay with a guy who makes you feel uncomfortable about your appearance and puts you down, it's going to be even harder to work on the core of your self esteem issues.

He may text you and see you everyday, but if he brings you down emotionally and makes you question whether or not you are attractive enough for him, that's definitely not a part of a healthy relationship.

Your significant other is supposed to be loving, help to build you up emotionally and make you feel like you are beautiful.
If he is not doing that for you, then it does sound like you need to find yourself a better guy who will appreciate who you are and think you are a beautiful person on the inside aswell as the outside.

I wish you luck

Last edited by Rooby; 05-12-2013 at 02:35 AM.

 
Old 05-12-2013, 08:23 AM   #6
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Tgram HB User
Re: Does my partner think about other women while we have sex?

Certainly he feels bad about himself. That's the reason why anyone tears down someone else. They don't want anyone to feel better about themselves then they do. And those kind of people are attracted to people with low self esteem. If you already have low self esteem, it doesn't take much 'work' on his part to lower it even further. That way he keeps you right where he wants you...uncertain and thinking that he's somehow a good catch.

People like that don't often change. Sometimes they aren't even fully aware they do it. Their own self esteem issues are so deeply rooted that they are desperately trying to make themselves feel better, they can't see what they are doing to others. I have had a lot of experience with this and have had to let go of relationships that were bringing me down. (Not just with men, but female friends and family members). You cannot thrive with someone putting you down.

To 'perve on' other women in front of you is disrespectful and rude...but you put up with it. YOU TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT YOU. If you put up with his put downs and bad behavior, you're teaching him it's ok to treat you that way.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. ~ Elenor Roosevelt

You said you want to improve your looks. Well then, do it for YOU and don't waste it on someone who isn't going to appreciate your efforts. But I think you'll find if you bag this guy, you'll start feeling better about yourself...you'll feel better on the inside and it will show on the outside. Attitude is a big part of beauty.

You said you can't win...well, you can't win with a looser. Kick him to the curb!

 
Old 06-11-2013, 06:29 PM   #7
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ludobear HB User
Re: Does my partner think about other women while we have sex?

Ok, I am not going to sugar coat this because you need some tough honesty:

No one will respect you until you respect yourself. You are good enough the way you are. You need to tell yourself that every single day. All day long. Even if you don't believe it. Keep saying it. One day you will look in the mirror and you will believe it to be true. And in that day you will control your own life.

I struggled a long time with insecurity. It sucks. I blamed the media, magazines, celebrities, etc. But you know who was really at fault? Me. I still don't look like the models but I know I am beautiful inside and out and I deserve to be loved and thought of as sexy. And if someone doesn't? Fine. Because others do.

You need to ditch this punk. He makes you feel insecure? WRONG. Any man worth your time will make you feel like the most beautiful woman alive. He attacks you because he feels bad about himself? WRONG. That is a bully and we don't put up with bullies past age 12.

Never expect someone to change in a relationship. That is a recipe for failure.

Remember you are fine the way you are and you deserve better than his crap.

 
Old 06-15-2013, 10:58 AM   #8
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Manly HB User
Re: Does my partner think about other women while we have sex?

Hi - To be honest, every man in one time or another thought of a different woman during sex. IMHO, most men do. For me, I made a personal choice to get over it, but it was hard. I still do it sometimes, not because I don't love my woman, but when I feel I'm taking too long to reach an orgasm and I don't want to look like a wimp or when I have negative feelings towards her. I do feel bad about it.

Unless he is giving you ultimatums or becoming an abusive man, I don't see a reason to leave him. You may only end up with a better liar, better smooth-talker. This guys wants a family with you, he's awesome for that. Tell them about you feeling low about yourself.

Speaking if your beauty, there is no such thing as a golden standard. What makes a girl look hot, is her self confidence. The same red hair may make one look gingerish and to the other add that spicy, exotic look. Some of the best looking women that I've seen, are overweight, don't have the best face features... but man, when they stretch that smile on their face, when they are constantly up to something, gym, jogging, full of life... that makes them look hot!

If you really looked that good in your teens, you must be just as good looking. Maybe with a bit more curves, which every guy wants more within years. Put up that self confidence and you'll knock him off his feet! I really mean it.

Last edited by Manly; 06-19-2013 at 12:11 AM.

 
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