nohema

Hi, I really need some advice. This is a recap of my story:
He broke up with me about a month ago after 4 and a half wonderful years and a lot of planing for our future together. I thought we were going to be together forever, he is the only one that undersdands me and the only one who listens to me.

Whatever I did and whenever I went, I felt like I belonged somewhere, I felt like I've found my place. I felt safe no matter what. Now I feel like I’m all alone, like it's me against the world. I know I can do it; I'm a survivor because my mom taught me how to be one. And I won't disappoint her; she died wanting me to have a good life. But I feel alone right now, and I don't feel safe and complete anymore.

The last two months he was really distant, he didn't want to hug me or kiss me or even stay with me for more than 2 or 3 hours at a time. He started yelling at me and being a little rude. I knew that there was something on his mind and I'm blaming myself right now for not asking him what was going on, but at the time I just thought that if he thought something was seriously wrong he'd tell me. I feel that if something is really bothering me about a relationship I must confront the other person; I think it's only fair because not only my feelings are on the line but theirs too.The fact that he couldn't/wouldn't talk to me about his feelings, demands and needs only showed me that he didn't trust me as I trust him.

On monday I was ok, I'd accepted that it was over. I wanted to let go of all my anger so I wrote a letter and tore it apart. It worked. I really was at peace. But later that night I found out that he's been cheating on me for a year, maybe more. More than 10 times, with both men and women.

I knew he is bisexual from the beginning, so that isn't the problem. He cheated on me for over a year. When he broke up with me I asked him if he ever cheated on me, and he swore by his dead grandmother that he was always faithful.

One year of lies. One year of kisses and hugs. One year of empty sex. I thought that I was going to treasure my memories of this relationship forever. But now how could I? I feel so used. I was just a façade for his family. He used me for sex. How could he do that to me?

I'm terrified right now. I'm having the STD tests on monday. I'm truly scared to death. I don't know how long it will take to know the results. I won't have any contact with him, I started that on monday night. I don't want anything to do with someone who puts my health at risk. I'm truly terrified. Specialy about the HIV test. I don't care if he's sick but I'm terrified for myself right now. I'm praying.

Help!