I've been having attacks for about 6 years. I hate the fact that I freak out over everyday things that just roll off other peoples backs. I hate that I will feel fine, then all of a sudden I'm having an attack. It affects my personal life, and my work life. I had to quit quite a few jobs because of my attacks. I've recently started going to a Mental Health Clinic, and almost every time I go they up my dosage. I just wish they would go away, so I can be normal again.
I have read your post several times. Please don't feel ashamed. This isn't your fault, no more than someone who has diabetes and has to take insulin. The hard part is that we have something that you cannot see, touch or feel. I know that it is not easy, but it can and usually does get better. If you get the right combination of medication that will work for you, life will seem, alot better. Your definately not alone, I have had this disorder for 24 yrs-diagnosed.