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Old 01-28-2010, 04:00 PM   #1
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singit HB User
Would love to sing.

Hi, I'm a 39 yr. old female and I have been dealing with anxiety all of my life it seems. I can remember being extremely shy when I was a kid. I am the youngest of 12 children and I was just the shy one. It was'nt until I was in my 20's that I knew that I needed to get help. I worry from sun up until sun down, every single day of my life and it gets depressing. I sing. I knew I wanted to be a singer since I was 4 or 5. My mom says I started singing when I was 2. My mom put me into music school but I could'nt even sing in front of the teacher. I don't work or drive because the anxiety takes over. I have never had a driver's license. I have a great personality when I can control the anxiety. For years I did'nt even realize that I walked with my head down until someone else told me. I never stop trying to get over this thing. Nights are the scariest for me because that is when I have panic attacks. I imagine all sort of things, like someone breaking into the house or one of us dying. Death is my biggest fear and I think that everyday could be the day that I or a family member is going to die. Every ache and pain means something to me. It means that I have some deadly disease. I know that things can be worse. There are millions of people that would trade thier life for mine but I can't help but feel like this is not living and that when I die it will be a relief and that I can rest. I have been on so many meds that I am now taking a break. I just take a xanax when I really can't cope but of course it is not enough. I know that I need to get on some kind of regimen and start getting help again. I have 3 children. My oldest son (18) has ADHD, my middle (14) has ADHD and GAD, and my daughter (3) has Sensory Intergration disorder or dsyfunction. These ailments seem to run in my family because half of us ( brothers & sisters) and our children have mental or behavioral disorders. I don't know If I would have had children If I had known about this. They are here though and I love them. All I can do is continue to get help for us. Only a few of us in my family get meds or counseling. I think some of them don't want to accept that they need help but I can't do that to my kids or myself. I am responsible for them. I wish that my mom had gotten help for me but for some reason that did not happen. All I can do now is go forward from here. My kids depend on it. I will be 40 soon and I like to think that one day I will sing. Thanks for listening.

Last edited by singit; 01-29-2010 at 06:14 AM.

 
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