I so wish I had discovered this site when I was going through my bad spell. It's so comforting to read other people's stories about how they managed overcome this terrible experience. I just thought throughout the whole process I was the only person going through this. Seriously, if you are going through social anxiety, there are people out there for you. You aren't alone. I wish I realised this.
When I was younger, about 5-6 years old I was sexually abused by my Dad. Two more events occoured around the ages of 13-14 years and from that was when my social anxiety developed. It developed when my Uncle started picking on me from blushing. One day, we went back to my Nan's house and my Mum was telling my Uncle about how this drunk man started talking to me in town. I obviously started blushing and my Uncle happened to comment on it. As he started commented on it, I started to blush more so he commented more. I think people who haven't gone through the suffer and pain from this embarrasement won't truely understand how painful and destroying it can be. When I think back to this, I often wonder how I managed to just sit there taking the critisism from my Uncle. He knew it upsetted me and I let him. I always question myself to why I shouldn't have just walked out of the room, then he'd probably understand the grief he was causing.
After that, I went out of my way to avoid seeing my Uncle. Several events after that occoured, and my social anxiety was gradually developing worse. It took over my school life- my attendance was appalling. French and English were the worst as the teachers always used to pick on me.
At home, I saw no escape as my Dad was home at the weekends and I didn't want to be at home, so I had to go outside. As I was scared of going outside at that time, this made it even worse as I saw there was no escape.
Soon after that, I started thinking suicidal thoughts. I just kept thinking there was no escape from this. It was impossible to try and avoid my Uncle and Dad all the time. I started smoking - thinking it was a way to ease the pain. I started doing drugs to try and numb the reality. I went to my doctor and she gave me beta blockers which were unhelpful. I went back, she increased the dosage, still didn't work so I decided to overdose. I took the whole packet in one go but it caused no effect on me, so I now believe the tablets she gave me were placebos.
As a failure for the first overdose, my confidence and will in life disappeared completely. Any strength or will I had left to fight for this life had gone. I literally saw no purpose in life, and I felt like things would never change. I never got diagnosed with depression, but the sucidal thoughts remained with me for a year and a half. Shortly after the third event from my Dad, I overdosed on 20 paracetamol tablets. I'm not going to go into too much detail, but thankfully the effect caused was minimal. My Mum finally began to understand my problem was much more severe than what she first thought. After that, she took me to a councillor and things started to gradually improve. I have to tell you there is no direct or certain cure for social anxiety. It will not go away by itself. I'm not saying councilling is the answer for everyone either, everyone is different. All I'm trying to express is that it won't last forever. You won't be living with this for the whole of your life. It will go. Just make sure you surround your life with beautiful things that make you happy. I know saying it is easier than doing it- believe me I know. And maybe I was lucky because I'm more optomistic than some. Tell someone. You're a strong person and you will get through it. I promise you.