| | It's all so new...
I don't remember ever being extremely anxious. I can say it most likely started when my grandfather got sick. I was roughly around about 16 or 17 at the time, so that's about 10 years ago. I knew he was sick but I'm wasn't completely concerned because I didn't know much about his illness and just thought it was normal human stuff and he'd be better soon. Turns out he went into kidney failure and had a aneurysm in his stomach.
After his kidney surgery things went back to normal and I thought everything was great. I was about 2 or 3 years later that he got what we called a boil on his face. At first he thought it was an ingrown, he had just shaved off his beard after having it for years, but it got bigger. And then it popped. My 56 year old grandfather had a massive hole in his face. It took 8 months, 3 doctors, and 1 specialist to figure it out. Cancer.
I think this is where it started for me. I remember my first freak out was after an episode of Miami Ink. A girl had a lump in her neck. It was cancer. I remembered that I had noticed a lump in my neck and immediately broke down in hysteria and ran to my doctor the next day. It was a swollen lymph node from when I was sick months back.
Since then I'm convinced I'm sick and I google A LOT. My grandfather died 2 years ago from the cancer....it was 2 months before my wedding.
In January 2011 I started having sleep issues. I would feel like my heart stopped and I would wake up in a startle. I was having night terrors. I was having heart palpitations but it only happened once in awhile and i chalked it up to being super tired/not having enough sleep.
By April 2011 it started getting worse and I felt like I was having a heart attack and I felt like I was going to die. I was told it was stress/panic/anxiety order and was told to "breath and relax".
In June I had blood work done because the "just breath and relax" wasn't working and the sleep issues was still happening. I was also hooked up to a holter monitor. I was fine. I'm healthy. I'm not having any heart attacks, I don't have cancer...I'm fine. Everything went back to normal for a month. Then it started again.
2 weeks ago my heart rate spiked to 130......all I was doing was driving home from work. I WAS a smoker at the time. We ended up going to the ER because I was having chest pain, my hands and arms were numb and tingly. Had an ECG, heart is fine wasn't having a heart attack and never have. Doc says he wants to test for blood clots because I was a smoker and I'm on the pill. Had more blood work, had a chest XRay. No blood clots, no heart issues, I'm fine.
Since then I've been googling about blood clots and DVTS and pulmonary embolisms because I've had leg pains for a few months now (that I never thought to mention to the doc cause it wasn't happening at the time but is now happening daily) and now I'm sitting here just beside myself with fear that I'm just going to keel over and be dead. It's worse when I'm alone because it makes me even more afraid that there won't be anyone with me if something happens and I'll have no chance.
Sorry this was long but MAN I think I need help lol