My Anxiety Story, Sorry it is Long
My anxiety started as a little girl I would say around the time when I started kindergarten at age 5. There is just something about the smell, when you first walk inside the school building, it just made me feel so nervous inside, and afraid. Every year I started school I would be afraid to meet new people, and run out of the building only to be beaten later by my parents.
Once I have gotten used to my classmates I was fine but I would remain quiet and barely speak unless spoken to. However, every time the teacher was absent, I just hated it because my classmates and I would be broken up and sent to someone else’s classroom where I did not know anyone, which only made me feel anxious and I wanted to go home.
As I approached junior high and high school, I was able to attend class even when the teacher was absent but I would continue to remain quiet, and barely spoke unless I was spoken to. In addition, even in high school, I never knew I suffered from anxiety, in fact I did know what anxiety was until I saw a doctor, and was clinically diagnosed at age 19. I always knew something was wrong with me but I never had a name to describe the way I was feeling.
My whole life has been a struggle; I have been on and off medication for about 10 years. I decided I did not want to continue to take medication because it seems like my body becomes immune to its effects and it stops working. Back in 2002, I was successful, I landed my first job, I was trying to get into college, but something happened. I was feeling so great that I decided I did not need my medication anymore. I spoke to my doctor, and he weaned me off my medication, but months later, I had a relapse, and never attended college, although I continued to work.
During this time, I started medication on and off and nothing seemed to give me the effects that I felt before when I was doing great. I even tried the same medication, and I fail to feel any difference as I did before. Now I have not been working since 2006, and I started online college this year.
I recently moved to another state almost a year ago. I am finding it hard to adjust to my new surroundings. I thought it would be easier for me to find a job in my new hometown because it would be a fresh start and no one knows me, it would be a place to start all over but I was wrong, I still feel afraid to find a job.
Now I feel alone, even though I am here with my fiancé. He works a lot, and he say it is partly because I am not working so that is why he does all the hours he does. Furthermore, he says I do not try hard enough, and I feel like he does not fully understand what I go through inside, he thinks I should be able to snap out of it and it is not that simple. In addition, even when he tries to help me out, if I get afraid and draw back he gets mad at me instead of encouraging me, which makes me feel worst. Sometimes I feel like I do not have the proper support that I should have. Even when he is with me and I am afraid, it is as if it bothers him that I am afraid, because he thinks that I should not be feeling afraid at all because he is there with me.
Life seems so hard; even the slightest set back stresses me out. I constantly get stressed out from college, and I feel like if I was working I would not be able to handle working and school at the same time. Sometimes I feel like I was not built for life, I look around me and it seems like everyone else withstand so much in life and continue to move on, but I can’t.