My battle with Anxiety (long)
I have always had a level of anxiety through life. I witnessed the drowning of my older brother and on some level always feared something bad happening. As a child I would rationalize that my dad would never let anything bad happen to me and it helped. I never had therapy or treatment for it and eventually I learned to live with it in my own way.
Fast forward to 2008. One of my worst fears came to life. My husband was in a head on collision on his motorcycle. Combined 80mph impact. Having the sheriff tell you to your face that had he not been wearing his helmet he would not be alive today, Freaked me the hell out. After him going through surgeries and being in a hospital bed in our house for 4 months he finally went back to work. This is when I got depressed and panicked. I had to go to the doc and was put on zoloft. Took that for 2 years.
I finally decided that I did not want to be on the medication anymore that I didn't think the I needed it. I weaned off slowly as suggested. Was ok for a few months after being off it 100%. Then it was like my world caved in. I lost it. I could not function. I feared everything. I didn't want to leave the house incase I got in an accident, I didn't want to be around people. Every ache and pain I had was something that was going to kill me. I saw my doctor, they did a work up and told me that I had bad anxiety and some panic attacks. They talked to me about medication, but after being on it for 2 years and the side effects I had I wanted nothing to do with it. I finally ended up going to therapy.
Started therapy and it was going well. Went once a week, great therapist. Then my husband had to go out of town for the week. My body started to tense up. I got an ache in my stomach. It lasted the entire week he was gone and then some. I went to my doctor to find out why, they couldn't find a reason. I was given some prilosec for acid in the stomach and was told that if the pain didn't go away to go back. It didn't and so I went back. I had CT scans, blood tests and a colonoscopy and they found nothing. After all of that you would think that I could relax and let that ache subside. Nope. It took a month after the all clear that it finally went away. So far it has stayed away but the area of ache has moved. Found a new place to take up residence to give me a new set of things to worry about.
I try very hard every day to not let the little what if voice in my head win. It is a VERY difficult struggle, one that somedays I want to give up, take a magic little pill and be done with it. Deep down I know that I don't want to take meds, I didn't like how I felt and who I turned into when taking them.
I do deep breathing, journaling and muscle relaxation. I try very very hard not to google my aches, everything turns out to be something horrific and gives me a new ailment to focus on. Muscle relaxation sometimes is the only thing that gets me to have a full night sleep. White noise and muscle relaxation. I do get out and jog at least 3 times a week, more if I need to clear my head. It helps and often times listening to music and jogging keeps my mind off things and lets me get off the path of negative thinking.
I have days where all I want to do is cry. Cry because my body aches and I cannot relax, cry because I get so frustrated with having to deal with anxiety, cry because of the cycle that it is. Some days i get depressed, I don't want to get out of bed, I try VERY hard to push myself to get up and going with the day. To accomplish something even if small.
Thankfully my husband is well and ok, he remembers nothing of it all and I am glad. I could not imagine the mental toll it would be to have remembered the accident.
I am glad to have found this forum. I have been browsing off and on for the last month and finally decided that I needed a place where I could go and talk to others that are like me. Make me feel less like a crazy person.