Just Need to Tell About My Past
Hi. I just need to get this all out and I thought sharing on a board with people who understand would be a good place to start. This will probably be long, so thank you for reading.
I've always dealt with depression and anxiety, though I've never sought treatment or diagnosis for it. As a younger person, I thought if I sought help it would hinder me in what I wanted to do in the future. Plus there is a strong history of mental illness in my family and I was terrified (still am) that there'd be something seriously wrong with me. I've dealt with it all fairly well, facing many phobias over the years. It seems as time goes by, they get worse instead of better. It started with airplanes. I used to fly all the time. I didn't like it, but I was okay. Then one time I was flying with my then 18 month old son and there was smoke on the plane. This drunk guy in the back started yelling that we were going to die and that was just it. I haven't flown since and it's been 6 1/2 years. I've also moved a lot since I was 20. This used to excite me, in the beginning. The last time was the worse (and hopefully, really the last time). We had finally lived near my family for about 3 years. Money was bad, my husband couldn't find another job, so we decided to move to another state where he could get an awesome job. I was depressed and randomly crying for literally months. I never took a move so hard as that. My husband considered moving us back since I was so unhappy. I finally adjusted though and money really is better where we are now.
I think that set something off in me though. We went to visit the first summer after we moved and I started getting panic attacks when I drove. I had only ever felt anxious driving on highways and mountains before that. After getting really dizzy and scared a few times, I gave up driving completely. I really tried to get over it, but it got worse every time I tried and I had my kids in the car, so I didn't want to get in an accident. I haven't driven in over 2 years. I just tell people I have a medical condition that makes me dizzy and I've been lucky enough to find really great friends who will happily bring me places.
That brings me to this past summer. I volunteered to be a leader at my son's daycamp. I was really excited about it and had already been a leader for most of the past year, so it wasn't really a big deal. When I woke up the first morning I felt terribly sick to my stomach. I felt dizzy and out of it. I really thought I had caught a bug or hadn't gotten enough sleep. They were depending on me, so I went to the daycamp. Within an hour I was feeling much better and got into things. Next morning, same thing happened. I started realizing it was anxiety. It made me feel horrible, but I forced myself to go each day and I felt fine not too long after getting there. Later in the summer I drove up to my family's with one of my sisters to see my other sister graduate high school. The whole 18+ hour ride I felt sick, disorientated, dizzy, and just plain out of it, like I was in a fog. I seriously thought I was dieing or something. I had never felt like this in my life. I get motion sickness, so I thought I'd be fine at my family's. Nope. I felt bad and out of it the whole week we were up there. I figured out after the first day that, once again, anxiety was rearing it's ugly head so I took dramamine on the way back down and it wasn't as bad.
Since then I've had these really bad periods where I feel sick and foggy, usually following a night filled with nightmares. I feel like I have a heart problem or cancer or something. It feels weird admitting this because, besides being vague with my husband, I haven't told anyone. I started getting really bad stomach pain in the summer as well and it turned out I had H Pilori (sp?) and probably an ulcer. I don't have insurance so I have to go to this really sucky place. The random, horrible pain didn't help with my issues either. I went to the ER once during an episode and they told me to go to a specialist and then sent $1k bill... I've started eating healthier in the hopes that would improve my stomach and my mind. My stomach is actually much better and I only get nausiouc, which is much better than the pain. My mind though is another matter. Each time I think I've beaten the bad feelings back, they rear their ugly head. I've noticed it gets worse around my time of the month.
I hate feeling like this. I want to be happy. I want to be healthy. I want to enjoy life. I go out walking or try to hang out with friends when I start feeling bad. Sometimes I am just stuck in the house. My husband works a lot and with the driving issues, it's hard to go anywhere. I'm currently trying to work health insurance or at least seeing a therapist in my budget. I know I need help and I'm starting to realize that I'm not just going to get over this, no matter how badly I want to.
Thanks again for reading this rambling mess of thoughts.
Last edited by Administrator; 01-17-2013 at 12:55 AM.