Might be Depressed
I think I may have a problemÖmaybe Iím depressed. Iím gorging on crap food and in total indulgence-mode with food and have been for several months. I can't seem to deal very well with reality.
Also, the other night after an episode of House, I was crying and emotional because I suddenly realised, unbeknownst to me previously, that I am TERRIFIED of dying. This may sound like a stupid epiphany, but itís true. Before, I always thought I wasnít really scared of dying except for the sadness aspect of not seeing your loved ones anymore and not experiencing life anymore, you know?
But I realised was I am so scared of dying and feeling the same as I do now. Cause I know Iím only 28 (and Iím not scared of dying NOW or dying any time soon, or that something bad will happen to me or anything. Iím not paranoid, etc), but I canít see myself maturing much between now and like, 80 or somethingÖI canít see myself ever being READY to die, or being so tired of life that Iím ok with dyingÖso it scares me.
I have so many regrets in my life already, and things I want to do but either canít be bothered or have been putting off cause theyíre hard and I think Iíve got time to do themÖbut what if I donít?
Iím also terrified of dying alone, which I have to admit will probably happenÖmy partner is 16 years older than me, Iím not gonna have any kids, and I only have a few friends and one really good friend, soÖ*trembling*
I tried to talk to my partner about this last night, and I wasnít distressed or anything, but she didnít like it and dismissed me, saying she doesnít like to think about it. I do understand this, but I want her to know how I feel, dammit! I felt so alone. I went into the bathroom and criedÖI wanted to sit on the floor but I didnít indulge myself cause I knew itíd make me feel worse.
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