stevie_23

I think I may have a problem…maybe I’m depressed. I’m gorging on crap food and in total indulgence-mode with food and have been for several months. I can't seem to deal very well with reality.

Also, the other night after an episode of House, I was crying and emotional because I suddenly realised, unbeknownst to me previously, that I am TERRIFIED of dying. This may sound like a stupid epiphany, but it’s true. Before, I always thought I wasn’t really scared of dying except for the sadness aspect of not seeing your loved ones anymore and not experiencing life anymore, you know?

But I realised was I am so scared of dying and feeling the same as I do now. Cause I know I’m only 28 (and I’m not scared of dying NOW or dying any time soon, or that something bad will happen to me or anything. I’m not paranoid, etc), but I can’t see myself maturing much between now and like, 80 or something…I can’t see myself ever being READY to die, or being so tired of life that I’m ok with dying…so it scares me.

I have so many regrets in my life already, and things I want to do but either can’t be bothered or have been putting off cause they’re hard and I think I’ve got time to do them…but what if I don’t?

I’m also terrified of dying alone, which I have to admit will probably happen…my partner is 16 years older than me, I’m not gonna have any kids, and I only have a few friends and one really good friend, so…*trembling*

I tried to talk to my partner about this last night, and I wasn’t distressed or anything, but she didn’t like it and dismissed me, saying she doesn’t like to think about it. I do understand this, but I want her to know how I feel, dammit! I felt so alone. I went into the bathroom and cried…I wanted to sit on the floor but I didn’t indulge myself cause I knew it’d make me feel worse.

*sigh*