Why I cry late at night.
16, and with more experience than you'd think. I guess you can say, I've had a life filled with material things. When I wanted clothes, I got clothes. When I wanted toys, I got toys. When I wanted to go out, I went. Money wise, I've lived a very lucky life.
But it has not been easy.
It must have started 11 years ago. As long as I can remember I've been made fun of. I was always different. I always had been different from the rest of the kids. I remember my 1st day of kindergarten. I was waiting for the bus to pick me up. It was late. When I got to school I had no idea how to write my name. All the other students had known, and my teacher was shocked. This would begin my future dificulty of being understood.
From the peers I grew with, some befriended and others not. Even my father. I've been made fun of on the way I am.
Consistantly labeled dumb. Consistantly attacked for not being athletic. Feeling worthless and alone.
But lets start from the begining.
Well, when I was young people would make fun of me. I had no friends, and felt sorry for myself. I was lost in space, and it ruined my childhood. I guess I can say I blame my father. While he loved me so much, he didnt know how to show it the right way. He always screamed at me for the way I was. Calling me fat, and laughing at my face. All at the age of 6. Not happy with me, he left a permanent scar on my face that reminds me everyday of where I came from. While he really was not physically abusive, he was emotionally. He had the power to throw you back and forth like a rollercoaster and cause you feel worthless. I wanted his aproval so much, and wanted him to be happy with me. But he never could be.
He told me I had no friends. He would scream at me for waving in certain ways. He would hit me if I didnt get my homework. He was hard on me.
I was not the son he had wanted.
During this time, school was a blur. I really didnt have many friends. However, I did befriend more girls than guys. I believe I did so because my father had ruined my ability to socialize with guys. To this date while I do infact have friends that are guys, I'm closer to the girls.
During Elementary school I had a group of friends I would be with every saturday. These friends were created by my parents, and we would have weekly scheduled playdates. During these playdates the kids would be rude, and hurtful to me. They'd laugh at me, and call me names. They only pushed my heart farther into the dark side of life.
I remember as a child I would draw pictures of hearts. After I drew the hearts I would rip parts of the heart one by one representing the pain that has teared my actual heart apart. I was lonely and needed love.
I started to see a psychologist during 5th grade regulary. I was looked upon as the lonely boy who needs help. My mother had realized that I was in trouble, and so did the school. They tried as much as they could.
Middle School came:
As the fights continued with my father, my self confidence began to low even more. I began to only wear black, and hats. I was embarressed by the way I looked, and felt heavier than most guys. I began to go to the Middle school where I hoped there would be new people and new opportunities for me to move on. Desperate to move on from the past I was unsuccessful. I spent one whole year alone. My whole entire 6th grade. Not one person would speak to me. I was the laughing joke of the entire grade. No one. No one person spoke a single word to me. The next year I left the school and transfered to another local school.
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